History of English Humour Volume I Part 22

"Non amo te, Zabidi, nec possum dicere quare; Hoc tantum possum dicere non amo te."

The young delinquent replied in words now better known than the original,

"I do not love you, Dr. Fell, But why I cannot tell, But this I know full well, I do not love you, Dr. Fell."

At this period he occasionally indulged in such silly effusions as the "Adverbial Declaration," which he first wrote in Latin, on "Mother Warner's bellows at Oxford."

Brown was finally obliged to leave the University, and went up to London to seek his fortune. The unpromising and reckless spirit in which he set out, is probably reflected in one of his pieces ent.i.tled "A Dialogue between two Oxford scholars."

_A._ Well, I see thou art resolved to leave us. I will not say, "Go, and be hanged," but go and turn country parson.

_B._ That's almost as bad, as the world goes now. But thanks to my stars, I know a better trick than that.

_A._ It may be thou art fallen out with mankind, and intendest to turn quack; or as they call it in the country, doctor.

_B._ No such matter; the _French_ can kill men fast enough, and for women thou knowest my kindness.

_A._ But some of them have lived too long; and there are others so miserable, that even compa.s.sion will incline thee to help them out of the world. I can a.s.sure thee 'tis a profitable calling; for whether thou dost kill or cure, thy fees will be put in thy hand.

_B._ Yes, when they are found. But, prithee, speak no more of it, for I am resolved against it.

_A._ What, then, art thou resolv'd for the law? Methinks thou should'st have too much University learning and wit for that profession--

_B._ And too much honesty. But I'll spare thee the pains of guessing, and tell thee in short what my condition is, and what I design. My portion is all spent--save fifty pounds; and with that I am resolved for London or some other wealthy place, where conventicles abound: and as a man of tender conscience and infinitely dissatisfied with several things in the Church of England, I will endeavour by some means or other to force myself into an acquaintance with some of their leading men, and more especially with some of the most zealous and wonderful women among them; and this point once gained, I doubt not, but before my stock is half spent, I shall receive a call to be pastor or holder-forth in some congregation or other--why dost smile?

_A._ At my friend's design. And I cannot but admire how it came into thy head. Thy ability to manage such a design I know very well; but how thou wilt dispense with the knavery of it, I am yet to learn.

_B._ That's a small matter. As the world goes one must practise a little knavery, or resolve to leave the world. Dost thou know that religious cheats are licensed by a law? and shall I live and die without taking advantage of it? Believe me, friend, Nature has fitted me pretty well to be one of these G.o.dly mountebanks, and a little art, together with a few months' conversation with that sort of people will supply all natural defects. Cannot I put on, when I please, a grave and serious countenance, and with head depending on one shoulder a little more than on the other, sigh for the iniquities of the time and corruptions of the Church? Cannot I wipe mine eyes with the fair pocket-cloth, as if I wept for all your abominations? Cannot I grieve in spirit as if ready to burst with grief and compa.s.sion. And cannot I likewise, when time serves, and company is disposed to be kindly affected with it, smile and fleer as takingly? And what hurt is there in this? Sure I may use my own face as I please.

We need scarcely say that Brown failed in his shrewd scheming; and he was soon fain to take the humble position of a schoolmaster at Kingston upon Thames, for which his acquirements qualified him. But his literary ambition would not allow him to remain long at this drudgery, and we soon find him wandering up again to town, where he was again unfortunate. At this time, men of letters expected little from the sale of books; but often obtained patrons who conferred valuable appointments upon them. Brown's temper and position rendered him ineligible for this sort of promotion. Not being a gentleman by birth, he had no good introductions, nor would he have been very acceptable in the houses of the great. His coa.r.s.eness in writing--excessive even in that day--was probably reflected in his manners and language, and he had so little prudence that he ridiculed not only the clergy, but was always ready to lose a friend rather than a joke. Mere literary talent will not procure success in society.

Brown wrote a variety of essays, generally rather admonitory than humorous. His "Pocket-book of Common Places" resembles a collection of Proverbs or good sayings. It commences,

"To see the number of churches and conventicles open every Sunday, a stranger would fancy London all religion. But to see the number of taverns, ale-houses, &c., he would imagine Bacchus was the only G.o.d that is wors.h.i.+pped there. If no _trades_ were permitted but those which were useful and necessary, Lombard Street, Cheapside, and the Exchange might go a-begging. For more are fed by our _vanities_ and _vices_ than by our virtues, and the necessities of Nature."

But his favourite and characteristic mode of writing was under the form of letters. We have "Letters Serious and Comical," "Diverting Letters to Gentlemen." One letter is to four ladies with whom the author was in love at the same time.

He probably took his idea of "Letters from the Dead to the Living," from Lucian. He never spares Dissenters, and comically makes a Quaker relate his warm reception in the lower world:--

"A parcel of black spiritual Janissaries saluted me as intimately as if I had been resident in these parts during the term of an apprentices.h.i.+p; at last, up comes a swinging, l.u.s.ty, overgrown, austere devil, armed with an ugly weapon like a country dung-fork, looking as sharp about the eyes as a Wood Street officer, and seemed to deport himself after such a manner that discovered he had ascendancy over the rest of the immortal negroes, and as I imagined, so 'twas quickly evident; for as soon as he espied me leering between the diminutive slabbering-bib and the extensive rims of my coney-wood umbrella, he chucks me under the chin with his ugly toad-coloured paw, that stunk as bad of brimstone as a card-match new-lighted, saying, 'How now, Honest Jones, I am glad to see thee on this side the river Styx, prithee, hold up thy head, and don't be ashamed, thou art not the first Quaker by many thousands that has sworn allegiance to my government; besides, thou hast been one of my best benefactors on earth, and now thou shalt see, like a grateful devil, I'll reward thee accordingly.' 'I thank your excellence kindly,'

said I, 'pray, what is it your infernal protectors.h.i.+p will be pleased to confer upon me?' To which his mighty ugliness replied, 'Friend Naylor, I know thou hast been very industrious to make many people fools in the upper world, which has highly conduced to my interest.' Then turning to a pigmy aerial, who attended his commands as a running footman, 'Haste, _Numps_,' says he, 'and fetch me the painted coat,'

which was no sooner brought, but by Lucifer's command I was shoved into it, neck and shoulders, by half a dozen swarthy _valets de chambre_, and in a minute's time found myself tricked up in a rainbow-coloured coat, like a merry-Andrew. 'Now, friend,' says the ill-favoured prince of all the h.e.l.l-born scoundrels, 'for the many fools you have made above, I now ordain you mine below;' so all the reward truly of my great services was to be made Lucifer's jester, or fool in ordinary to the devil; a pretty post, thought I, for a man of my principles, that from a Quaker in the outer world I should be metamorphosed into a jack-adam in the lower one."

The occupation of people in the Nether world is described after Rabelais, thus:--"Cardinal Mazarin keeps a nine-holes; Mary of Medicis foots stockings; and Katharine of Sweden cries 'Two bunches a penny card-matches--two bunches a penny!' Henry the Fourth of France carries a raree-show, and Mahomet sells mussels. Seneca keeps a fencing-school, and Julius Caesar a two-penny ordinary."

At the present day it is rather amusing to read, "A Comical View of London and Westminster"--a weekly prophecy intended to ridicule the increasing use of barometers and other scientific instruments for predicting changes of weather.

"Wednesday October 16th. Cloudy, foggy weather at Garraway's and Jonathan's, and at most coffee-houses at about twelve. Crowds of people gather at the Exchange by one; disperse by three. Afternoon, noisy and b.l.o.o.d.y at her Majesty's bear-garden at _Hockly-in-the-Hole_.

Night--sober with broken chaplains and others that have neither credit nor money. This week's transactions censured by the virtuosos at _Child's_ from morning till night.

"Thursday 17th. Coffee and water-gruel to be had at the Rainbow and Nando's at four. Hot furmity at Bride-bridge at seven. Justice to be had at _Doctor's Commons_, when people can get it. A lecture at Pinner's hall at ten. Excellent pease-pottage and tripe in Baldwin's Gardens at twelve. A constable and two watchmen killed, or near being so in _Westminster_; whether by a lord or lord's footman, planets don't determine.

"Friday. Damsels whipped for their good nature at _Bridewell_ about ten.

Several people put in fear of their lives by their G.o.d-fathers at the _Old Bailey_ at eleven. Great destruction of Herrings at one. Much swearing at three among the horse-coursers at Smithfield; if the oaths were registered as well as the horses, good Lord, what a volume 'twould make! Several tails turned up at St. Paul's School, Merchant Taylors, &c. for their repet.i.tioning. Night very drunk, as the two former.

"Sat.u.r.day 19th. Twenty butchers' wives in Leadenhall and Newgate markets overtaken with sherry and sugar by eight in the morning. Shop-keepers walk out at nine to count the trees in Moorfields, and avoid duns.

People's houses cleansed in the afternoon, but their consciences we don't know when. Evening pretty sober.

"Sunday. Beggars take up their posts in Lincoln's Inn Fields and other places by seven, that they may be able to praise G.o.d in capon and March beer at night. Great jingling of bells all over the city from eight to nine. Parish clerks liquor their throats plentifully at eight, and chaunt out Hopkins most melodiously about ten. s.e.xtons, men of great authority most part of the day, whip dogs out of the church for being obstreperous. Great thumping and dusting of the cus.h.i.+on at Salter's Hall about eleven; one would almost think the man was in earnest he lays so furiously about him. A most refres.h.i.+ng smell of garlic in Spittlefield's and Soho at twelve. Country fellows staring at the two wooden men at St. Dunstan's from one to two, to see how notably they strike the quarters. The great point of Predestination settled in Russell-court about three; and the people go home as wise as they came.

Afternoon sleepy in most churches. Store of handkerchiefs stolen at St.

Paul's. Night, not so sober as might be wished...."

The following are some of the best specimens of Brown's poems--squibs on the fas.h.i.+ons and occurrences of the day--

"The _emblem of the nation_, so grave and precise, On the _emblem of wisdom_ has laid an excise; Pray tell me, grave sparks, and your answer don't smother, Why one representative taxes another?

The _Commons_ on _salt_ a new impost have laid To tax _wisdom_ too, they most humbly are pray'd; For tell me ye patrons of woollen and c.r.a.pe, Why the _type_ should be fined and the substance escape?"

A song in ridicule of a famous musician, who was caught serenading his mistress with his ba.s.s-viol on a very frosty night:--

Look down, fair garreteer bestow One glance upon your swain, Who stands below in frost and snow.

And shaking sings in pain.

Thaw with your eyes the frozen street, Or cool my hot desire, I burn within, altho' my feet Are numbed for want of fire.

_Chorus_.

Thrum, thrum, thrum, thrum, Come, come, come, come, My dearest be not coy, For if you are (zit, zan, zounds) I Must without your favour die.

The sentiment in the following is easily appreciated, but is there not also some slight essence of humour?

ON FLOWERS IN A LADY'S BOSOM.

Behold the promised land, where pleasures flow!

See how the milk-white hills do gently rise, And beat the silken skies!

Behold the valley spread with flowers below!

The happy flowers, how they allure my sense!

The fairer soil gives them the n.o.bler hue Her breath perfumes them too: Rooted i' th' heart they seem to spring from thence, Tell, tell me why, thou fruitful virgin breast, Why should so good a soil lie unpossest?

Brown's humour partook of the coa.r.s.eness of most of the writers of his times, and scandalized the more religious and decent muse of Sir Richard Blackmore, who endeavoured to correct this general failing in his "Satire upon Wit." This called forth many sarcastic replies, and critiques on Blackmore's works; such as Brown's "Epigram occasioned by the news that Sir R----d B----e's paraphrase upon Job was in the Press--"

"When Job contending with the devil I saw It did my wonder, not my pity draw; For I concluded that without some trick, A saint at any time could match old Nick.

Next came a fiercer fiend upon his back, I mean his spouse, stunning him with her clack, But still I could not pity him, as knowing A crab tree cudgel soon would send her going.

But when the quack engaged with Job I spy'd, The Lord have mercy on poor Job I cry'd.

What spouse and Satan did attempt in vain The quack will compa.s.s with his murdering pen, And on a dunghill leave poor Job again, With impious doggrel he'll pollute his theme, And make the saint against his will blaspheme."

Upon the knighting of Sir R----d B----e.

"Be not puffed up with knighthood, friend of mine, A merry prince once knighted a Sir-loin, And if to make comparisons were safe An ox deserves it better then a calf.

Thy pride and state I value not a rush Thou that art now Knight Phyz, wast once King Ush."