Cyrano De Bergerac Part 4

JODELET [nimbly picking up the bag, weighing it with his hand] [nimbly picking up the bag, weighing it with his hand] For such a price, you are authorized, monsieur, to come and stop the performance every day! For such a price, you are authorized, monsieur, to come and stop the performance every day!

THE HOUSE Hoo! ... Hoo! ...

JODELET Should we be hooted in a body! ...

BELLEROSE The house must be evacuated!

JODELET Evacuate it!

[The audience begins to leave; CYRANO looking on with a satisfied air. The crowd, however, becoming interested in the following scene, the exodus is suspended. The women in the boxes who were already standing and had put on their wraps, stop to listen and end by resuming their seats.]

LE BRET [to CYRANO] What you have done ... is mad! CYRANO] What you have done ... is mad!

A BORE Montfleury! ... the eminent actor! ... What a scandal ! ... But the Duc de Candale is his patron! ... Have you a patron, you?

CYRANO No!

THE BORE You have not.

CYRANO No!

THE BORE What?You are not protected by some great n.o.bleman under the cover of whose name....

CYRANO [exasperated] [exasperated] No, I have told you twice. Must I say the same thing thrice? No, I have no protector ... No, I have told you twice. Must I say the same thing thrice? No, I have no protector ... [hand on sword] [hand on sword] but this will do. but this will do.

THE BORE Then, of course, you will leave town.

CYRANO That will depend.

THE BORE But the Duc de Candale has a long arm ...

CYRANO Not so long as mine ... [pointing to his sword] pieced out with this!

THE BORE But you cannot have the presumption ...

CYRANO I can, yes.

THE BORE But ...

CYRANO And now ... face about!

THE BORE But ...

CYRANO Face about, I say ... or else, tell me why you are looking at my nose.

THE BORE [bewildered] [bewildered] I ... I ...

CYRANO [advancing [advancing upon upon him] him] In what is it unusual? In what is it unusual?

THE BORE [backing] [backing] Your wors.h.i.+p is mistaken. Your wors.h.i.+p is mistaken.

CYRANO [same business as above] [same business as above] Is it flabby and pendulous, like a proboscis? Is it flabby and pendulous, like a proboscis?

THE BORE I never said ...

CYRANO Or hooked like a hawk's beak?

THE BORE I...

CYRANO Do you discern a mole upon the tip?

THE BORE But ...

CYRANO Or is a fly disporting himself thereon? What is there wonderful about it?

THE BORE Oh ...

CYRANO Is it a freak of nature?

THE BORE But I had refrained from casting so much as a glance at it!

CYRANO And why, I pray, should you not look at it?

THE BORE I had ...

CYRANO So it disgusts you?

THE BORE Sir ...

CYRANO Its color strikes you as unwholesome?

THE BORE Sir ...

CYRANO Its shape, unfortunate?

THE BORE But far from it!

CYRANO Then wherefore that depreciating air? ... Perhaps monsieur thinks it a shade too large?

THE BORE Indeed not. No, indeed. I think it small ... small,-I should have said, minute!

CYRANO What? How? Charge me with such a ridiculous defect? Small, my nose? Ho! ...

THE BORE Heavens!

CYRANO Enormous, my nose! ... Contemptible stutterer, snub-nosed and flat-headed, be it known to you that I am proud, proud of such an appendage! inasmuch as a great nose is properly the index of an affable, kindly, courteous man, witty, liberal, brave, such as I am! and such as you are for evermore precluded from supposing yourself, deplorable rogue! For the inglorious surface my hand encounters above your ruff, is no less devoid-[Strikes him]

THE BORE Ai! ai! ...

CYRANO Of pride, alacrity and sweep, of perception and of gift, of heavenly spark, of sumptuousness, to sum up all, of NOSE, than that [turns him around by the shoulders and suits the action to the word], [turns him around by the shoulders and suits the action to the word], which stops my boot below your spine! which stops my boot below your spine!

THE BORE [running off [running off] Help! The watch! ...19 CYRANO Warning to the idle who might find entertainment in my organ of smell.... And if the facetious fellow be of birth, my custom is, before I let him go, to chasten him, in front, and higher up, with steel, and not with hide!

DE GUICHE [who has stepped down from the stage with the marquises] [who has stepped down from the stage with the marquises] He is becoming tiresome! He is becoming tiresome!

VALVERT [shrugging his shoulders] [shrugging his shoulders] It is empty bl.u.s.ter! It is empty bl.u.s.ter!

DE GUICHE Will no one take him up?

VALVERT No one? ... Wait! I will have one of those shots at him! [He approaches [He approaches CYRANO CYRANO who is watching him, and stops in front of him, in an att.i.tude of silly swagger.] who is watching him, and stops in front of him, in an att.i.tude of silly swagger.] Your ... your nose is ... errr ... Your nose ... is very large! Your ... your nose is ... errr ... Your nose ... is very large!

CYRANO [gravely] [gravely] Very. Very.

VALVERT [laughs] [laughs] Ha! ... Ha! ...

CYRANO [imperturbable] [imperturbable] Is that all? Is that all?

VALVERT But ...

CYRANO Ah, no, young man, that is not enough! You might have said, dear me, there are a thousand things ... varying the tone ... For instance ... here you are:-Aggressive: "I, monsieur, if I had such a nose, nothing would serve but I must cut it off! Amicable: "It must be in your way while drinking; you ought to have a special beaker made!" Descriptive: "It is a crag! ... a peak! ... a promontory! ... A promontory, did I say? ... It is a peninsula!" Inquisitive: "What may the office be of that oblong receptacle ? Is it an inkhorn or a scissor-case?" Mincing: "Do you so dote on birds, you have, fond as a father, been at pains to fit the little darlings with a roost?" Blunt: "Tell me, monsieur, you, when you smoke, is it possible you blow the vapor through your nose without a neighbor crying "The chimney is afire?" Anxious: "Go with caution, I beseech, lest your head, dragged over by that weight, should drag you over!" Tender: "Have a little sun-shade made for it! It might get freckled!" Learned: "None but the beast, monsieur, mentioned by Aristophanes, the hippocampelephantocamelos, can have borne beneath his forehead so much cartilage and bone!" Off-hand: "What, comrade, is that sort of peg in style? Capital to hang one's hat upon!" Emphatic: "No wind can hope, O lordly nose, to give the whole of you a cold, but the Nor-Wester!" Dramatic: "It is the Red Sea when it bleeds!" Admiring: "What a sign for a perfumer's shop!" Lyrical: "Art thou a Triton, and is that thy conch?" Simple: "A monument! When is admission free?" Deferent : "Suffer, monsieur, that I should pay you my respects: that is what I call possessing a house of your own!" Rustic: "Hi, boys! Call that a nose? Ye don't gull me! It's either a prize carrot or else a stunted gourd!" Military: "Level against the cavalry!" Practical: "Will you put it up for raffle? Indubitably, sir, it will be the feature of the game!"And finally in parody of weeping Pyramus: "Behold, behold the nose that traitorously destroyed the beauty of its master! and is blus.h.i.+ng for the same!"-That, my dear sir, or something not unlike, is what you would have said to me, had you the smallest leaven of letters or of wit; but of wit, O most pitiable of objects made by G.o.d, you never had a rudiment, and of letters, you have just those that are needed to spell "fool!"-But, had it been otherwise, and had you been possessed of the fertile fancy requisite to shower upon me, here, in this n.o.ble company, that volley of sprightly pleasantries, still should you not have delivered yourself of so much as a quarter of the tenth part of the beginning of the first.... For I let off these good things at myself, and with sufficient zest, but do not suffer another to let them off at me! DE GUICHE [attempting to lead away the amazed vicomte] [attempting to lead away the amazed vicomte] Let be, vicomte! Let be, vicomte!

VALVERT That insufferable haughty bearing! ... A clodhopper without ... without so much as gloves ... who goes abroad without points ... or bow-knots! ...

CYRANO My foppery is of the inner man. I do not trick myself out like a popinjay, but I am more fastidious, if I am not so showy. I would not sally forth, by any chance, not washed quite clean of an affront; my conscience foggy about the eye, my honor crumpled, my nicety black-rimmed. I walk with all upon me furbished bright. I plume myself with independence and straightforwardness. It is not a handsome figure, it is my soul, I hold erect as in a brace. I go decked with exploits in place of ribbon bows. I taper to a point my wit like a moustache. And at my pa.s.sage through the crowd true sayings ring like spurs!

VALVERT But, sir ...

CYRANO I am without gloves? ... a mighty matter! I only had one left, of a very ancient pair, and even that became a burden to me ... I left it in somebody's face.

VALVERT Villain, clod-poll, flat-foot, refuse of the earth!

CYRANO [taking off his hat and bowing as if the VICOMTE had been introducing himself] [taking off his hat and bowing as if the VICOMTE had been introducing himself] Ah? ... And mine, Cyrano-Savinien-Hercule of Bergerac! Ah? ... And mine, Cyrano-Savinien-Hercule of Bergerac!

VALVERT [exasperated] [exasperated] Buffoon! Buffoon!

CYRANO [giving a sudden cry, as if seized with a cramp] [giving a sudden cry, as if seized with a cramp] Ai!... Ai!...

VALVERT [who had started toward the back, turning] [who had started toward the back, turning] What is he saying now? What is he saying now?

CYRANO [s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g his face as if in pain] [s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g his face as if in pain] It must have leave to stir ... it has a cramp! It is bad for it to be kept still so long! It must have leave to stir ... it has a cramp! It is bad for it to be kept still so long!

VALVERT What is the matter?

CYRANO My rapier p.r.i.c.kles like a foot asleep!

VALVERT [drawing] [drawing] So be it! So be it!

CYRANO I shall give you a charming little hurt!

VALVERT [contemptuous] [contemptuous] A poet! A poet!

CYRANO Yes, a poet, ... and to such an extent, that while we fence, I will, hop! extempore, compose you a ballade!

VALVERT A ballade?

CYRANO I fear you do not know what that is.

VALVERT But ...

CYRANO [as if saying a lesson] [as if saying a lesson] The ballade is composed of three stanzas of eight lines each ... The ballade is composed of three stanzas of eight lines each ...

VALVERT [stamps with his feet] [stamps with his feet] Oh! ... Oh! ...

CYRANO [continuing] [continuing] And an envoi And an envoi20 of four. of four.

VALVERT You ...

CYRANO I will with the same breath fight you and compose one. And at the last line, I will hit you.

VALVERT Indeed you will not!

CYRANO No? ... [Declaiming] [Declaiming]

Ballade of the duel which in Burgundy House Monsieur de Bergerac fought with a jackanapes.

VALVERT And what is that, if you please?

CYRANO That is the t.i.tle.

THE AUDIENCE [at the highest pitch of excitement] Make room! ... Good sport! ... Stand aside! ... Keep still! ... Make room! ... Good sport! ... Stand aside! ... Keep still! ... [Tableau. A ring, in the pit, of the interested; the MARQUISES and OFFICERS scattered among the BURGHERS and COMMON PEOPLE. The PAGES have climbed on the shoulders of various ones, the better to see. All the women are standing in the boxes. At the right, DE GUICHE and his attendant gentlemen. At the left, LE BRET, RAGUENEAU, CUIGY, etc.] [Tableau. A ring, in the pit, of the interested; the MARQUISES and OFFICERS scattered among the BURGHERS and COMMON PEOPLE. The PAGES have climbed on the shoulders of various ones, the better to see. All the women are standing in the boxes. At the right, DE GUICHE and his attendant gentlemen. At the left, LE BRET, RAGUENEAU, CUIGY, etc.]

CYRANO [closing his eyes a second] [closing his eyes a second] Wait. I am settling upon the rhymes. There. I have them. Wait. I am settling upon the rhymes. There. I have them. [In declaiming, he suits the action to the word. [In declaiming, he suits the action to the word. ] ]

Of my broad felt made lighter, I cast my mantle broad, And stand, poet and fighter, To do and to record.

I bow, I draw my sword ...

En garde! with steel and wit I play you at first abord ...

At the last line, I hit!