Phil Purcel, The Pig-Driver; The Geography Of An Irish Oath; The Lianhan Shee Part 2

* Be quiet now, you wicked pig.

"That's the Negus language," observed,one of the young ladies, who affected to be a wit and a blue-stocking; "it's Irish and English mixed."

"Thrath, an' but that the handsome young lady's so purty," observed Phil, "I'd be sayin' myself that that's a quare remark upon a poor unlarned man; but, Gad bless her, she is so purty what can one say for lookin' an her!"

"The poor man, Adelaide, speaks as well as he can," replied the lady, rather reprovingly: "he is by no means so wild as one would have expected."

"Candidly speaking, much _tamer_ than I expected," rejoined the wit.

Indeed, I meant the poor Irishman no offence."

"Where did you get the pig, friend? and how came you to have it for sale so far from home?"

"Fwhy it isn't whor sale, my lady," replied Phil, evading the former question; "the masther here, Gad bless him an' spare him to you, ma'am!--thrath, an' it's his four quarthers that knew how to pick out a wife, any how, whor beauty an' all hanerable whormations o'

grandheur--so he did; an' well he desarves you, my lady: faix, it's a fine houseful o' thim you'll have, plase Gad--an' fwhy not? whin it's all in the coorse o' Providence, bein' both so handsome:--he gev me a pound note whor her my ladys.h.i.+p, an' his own plisure aftherwards; an'

I'm now waitin' to be ped."

"What kind of a country is Ireland, as I understand you are an Irishman?"

"Thrath, my lady, it's like fwhat maybe you never seen--a fool's purse, ten guineas goin' out whor one that goes in."

"Upon my word that's wit," observed the young blue-stocking.

"What's your opinion of Irishwomen?" the lady continued; "are they handsomer than the English ladies, think you?"

"Murdher, my lady," says Phil, raising his caubeen, and scratching his head in pretended perplexity, with his linger and thumb, "fwhat am I to say to that, ma'am, and all of yez to the fwh.o.r.e? But the sarra one av me will give it agin the darlin's beyant."

"But which do you think the more handsome?"

"Thrath, I do, my lady; the Irish and English women would flog the world, an' sure it would be a burnin' shame to go to sot them agin one another fwhor beauty."

"Whom do you mean by the 'darlin's beyant?'" inquired the blue-stocking, attempting to p.r.o.nounce the words.

"Faix, miss, who but the crathers ower the wather, that kills us entirely, so they do."

"I cannot comprehend him," she added to the lady of the mansion.

"Arrah, maybe I'd make bould to take up the manners from you fwhor a while, my lady, Plase yer haner?" said Phil, addressing the latter.

"I do not properly understand you," she replied, "speak plainer."

"Troth, that's fwhat they do, yer haner; they never go about the bush wit yez--the gintlemen, ma'am, of our country, fwhin they do be coortin'

yez; an' I want to ax, ma'am, if you plase, fwhat you think of thim, that is if ever any of them had the luck to come acra.s.s you, my lady?"

"I have not been acquainted with many Irish gentlemen," she replied, "but I hear they are men of a remarkable character."

"Faix, 'tis you may say that," replied Phil; "sowl, my lady, 'tis well for the masther here, plase yer haner, sir, that none o' them met wit the misthress before you was both marrid, or, wit riverence be it spoken, 'tis the sweet side o' the tongue they'd be layin' upon you, ma'am, an' the rough side to the masther himself, along wit a few sc.r.a.pes of a pen on a slip o' paper, jist to appoint the time and place, in regard of her ladys.h.i.+p's purty complexion--an' who can deny that, any way? Faix, ma'am, they've a way wit them, my counthrymen, that the ladies like well enough to thravel by. Asy, you deludher, an' me in conwersaytion wit the quality."

"I am quite anxious to know how you came by the pig, Paddy," said the wit.

"Arrah, miss, sure 'tisn't pigs you're thinkin' on, an' us discoorsin'

about the gintlemen from Ireland, that you're all so fond ow here; faix, miss, they're the boys that fwoight for yees, an' 'ud rather be bringing an Englishman to the sad fwhor your sakes, nor atin' bread an' b.u.t.ther.

Fwhy, now, miss, if you were beyant wit us, sarra ounce o' gunpqwdher we'd have in no time, for love or money."

"Upon my word I should like to see Ireland!" exclaimed the blue-stocking; "but why would the gunpowder get scarce, pray?"

"Faix, fightin' about you, miss, an' all of yez, sure; for myself sees no differ at all in your hanerable fwhormations of beauty and grandheur, an' all high-flown admirations."

"But tell us where you got the pig, Paddy?" persisted the wit, struck naturally enough with the circ.u.mstance. "How do you come to have an Irish pig so far from home?"

"Fwhy thin, miss, 'twas to a brother o' my own I was bringing it, that was livin' down the counthry here, an' fwhin I came to fwhere he lived, the sarra one o' me knew the place, in regard o' havin' forgotten the name of it entirely, an' there was I wit the poor crathur an my hands, till his haner here bought it from me--Gad bless you, sir!"

"As I live, there's a fine Irish blunder," observed the wit; "I shall put in my commonplace-book--it will be so genuine. I declare I'm quite delighted!"

"Well, Paddy," said the gentleman, "here's your money. There's a pound for you, and that's much more than the miserable animal is worth."

"Troth, sir, you have the crathur at what we call in Ireland a bargain.*

Maybe yer haner 'ud spit upon the money fwhor luck, sir. It's the way we do, sir, beyant."

* Ironically--a take in.

"No, no, Paddy, take it as it is. Good heavens! what barbarous habits these Irish have in all their modes of life, and how far they are removed from anything like civilization!"

"Thank yer haner. Faix, sir, this'll come so handy for the landlord at kome, in regard o' the rint for the bit o' phatie ground, so it will, if I can get home agin widout brakin' it. Arrah, maybe yer haner 'ud give me the price o' my bed, an' a bit to ate, sir, an' keep me from brakin'

in upon this, sir, Gad bless the money! I'm thinkin' o' the poor wife an' childher, sir--strivin', so I am, to do fwhor the darlins."

"Poor soul," said the lady, "he is affectionate in the midst of his wretchedness and ignorance."

"Here--here," replied the Englishman, anxious to get rid of him, "there's a s.h.i.+lling, which I give because you appear to be attached to your family."

"Och, och, fwhat can I say, sir, only that long may you reign ower your family, an' the hanerable ladies to the fwore, sir. Gad fwh.o.r.ever bliss you, sir, but you're the kind, n.o.ble gintleman, an' all belongin' to you, sir!"

Having received the s.h.i.+lling, he was in the act of departing, when, after turning it deliberately in his hand, shrugging his shoulders two or three times, and scratching his head, with a vacant face he approached the lady.

"Musha, ma'am, an maybe ye'd have the tindherness in your heart, seein'

that the gudness is in yer hanerable face, any way, an' it would save the skillyeen that the masther gev'd for payin' my pa.s.sage, so it would, jist to bid the steward, my ladys.h.i.+p, to ardher me a bit to ate in the kitchen below. The hunger, ma'am, is hard upon me, my lady; an' fwhat I'm doin', sure, is in regard o' the wife at home, an' the childher, the crathurs, an' me far fwhrom them, in a sthrange country, Gad help me!"

"What a singular being, George! and how beautifully is the economy of domestic affection exemplified, notwithstanding his half-savage state, in the little plans he devises for the benefit of his wife and children!" exclaimed the good lady, quite unconscious that Phil was a bachelor. "Juliana, my love, desire Timmins to give him his dinner.

Follow this young lady, good man, and she will order you refreshment."

"Gad's blessin' upon your beauty an' gudness, my lady; an' a man might thravel far afore he'd meet the likes o' you for aither o' them. Is it the other handsome young lady I'm to folly, ma'am?"

"Yes," replied the young wit, with an arch smile; "come after me."

"Thrath, miss, an' it's an asy task to do that, any way; wit a heart an'

a half I go, acushla; an' I seen the day, miss, that it's not much of mate an' dhrink would thruble me, if I jist got lave to be lookin' at you, wit nothing but yourself to think an. But the wife an' childher, miss, makes great changes in us entirely."

"Why you are quite gallant, Paddy."

"Trath, I suppose I am now, miss; but you see, my honerable young lady, that's our fwhailin' at home: the counthry's poor, an' we can't help it, whedor or not. We're fwhorced to it, miss, whin we come ower here, by you, an' the likes o' you, mavourneen!"