Mrs. Caudle's Curtain Lectures Part 12

Caudle--no, nor to sigh at either; but I know what you mean: I'm sure, what would have become of you if you hadn't married as you have done--why, you'd have been a lost creature! I know it; I know your habits, Caudle; and--I don't like to say it, but you'd have been little better than a ragam.u.f.fin. Nice sc.r.a.pes you'd have got into, I know, if you hadn't had me for a wife. The trouble I've had to keep you respectable--and what's my thanks? Ha! I only wish you'd had some women!

"But we won't quarrel, Caudle. No; you don't mean anything, I know.

We'll have this little dinner, eh? Just a few friends? Now don't say you don't care--that isn't the way to speak to a wife; and especially the wife I've been to you, Caudle. Well, you agree to the dinner, eh? Now, don't grunt, Mr. Caudle, but speak out. You'll keep your wedding-day? What?

"IF I LET YOU GO TO SLEEP?

"Ha! that's unmanly, Caudle. Can't you say 'Yes,' without anything else? I say--can't you say 'Yes'? There, bless you! I knew you would.

"And now, Caudle, what shall we have for dinner? No--we won't talk of it to-morrow; we'll talk of it now, and then it will be off my mind. I should like something particular--something out of the way-- just to show that we thought the day something. I should like--Mr.

Caudle, you're not asleep?

"WHAT DO I WANT?

"Why, you know I want to settle about the dinner.

"HAVE WHAT I LIKE?

"No: as it's your fancy to keep the day, it's only right that I should try to please you. We never had one, Caudle; so what do you think of a haunch of venison? What do you say?

"MUTTON WILL DO?

"Ha! that shows what you think of your wife: I dare say if it was with any of your club friends--any of your pot-house companions-- you'd have no objection to venison. I say if--what do you mutter?

"LET IT BE VENISON?

"Very well. And now about the fish? What do you think of a nice turbot? No, Mr. Caudle, brill won't do--it shall be turbot, or there sha'n't be any fish at all. Oh, what a mean man you are, Caudle!

Shall it be turbot?

"IT SHALL?

"Very well. And now about the soup--now, Caudle, don't swear at the soup in that manner; you know there must be soup. Well, once in a way, and just to show our friends how happy we've been, we'll have some real turtle.

"NO, YOU WON'T, YOU'LL HAVE NOTHING BUT MOCK?

"Then, Mr. Caudle, you may sit at the table by yourself. Mock-turtle on a wedding-day! Was there ever such an insult? What do you say?

"LET IT BE REAL, THEN, FOR ONCE?

"Ha, Caudle! As I say, you were a very different person fourteen years ago. And, Caudle, you'll look after the venison? There's a place I know, somewhere in the City, where you get it beautiful!

You'll look to it?

"YOU WILL?

"Very well.

"And now who shall we invite?

"WHO I LIKE?

"Now, you know, Caudle, that's nonsense; because I only like whom you like. I suppose the Prettymans must come? But understand, Caudle, I don't have Miss Prettyman: I'm not going to have my peace of mind destroyed under my own roof! if she comes, I don't appear at the table. What do you say?

"VERY WELL?

"Very well be it, then.

"And now, Caudle, you'll not forget the venison? In the City, my dear? You'll not forget the venison? A haunch, you know; a nice haunch. And you'll not forget the venison--?"

"Three times did I fall off to sleep," says Caudle, "and three times did my wife nudge me with her elbow, exclaiming--'You'll not forget the venison?' At last I got into a sound slumber, and dreamt I was a pot of currant jelly."

LECTURE XX--"BROTHER" CAUDLE HAS BEEN TO A MASONIC CHARITABLE DINNER.

MRS. CAUDLE HAS HIDDEN THE "BROTHER'S" CHEQUE-BOOK

"But all I say is this: I only wish I'd been born a man. What do you say?

"YOU WISH I HAD?

"Mr. Caudle, I'll not lie quiet in my own bed to be insulted. Oh, yes, you DID mean to insult me. I know what you mean. You mean, if I HAD been born a man, you'd never have married me. That's a pretty sentiment, I think; and after the wife I've been to you. And now I suppose you'll be going to public dinners every day! It's no use your telling me you've only been to one before; that's nothing to do with it--nothing at all. Of course you'll be out every night now. I knew what it would come to when you were made a mason: when you were once made a 'brother,' as you call yourself, I knew where the husband and father would be;--I'm sure, Caudle, and though I'm your own wife, I grieve to say it--I'm sure you haven't so much heart that you have any to spare for people out of doors. Indeed, I should like to see the man who has! No, no, Caudle; I'm by no means a selfish woman-- quite the contrary; I love my fellow-creatures as a wife and mother of a family, who has only to look to her own husband and children, ought to love 'em.

"A 'brother,' indeed! What would you say, if I was to go and be made a 'sister'? Why, I know very well the house wouldn't hold you.

"WHERE'S YOUR WATCH?

"How should I know where your watch is? You ought to know. But to be sure, people who go to public dinners never know where anything is when they come home. You've lost it, no doubt; and 'twill serve you quite right if you have. If it should be gone--and nothing more likely--I wonder if any of your 'brothers' will give you another?

Catch 'em doing it.

"YOU MUST FIND YOUR WATCH? AND YOU'LL GET UP FOR IT?

"Nonsense!--don't be foolish--lie still. Your watch is on the mantelpiece. Ha! isn't it a good thing for you, you've somebody to take care of it?

"What do you say?

"I'M A DEAR CREATURE?

"Very dear, indeed, you think me, I dare say. But the fact is, you don't know what you're talking about to-night. I'm a fool to open my lips to you--but I can't help it.

"WHERE'S YOUR WATCH?

"Haven't I told you--on the mantelpiece?

"ALL RIGHT, INDEED!

"Pretty conduct you men call all right. There now, hold your tongue, Mr. Caudle, and go to sleep: I'm sure 'tis the best thing you can do to-night. You'll be able to listen to reason to-morrow morning; now, it's thrown away upon you.

"WHERE'S YOUR CHEQUE-BOOK?