The Perjur'd Husband Part 9

SCENE II. Pizalto's _Lodgings_.

_Enter_ Pizalto _solus_.

_Piz._ Why, what makes this young Jade stay so long? Adod, this is to pay before hand----Ha----methinks I hear a Laughing and Giggling in my Wife's Apartment; I must know whence their Mirth proceeds. Ho! here's _Lucy_ coming----Harkee you, pray, why did you make me wait so long?

Nay, I'm resolved you shan't escape me now----[_Goes to the Door, and pulls in_ Ludovico _in_ Lucy'_s Cloaths, whose Commode falls off in the Struggle, and discovers his bald Head_.] Oh! Benedicite! What have we here? A Man disguis'd in my Wife's Chamber! and I unarm'd! Oh!

Curst Minute!----Speak, thou wicked Prophet, thou Son of Iniquity, what camest thou here for? Ha----Thou Priest of _Baal_, to offer Sacrifices on the Altar of my Wife? Oh! my Head! my Horns weigh it down to the Ground already----Within there, bring me my Sword and Pistols.

_Lud._ A Pox on all Petticoats----What a Devil shall I say now? Oh!

for a Sword! that would be of more Use to me now than my Tongue.

_Enter Lady_ Pizalto.

_Piz._ Oh! thou wicked fallacious Woman!

L. _Piz._ What ails my dear Chucky? Why dost thou call for Arms, Deary?

_Piz._ To cut down that vile Creeper which over-runs thy Garden of Virtue----

L. _Piz._ [_aside._] Now Impudence a.s.sist me.

Ah! Heavens! What's here? A Man in Disguise? A Thief it must be----Raise the Servants----Oh! Heaven! we might have had all our Throats cut in our Beds----Now for _Lucy_, for I am at a Loss to come off. [_Aside._

_Piz._ No, no, I warrant, you know he is more gentle in Bed.

_Lud._ [_aside._] Oh! the Devil, what does she mean? Death, h.e.l.l and Furies! if I come off now, catch me at this Sport again, and hang me----

_Enter_ Lucy.

L. _Piz._ Oh! are you there. Mistress? How came this Man here in your Cloaths? Ha! Gentlewoman--

_Lucy._ [_aside._] How confidently she asks the Question, poor Lady?

as if she knew nothing of it! Now must I bring her off--For Reasons you must not know, Madam.

_Piz._ Ah! Thou wicked Pair of Bellows to blow the Fire of Iniquity!

Why, thou art the very Cas.e.m.e.nt thro' which thy Mistress sucks the Air of Abomination--Tell me, I say, how he came here, and for what----and be sure it be a substantial Lie, or 'twill not pa.s.s.

_Lucy._ [_aside_] All my Hopes are in her Impudence.

_Lucy_ to _Pizal_. Harkee, Sir, one Word with you----Do you remember our Agreement To-night?

_Piz._ Why, what of that? ha----

_Lucy._ Then imagine what I design'd that Gentleman for; I'm honest, Sir, that's all----

_Piz._ I'm honest, Sir, that's all--[_Mimicking her Tone._] Honest!

with a Pox----What! and so you honestly provided a Companion for my Wife in my Absence--ha----

_Lucy._ No, Sir, I design'd him for your Companion in my Absence----This is the Business he was drest for: Therefore no more Words, but believe my Lady honest, or all shall out.

_Piz._ Oh! the Devil! this shan't pa.s.s, Hussy----Do you think I'll be cuckolded, jilted, bubbled, and let it pa.s.s for a _Christmas_ Gambol.

Adod, give me my Bond again, or----or---- [_Holds up his Cane._

_Lucy._ No----hold there, Sir: Women and Lawyers ne'er refund a fee: But 'tis your best Way to be patient now, I'll not take Blows.

L. _Piz._ Why all this Whispering? Why mayn't I know the Business?

_Piz._ I am mistaken if you have not known too much Business already: But I am right enough serv'd----I had more Ground before than I could manage; I had no Need of my Neighbour's.

_Lucy._ Right, my Lord; Ground that lies fallow will breed Weeds in Time; but you'rs is clear yet.

_Piz._ d.a.m.n your Jests; I shall expect a better Account, do you hear?

I'll find a Servant to see you out of Doors. [_To_ Ludovico.

[_Exeunt_ Pizalto _and Lady_.

_Lud._ Well, this was an admirable Lift at a Pinch--She has brought me off now----And if e'er they catch me at this Music again, I'll give 'em Leave to make an _Italian_ Singer of me----No more Intrigues in Disguise----if it had not been for the Waiting-Woman now, I might have been hang'd for a Thief.

_Lucy._ What all amort, Signior, no Courage left?

_Lud._ Faith, not much----I think I have lost my Manhood with my Breeches----This Transformation may suit with G.o.ds, but not with Mortals of my Humour----Come, prithee, good Mistress _Lucy_, help me to my proper Shape again; for tho' I have a natural Inclination to Petticoats, I hate 'em upon my own back. [_A Flourish of Music Within._

_Lucy._ Hark! I hear Count _Ba.s.sino_'s Music: He gives a Mask To-night; you are already drest for Masquerade, won't you stay and take a Dance?

_Lud._ Egad, I'd rather dance a Jig with thee elsewhere: Faith thou'rt a pretty Girl--and hast a good deal of Wit too----But then, Pox on't, thour't honest, thou sayeth, thou cannot swallow a Pill, except 'tis gilded over with Matrimony.

_Lucy._ And that turns your Stomach, I warrant.

_Lud._ Why, Ay: Faith my Stomach is d.a.m.n'd squeemish in these matters: Yet, egad, if I could find one with half as much Money as thou hast Wit and Beauty, I'd marry, and live honest.

_Lucy._ That is, you'd marry her Money----

_Lud._ One with the other, Child: There's no living upon Love thou knowest----Tho' Faith I could live well enough too.

_Lucy._ Well, suppose I help you to a Lady with a round Sum; you'd keep your Word, and marry her?

_Lud._ I am a Gentleman, I scorn to break my Word.

_Lucy._ Well, Sir, come to the Mask, and I'll engage you a Mistress, if you are not over-curious.

_Lud._ With all my Heart: I'm now resolv'd to leave this Wenching-Trade; For no man's safe upon a Hackney Jade; Th' Allay of Danger makes the Pleasure Pain, A Virtuous Wife will always be same.

_The End of the Fourth Act._

ACT V. SCENE I.