Contemporary One-Act Plays Part 15

He hunts in the drawer again, and this time brings forth a huge ear-trumpet, which he chucklingly places an his table beside the bottle of tablets._

JUDGE. Don't let any more in, Imp. I can't stand another one to-day. I am going to write a letter and then go home.

IMP. All right, sir.

JUDGE. I am feeling very tired; what I really need is a vacation. A sea-trip would put me right. By the way, Imp, where is that transatlantic folder that I told you to get?

[IMP _picks up the folder from his desk and takes it to the_ JUDGE, _who studies it attentively_. IMP _returns to his own desk, where he again looks in a drawer and brings forth a menu card, which he glances over, grinning mischievously_.

[_The former_ POOR MAN _re-enters from the changing-room. He is well dressed, and taking a well-filled wallet from his pocket, he looks at it gloatingly. However, from time to time, a shade of annoyance pa.s.ses over his face, and he puts his hand to the pit of his stomach._ IMP _runs to meet him, and hands him the menu that he has been reading_.

IMP. Here's a menu from the Gargoyle. Say, you sure do look swell!

[_Looking him over admiringly._

FORMER POOR MAN. [_Grinning happily._] Some cla.s.s to me now, eh!

[_Looking at menu._] And you watch me pick out a real dinner. [_Sits down at left front._] First, I'll have a c.o.c.ktail, then--let's see--I'll have--another c.o.c.ktail. Next, oysters, and [_he frowns and presses his hand to the pit of his stomach, keeping up a ma.s.saging motion_]--green-turtle soup, sand dabs--chicken b.r.e.a.s.t.s--

[_They become absorbed over the menu._

[_The_ VAIN WOMAN _re-enters from the changing-room. She now has a smooth face, and she is looking at herself in a hand-gla.s.s, smiling and touching her face delightedly, She walks over to the railing, and leans over it to the_ JUDGE. _He looks up questioningly._

VAIN WOMAN. [_Smiling._] Oh, I am so happy again. Am I not beautiful?

JUDGE. [_Pityingly._] You are a vain, foolish woman.

[_Since she is deaf, she does not hear his words, but thinks he is complimenting her. She smiles at him coyly._

VAIN WOMAN. Ah, Judge, you too are susceptible to my charms.

[_The_ JUDGE, _in great exasperation, puts away his papers, thrusts the transatlantic folder in his pocket, hastily closes his desk, and hurries to the hat-rack, puts on his overcoat, slips his skull-cap into his pocket and puts on his soft black hat. Then, with a shrug of his shoulders and a wave of his hand indicative of disgust, he slips quietly out._

[_The_ VAIN WOMAN _saunters past the_ FORMER POOR MAN, _stops near him, posing, and begins to put on her gloves. He looks at her admiringly, then, getting to his feet, makes an elaborate but awkward bow._

FORMER POOR MAN. Excuse me, lady, but I've had a big piece of luck to-day, and I want to celebrate, so I am having a big dinner. Won't you join me and help me have a good time?

VAIN WOMAN. [_Looking at him blankly, and trying to fathom what he has said._] Oh--why, what did you say?

FORMER POOR MAN. [_Hesitating, and a bit surprised._] Why--er--I said that I had a big piece of luck to-day, and I am going to celebrate. I am having a fine dinner, and I just asked if--if--you wouldn't have dinner with me.

VAIN WOMAN. [_Still looking blank and a little confused, then smiling archly and acting as though she had been hearing compliments, she speaks affectedly._] Really, do you think so? [_Looking down and smoothing her dress._] But, then, every one tells me that I am.

FORMER POOR MAN. [_Puzzled, turns to_ IMP _for help_.] Just what is her trouble, Nut?

IMP. [_Secretly gleeful._] She is stone-deaf. You had better write it.

FORMER POOR MAN. Never! No deaf ones for me.

[_Turns away and consults menu again._ VAIN WOMAN _poses and frequently looks in hand-gla.s.s to rea.s.sure herself_.

[FORMER RICH CITIZEN _re-enters from the changing-room. He is dressed in shabby overalls, jumper, and an old hat. He has a pipe in his mouth. He walks arrogantly over to the_ FORMER POOR MAN _and addresses him_.

FORMER RICH CITIZEN. Give me a light.

FORMER POOR MAN. [_Trying to live up to his fine clothes and wallet full of money, looks the_ FORMER RICH CITIZEN _over snubbingly_.] Say, who do you think you are? You light out, see?

FORMER RICH CITIZEN. [_Very much surprised, stands nonplussed a moment._] Well, upon my word, I--I----

[_He stops short in his speech, walks haughtily over to the railing, where he stands glowering at the_ FORMER POOR MAN. _The_ FORMER POOR MAN _starts for the street door, but_ IMP _runs after him, waving the bottle of tablets_.

IMP. I'll sell you these for two bits.

FORMER POOR MAN. What is that?

IMP. [_Grinning._] Indigestion tablets.

FORMER POOR MAN. [_Puts his hand to his stomach and laughs a little lamely._] Keep 'em; I don't need 'em.

[VAIN WOMAN _fastens her fur and starts for the street-door, giving the_ FORMER RICH CITIZEN _a snubbing look as she pa.s.ses him_. IMP _stops her and offers the ear-trumpet_.

IMP. You might need this; I'll sell it for a dollar.

[_She does not hear what he says, but she looks her scorn at the ear-trumpet and walks proudly out._

FORMER RICH CITIZEN. [_Fumbling at his pocket, as if to find a watch._]

Boy, what time is it? I haven't my watch.

IMP. [_Grinning mischievously._] Time to milk the cows.

[_The_ FORMER RICH CITIZEN _starts angrily toward_ IMP, _then evidently thinking better of it, shrugs his shoulders and stalks majestically to the street-door. He pauses with it partly open, turns as if to speak to_ IMP, _drawing himself up haughtily--a ludicrous figure in his shabby outfit--then he goes abruptly out, slamming the door_.

[IMP _doubles himself up in a paroxysm of glee as the curtain falls_.

SCENE II

_A fortnight has pa.s.sed. The curtain rises upon the same stage-setting. The_ JUDGE _is not about, but we see_ IMP _asleep in a chair. All seems quiet and serene. But suddenly the street-door opens noisily, and the_ FORMER POOR MAN _bursts into the room. He is panting, as though he had been running. He is haggard and seems in great pain, for occasionally he moans. He looks wildly about the room, and seeing_ IMP _asleep in the chair, he rushes to him and shakes him roughly_. IMP _wakes slowly, yawning and rubbing his eyes_.

FORMER POOR MAN. [_Frantically._] The Judge, where is he? I must see him at once.

IMP. [_Yawning._] You're too early. He isn't down yet.

[_Settles himself to go to sleep again._

FORMER POOR MAN. [_Walking the floor, and holding his hands to his stomach._] Don't go to sleep again. I'm nearly crazy. What time does the Judge get here? Where does he live? Can't we send for him?

IMP. [_Indifferently._] Oh, he is liable to come any minute--and then he may not come for an hour or two.

FORMER POOR MAN. [_Pacing the floor, moaning and rubbing his stomach_.]

Oh, I can't stand it much longer. It's driving me wild, I tell you. I do wish the Judge would come.