Three Hats Part 13

CAPT. K. Name your weapons!

FRED. What you like.

CAPT. K. Place?

FRED. Where you like.

CAPT. K. Time?

FRED. When you like!

CAPT. K. You shall never marry her! I am one of the fighting Katskills of Kilkenny; we never leave off while there's a bit of us left!

SEL. (rus.h.i.+ng to FRED). Kill my preserver? (Business of restraining CAPTAIN KATSKILL and FRED, who are held back on L.

and R. by the others throwing themselves between them.)

ACT DROP QUICK.

ACT III.

SAME SCENE:--DIBBS discovered by secretaire, large sword in hand, and polis.h.i.+ng it with emery cloth, L.

DIBBS. "If I fall," says Mr. Bellamy to me--"If I fall, Dibbs, tell everybody I know that my last thought was of them--whoever they may be--those I _don't_ know tell them that my last thought _would_ have been of them had I lived to have the opportunity of an introduction!" Poor young man! I shall miss him, for he often gave me tips. (Wipes eyes with emery cloth.)

Enter FRED, L. U. E.

FRED. Why do you weep, my boy?

DIBBS. I was a thinking, sir, that this very sword I now hold in my hand might be run through your _internals_ before I had time--Oh! It would break my heart! (Weeping again.)

FRED (much affected). Be brave, my lad, be brave!

DIBBS (boo-hoo-ing very loudly). Before I had time to get a good polish on it!

FRED. Those ancient implements won't do. I shall have to borrow better ones somewhere. Leave off polis.h.i.+ng them.

Enter SELWYN disguised in blue spectacles, slouch hat, etc. R. 2 E.

DIBBS. Oh! the governor's got on gig-lamps!

SEL. (hastily removing spectacles). Yes! My eyes are weak.

(Aside.) Disguise is necessary--or one of the vampires might have recognized me.

FRED. Selwyn, when I'm challenged by this Irish tiger where shall I find seconds?

SEL. I don't mind being one.

FRED. Two will be wanted.

DIBBS. Well, sir, if there's any difficulty at the last minute, and sooner than spoil the sport, you can count on _me_ as No. 2.

FRED. You! You impertinent imp. Get out! Now, to borrow these swords--where's my hat? I shall only be gone about ten minutes--I'll take Selwyn's. (Exit FRED, L. U. E., with SELWYN'S hat, unseen by him.)

SEL. I have been thinking how strange it was that both Fred and the Irish captain declared I wasn't Grace's father! I had indulged myself in that belief for many years at any rate! Can there be anything in it?

Enter BLITHERS, C.

BLITH. Where is he?

DIBBS. It's Tompkins!

SEL. Tompkins, the duellist!

BLITH. Excuse my third visit, but I beg to remind you that I have not got it yet.

SEL. The hat? I forgot all about it, in my many troubles!

(Aloud.) Sir, permit me to apologize; it is my fault alone! (To DIBBS.) Where's his hat?

DIBBS. I'll go and look for it, sir. The old cough-drop don't mean to go without his _kady_! (Exit DIBBS to FRED'S room, L. 2 E.)

BLITH. (aside). Poor young man, I treated him too harshly!

But it was all a misunderstanding! (To SELWYN.) You quite comprehend, don't you? The gentleman _said_ he was already engaged to my girl; that's why I consented. You are _sure_ you understand?

SEL. (aside). I can't say I do--but that's a detail.

BLITH. So I have come back to see him--besides, I want my hat.

SEL. (aside). He seems very fond of his old headgear.

DIBBS (entering). Not there, sir!

BLITH. Dear! Dear! How unfortunate! My girl made me promise not to come back this time until I could bring her some good news.

SEL. (to DIBBS). Look in the other rooms.

DIBBS. Yes, sir.

(Exit DIBBS, R.

SEL. Do you set much value on your loss?

BLITH. My daughter's happiness is at stake!

SEL. (aside). His daughter's happiness concerned in the recovery of his old hat! (Aloud.) Ah! Been in the family a long time? I suppose a kind of heirloom?