Good Stories Reprinted from the Ladies' Home Journal of Philadelphia Part 16

"What do you want to stand up there for? Come here and sit on my lap."

"Madam," gasped the man, as his face became scarlet. "I beg your pardon, I--I----"

"What do you mean?" shrieked the woman. "You know very well I was speaking to my niece there behind you."

_Such a Pleasant Room_

"It ain't ev'rybody I'd put to sleep in this room," said old Mrs.

Jinks to the fastidious and extremely nervous young minister who was spending a night at her house.

"This here room is full of sacred a.s.sociations to me," she went on, as she bustled around opening shutters and arranging the curtains.

"My first husband died in that bed with his head on these very pillers, and poor Mr. Jinks died settin' right in that corner.

Sometimes when I come into the room in the dark I think I see him settin' there still.

"My own father died layin' right on that lounge under the winder.

Poor Pa! He was a Speeritualist, and he allus said he'd appear in this room after he died, and sometimes I'm foolish enough to look for him. If you should see anything of him tonight you'd better not tell me; for it'd be a sign to me that there was something in Speeritualism, and I'd hate to think that.

"My son by my first man fell dead of heart-disease right where you stand. He was a doctor, and there's two whole skeletons in that closet that belonged to him, and half a dozen skulls in that lower drawer.

"There, I guess things'll do now----

"Well, good-night, and pleasant dreams."

_Giving a Woman Her Rights_

The car was full and the night was wet. The bell rang, the car stopped, and a lady entered. As she looked tired a nice old gentleman in the corner rose and inquired in a kind voice, "Would you like to sit down, ma'am? Excuse me, though," he added; "I think you are Mrs. Sprouter, the advocate of woman's rights."

"I am, sir," replied the lady calmly.

"You think that women should be equal to men?" further queried the old gentleman.

"Certainly," was the firm reply.

"You think that they should have the same rights and privileges?" was the next question.

"Most emphatically," came from the supporter of woman's rights.

"Very well," said the kind old gentleman, sitting down again, "just stand up and enjoy them."

_A Riddle to Willie_

I asked my Pa a simple thing; "Where holes in doughnuts go?"

Pa read his paper, then he said: "Oh, you're too young to know."

I asked my Ma about the wind: "Why can't you see it blow?"

Ma thought a moment, then she said: "Oh, you're too young to know."

Now, why on earth do you suppose They went and licked me so?

Ma asked: "Where is that jam?" I said: "Oh, you're too young to know."

_Under Her Bed_

Mrs. Hicks was telling some ladies about the burglar scare in her house the night before.

"Yes," she said, "I heard a noise and got up, and there from under the bed I saw a man's legs sticking out."

"Mercy," exclaimed a woman--"the burglar's legs?"

"No, my dear, my husband's legs. He had heard the noise, too."

_Didn't Think He Was Polite_

They were on their honeymoon. He had bought a catboat and had taken her out to show her how well he could handle a boat, putting her to tend the sheet. A puff of wind came, and he shouted in no uncertain tones:

"Let go the sheet."

No response.

Then again:

"Let go that sheet, quick."

Still no movement. A few minutes after, when both were clinging to the bottom of the overturned boat, he said:

"Why didn't you let go that sheet when I told you to, dear?"

"I would have," said the bride, "if you had not been so rough about it. You ought to speak more kindly to your wife."

_He Had a Large Reach_

President Eliot, of Harvard, on a visit to the Pacific Coast, met Professor O. B. Johnson, of the University of Was.h.i.+ngton, says "The New York Tribune." In the course of the conversation President Eliot asked the Westerner what chair he held.

"Well," said Professor Johnson, "I am professor of biology, but I also give instruction in meteorology, botany, physiology, chemistry, entomology and a few others."

"I should say that you occupied a whole settee, not a chair," replied Harvard's chief.