The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 77

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BON MOT.

MR. BETHEL, an Irish counselor, as celebrated for his wit as his practice, was once robbed of a suit of clothes in rather an extraordinary manner. Meeting, on the day after, a brother barrister in the Hall of the Four Courts, the latter began to condole with him on his misfortune, mingling some expressions of surprise at the singularity of the thing. "It is extraordinary indeed, my dear friend," replied Bethel, "for without vanity, it is the first _suit_ I ever lost."

CAUSE OF GRIEF.

AN affectionate wife lamenting over her sick husband, he bade her dry her tears, for possibly he might recover. "Alas! my dear," said she, "the thought of it makes me weep."

WHERE YOU OUGHT TO HAVE BEEN.

A CLERGYMAN who is in the habit of preaching in different parts of the country, was not long since at an inn, where he observed a horse jockey trying to take in a simple gentleman, by imposing upon him a broken-winded horse for a sound one. The parson knew the bad character of the jockey, and taking the gentleman aside, told him to be cautious of the person he was dealing with. The gentleman finally declined the purchase, and the jockey, quite nettled, observed--"Parson, I had much rather hear you preach, than see you privately interfere in bargains between man and man, in this way." "Well," replied the parson, "if you had been where you ought to have been, last Sunday, you might have heard me preach." "Where was that?" inquired the jockey. "In the State Prison," returned the clergyman.

COUNSEL AND WITNESS.

A GENTLEMAN who was severely cross-examined by Mr. Dunning, was repeatedly asked if he did not lodge in the verge of the court; at length he answered that he did. "And pray, Sir," said the counsel, "for what reason did you take up your residence in that place?" "To avoid the rascally impertinence of _dunning_," answered the witness.

WORKING A Pa.s.sAGE.

A PADDY applied to work his pa.s.sage on a ca.n.a.l, and was employed to lead the horses which drew the boat--on arriving at the place of destination, he swore, "that he would sooner go on foot, than work his pa.s.sage in America."

TIMOTHY DEXTER.

ACCORDING to his own account, was born in Malden, Ma.s.sachusetts. "I was born," says he, (in his celebrated work, A Pikel for the Knowing Ones,) "1747, Jan. 22; on this day in the morning, a great snow storm in the signs of the seventh house; whilst Mars came forward, Jupiter stood by to hold the candle. I was born to be a great man."

Lord Dexter, after having served an apprentices.h.i.+p to a leather dresser, commenced business in Newburyport, where he married a widow, who owned a house and a small piece of land; part of which, soon after the nuptials, was converted into a shop and tan-yard.

By application to his business, his property increased, and the purchase of a large tract of land near Pen.o.bscot, together with an interest which he bought in the Ohio Company's purchase, afforded him so much profit, as to induce him to buy up Public Securities at forty cents on the pound, which securities soon afterwards became worth twenty s.h.i.+llings on the pound.

His lords.h.i.+p at one time s.h.i.+pped a large quant.i.ty of _warming pans_ to the _West Indies_, where they were sold at a great advance on prime cost, and used for mola.s.ses ladles. At another time, he purchased a large quant.i.ty of _whalebone for s.h.i.+ps' stays_,--the article rose in value upon his hands, and he sold it to great advantage.

Property now was no longer the object of his pursuit: but popularity became the G.o.d of his idolatry. He was charitable to the poor, gave large donations to religious societies, and rewarded those who wrote in his praise.

His lords.h.i.+p about this time acquired his peculiar taste for style and splendor; and to enhance his own importance in the world, set up an elegant equipage, and at great cost, adorned the front of his house with numerous figures of ill.u.s.trious personages.

By his order, a tomb was dug under his summer-house in his garden, during his life, which he mentions in "A Pikel for the Knowing Ones," in the following ludicrous style:

"Here will lie in this box the first lord in Americake, the first Lord Dexter made by the voice of hampsher state my brave fellows Affirmed it they give me the t.i.tel and so Let it gone for as much as it will fetch it wonte give me Any breade but take from me the Contrary fourder I have a grand toume in my garding at one of the gra.s.ses and the tempel of Reason over the toume and my coffen made and all Ready In my hous panted with white Lead inside and outside tuched with greane and bras trimings Eight handels and a gold Lock: I have had one mock founrel it was so solmon and there was so much Criing about 3000 spectators I say my hous is Eaqal to any mansion house in twelve hundred miles and now for sale for seven hundred pounds weight of Dollars by me

TIMOTHY DEXTER."

Lord Dexter believed in transmigration, sometimes; at others he was a deist. He died on the 22d day of Oct. 1806, in the 60th year of his age.

TELEGRAPH.

A HUSBAND telegraphed to his wife: "What have you got for breakfast, and how is the baby?" The answer came back, "Buckwheat cakes and the measles."

CONUNDRUMS.

WHAT tune is that which ladies never call for? Why, the spit-toon.

When is a lady's neck not a neck? When it is a little bare. (_bear!_)

When is music like vegetables? When there are two _beats_ to the measure.

Why was the elephant the last animal going into Noah's ark? Because he waited for his trunk.

Why is a poor horse greater than Napoleon? Because in him there are _many_ bony parts.

NEAT REPLY.

A LADY wished a seat. A portly, handsome gentleman brought one and seated her. "Oh, you're a jewel," said she. "Oh, no," replied he, "I'm a jeweller--I have just set the jewel." Could there have been anything more gallant than that?

The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 77

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