Nye and Riley's Wit and Humor Part 12

Found out where the Bureau wus, and then and there agreed To strike while the iron's hot, and foller up the lead.

Simp was secatary; so he tuck his pen in hand, And ast what they'd tax us for the one on "Holy Land"-- "One of Colonel J. De-Koombs Abel.u.s.t and Best Lecturs," the circ'lar stated, "Give East er West!"

Wanted fifty dollars, and his kyar-fare to and from, And Simp was hence instructed fer to write him not to come.

Then we talked and jawed around another week er so, And writ the Bureau 'bout the town a-bein' sort o' slow And fogey-like, and pore as dirt, and lackin' enterprise, And ignornter'n any other 'cordin' to its size: Till finally the Bureau said they'd send a cheaper man Fer forty dollars, who would give "A Talk about j.a.pan"-- "A regular j.a.panee hiss'f," the pamphlet claimed; and so, n.o.body knowed his languige, and of course we let him go!

Kindo' then let up a spell--but rallied onc't ag'in, And writ to price a feller on what's called the "violin"-- A Swede, er Pole, er somepin--but no matter what he wus, Doc Sifers said he'd heerd him, and he wusn't wuth a kuss!

And then we ast fer _Swingses_ terms; and _Cook_, and Ingersoll-- And blame! ef forty dollars looked like anything at all!

And then _Burdette_, we tried fer him; and Bob he writ to say He wus busy writin' ortographts, and couldn't git away.

At last--along in Aprile--we signed to take this-here Bill Nye of Californy, 'at was posted to appear "The Humorestest Funny Man 'at Ever Jammed a Hall!"

So we made big preparations, and swep' out the church and all!

And night he wus to lectur', and the neighbors all was there, And strangers packed along the aisles 'at come from ever'where, Committee got a telegrapht the preacher read, 'at run-- "Got off at Rossville, Indiany, stead of Michigun."

[Ill.u.s.tration]

The Tar-heel Cow

[Ill.u.s.tration]

ASHEVILLE, N. C., December 9.--There is no place in the United States, so far as I know, where the cow is more versatile or ambidextrous, if I may be allowed the use of a term that is far above my station in life, than here in the mountains of North Carolina, where the obese 'possum and the anonymous distiller have their homes.

Not only is the Tar-heel cow the author of a pale but athletic style of b.u.t.ter, but in her leisure hours she aids in tilling the perpendicular farm on the hillside, or draws the products to market. In this way she contrives to put in her time to the best advantage, and when she dies, it casts a gloom over the community in which she has resided.

The life of a North Carolina cow is indeed fraught with various changes and saturated with a zeal which is praiseworthy in the extreme. From the sunny days when she gambols through the beautiful valleys, inserting her black retrousse and perspiration-dotted nose into the blue gra.s.s from ear to ear, until at life's close, when every part and portion of her overworked system is turned into food, raiment or overcoat b.u.t.tons, the life of a Tar-heel cow is one of intense activity.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

Her girlhood is short, and almost before we have deemed her emanc.i.p.ated from calfhood herself we find her in the capacity of a mother. With the cares of maternity other demands are quickly made upon her. She is obliged to ostracize herself from society, and enter into the prosaic details of producing small, pallid globules of b.u.t.ter, the very pallor of which so thoroughly belies its l.u.s.ty strength.

The b.u.t.ter she turns out rapidly until it begins to be worth something, when she suddenly suspends publication and begins to haul wood to market. In this great work she is a.s.sisted by the pearl-gray or ecru colored jacka.s.s of the tepid South. This animal has been referred to in the newspapers throughout the country, and yet he never ceases to be an object of the greatest interest.

Jacka.s.ses in the South are of two kinds, viz., male and female. Much as has been said of the jacka.s.s pro and con, I do not remember ever to have seen the above statement in print before, and yet it is as trite as it is incontrovertible. In the Rocky mountains we call this animal the burro. There he packs bacon, flour and salt to the miners. The miners eat the bacon and flour, and with the salt they are enabled successfully to salt the mines.

The burro has a low, contralto voice which ought to have some machine oil on it. The voice of this animal is not unpleasant if he would pull some of the pathos out of it and make it more joyous.

Here the jacka.s.s at times becomes a co-worker with the cow in hauling tobacco and other necessaries of life into town, but he goes no further in the matter of a.s.sistance. He compels her to tread the cheese press alone and contributes nothing whatever in the way of a.s.sistance for the b.u.t.ter industry.

The North Carolina cow is frequently seen here driven double or single by means of a small rope line attached to a tall, emaciated gentleman, who is generally clothed with the divine right of suffrage, to which he adds a small pair of ear-bobbs during the holidays.

The cow is attached to each shaft and a small single-tree, or swingletree, by means of a broad strap harness. She also wears a breeching, in which respect she frequently has the advantage of her escort.

I think I have never witnessed a sadder sight than that of a new milch cow, torn away from home and friends and kindred dear, descending a steep, mountain road at a rapid rate and striving in her poor, weak manner to keep out of the way of a small Jackson Democratic wagon loaded with a big hogshead full of tobacco. It seems to me so totally foreign to the nature of the cow to enter into the tobacco traffic, a line of business for which she can have no sympathy and in which she certainly can feel very little interest.

Tobacco of the very finest kind is produced here, and is used mainly for smoking purposes. It is the highest-price tobacco produced in this country. A tobacco broker here yesterday showed me a large quant.i.ty of what he called export tobacco. It looks very much like other tobacco while growing.

He says that foreigners use a great deal of this kind. I am learning all about the tobacco industry while here, and as fast as I get hold of any new facts I will communicate them to the press. The newspapers of this country have done much for me, not only by publis.h.i.+ng many pleasant things about me, but by refraining from publis.h.i.+ng other things about me, and so I am glad to be able, now and then, to repay this kindness by furnis.h.i.+ng information and facts for which I have no use myself, but which may be of incalculable value to the press.

As I write these lines I am informed that the snow is twenty-six inches deep here and four feet deep at High Point in this State. People who did not bring in their pomegranates last evening are bitterly bewailing their thoughtlessness to-day.

A great many people come here from various parts of the world, for the climate. When they have remained here for one winter, however, they decide to leave it where it is.

It is said that the climate here is very much like that of Turin. But I did not intend to go to Turin even before I heard about that.

Please send my paper to the same address, and if some one who knows a good remedy for chilblains will contribute it to these columns, I shall watch for it with great interest.

Yours as here 2 4,

BILL NYE.

P. S.--I should have said, relative to the cow of this State, that if the owners would work their b.u.t.ter more and their cows less they would confer a great boon on the consumer of both.

B. N.

A Character

[Ill.u.s.tration]

I.

Swallowed up in gulfs of tho't-- Eye-gla.s.s fixed--on--who knows what?

We but know he sees us not.

Chance upon him, here and there-- Base-ball park--Industrial Fair-- Broadway--Long Branch--anywhere!

Even at the races,--yet With his eye-gla.s.s tranced and set On some dream-land minaret.

At the beach, the where, perchance-- Tenderest of eyes may glance On the fitness of his pants.

Vain! all admiration--vain!

His mouth, o'er and o'er again Absently absorbs his cane.

Vain, as well, all tribute paid To his morning coat, inlaid With crossbars of every shade.

He is oblivious, tho We played checkers to and fro On his back--he would not know.

II.

So removed--ill.u.s.trious-- Peace! kiss hands, and leave him thus He hath never need of us!

Come away! Enough! Let be!

Purest praise, to such as he, Were as basest obloquy.