Contemporary One-Act Plays Part 23

SERGEANT. The arrangements have all been left to me, the archdeacon being away. He knows I have a good intellect for things of the sort. But the loss of those slides puts a man out. The thing people will not see it is not likely it is the thing they will believe. I saw what they call tableaux--standing pictures, you know--one time in Dundrum----

MRS. DELANE. Miss Joyce was saying Father Gregan is supporting you.

SERGEANT. I am accepting his a.s.sistance. No bigotry about me when there is a question of the welfare of any fellow creatures. Orange and green will stand together to-night, I, myself, and the station-master on the one side, your parish priest in the chair.

MISS JOYCE. If his reverence would mind me he would not quit the house to-night. He is no more fit to go speak at a meeting than [_pointing to the one hanging outside_ QUIRKE'S _door_] that sheep.

SERGEANT. I am willing to take the responsibility. He will have no speaking to do at all, unless it might be to bid them give the lecturer a hearing. The loss of those slides now is a great annoyance to me--and no time for anything. The lecturer will be coming by the next train.

MISS JOYCE. Who is this coming up the street, Mrs. Delane?

MRS. DELANE. I wouldn't doubt it to be the new sub-sanitary inspector.

Was I telling you of the weight of the testimonials he got, Miss Joyce?

MISS JOYCE. Sure, I heard the curate reading them to his reverence. He must be a wonder for principles.

MRS. DELANE. Indeed, it is what I was saying to myself, he must be a very saintly young man.

[_Enter_ HYACINTH HALVEY. _He carries a small bag and a large brown-paper parcel. He stops and nods bashfully._

HYACINTH. Good evening to you. I was bid to come to the post-office----

SERGEANT. I suppose you are Hyacinth Halvey? I had a letter about you from the resident magistrate.

HYACINTH. I heard he was writing. It was my mother got a friend he deals with to ask him.

SERGEANT. He gives you a very high character.

HYACINTH. It is very kind of him, indeed, and he not knowing me at all.

But, indeed, all the neighbors were very friendly. Anything any one could do to help me they did it.

MRS. DELANE. I'll engage it is the testimonials you have in your parcel?

I know the wrapping-paper, but they grew in bulk since I handled them.

HYACINTH. Indeed, I was getting them to the last. There was not one refused me. It is what my mother was saying, a good character is no burden.

FARDY. I would believe that, indeed.

SERGEANT. Let us have a look at the testimonials.

[HYACINTH HALVEY _opens a parcel, and a large number of envelopes fall out_.

SERGEANT. [_Opening and reading one by one._] "He possesses the fire of the Gael, the strength of the Norman, the vigor of the Dane, the stolidity of the Saxon----"

HYACINTH. It was the chairman of the Poor Law Guardians wrote that.

SERGEANT. "A magnificent example to old and young----"

HYACINTH. That was the secretary of the De Wet Hurling Club----

SERGEANT. "A s.h.i.+ning example of the value conferred by an eminently careful and high-cla.s.s education----"

HYACINTH. That was the national schoolmaster.

SERGEANT. "Devoted to the highest ideals of his motherland to such an extent as is compatible with a hitherto non-parliamentary career----"

HYACINTH. That was the member for Carrow.

SERGEANT. "A splendid exponent of the purity of the race----"

HYACINTH. The editor of the "Carrow Champion."

SERGEANT. "Admirably adapted for the efficient discharge of all possible duties that may in future be laid upon him----"

HYACINTH. The new station-master.

SERGEANT. "A champion of every cause that can legitimately benefit his fellow creatures--" Why, look here, my man, you are the very one to come to our a.s.sistance to-night.

HYACINTH. I would be glad to do that. What way can I do it?

SERGEANT. You are a newcomer--your example would carry weight--you must stand up as a living proof of the beneficial effect of a high character, moral fibre, temperance--there is something about it here I am sure--(_Looks._) I am sure I saw "unparalleled temperance" in some place----

HYACINTH. It was my mother's cousin wrote that--I am no drinker, but I haven't the pledge taken----

SERGEANT. You might take it for the purpose.

MR. QUIRKE. [_Eagerly._] Here is an ant.i.treating b.u.t.ton. I was made a present of it by one of my customers--I'll give it to you [_sticks it in_ HYACINTH'S _coat_] and welcome.

SERGEANT. That is it. You can wear the b.u.t.ton on the platform--or a bit of blue ribbon--hundreds will follow your example--I know the boys from the Workhouse will----

HYACINTH. I am in no way wishful to be an example----

SERGEANT. I will read extracts from the testimonials. "There he is," I will say, "an example of one in early life who by his own unaided efforts and his high character has obtained a profitable situation."

[_Slaps his side._] I know what I'll do. I'll engage a few corner-boys from Noonan's bar, just as they are, greasy and sodden, to stand in a group--there will be the contrast--the sight will deter others from a similar fate--that's the way to do a tableau--I knew I could turn out a success.

HYACINTH. I wouldn't like to be a contrast----

SERGEANT. [_Puts testimonials in his pocket._] I will go now and engage those lads--sixpence each, and well worth it--nothing like an example for the rural cla.s.ses.

[_Goes off_, HYACINTH _feebly trying to detain him_.

MRS. DELANE. A very nice man, indeed. A little high up in himself, maybe. I'm not one that blames the police. Sure they have their own bread to earn like every other one. And indeed it is often they will let a thing pa.s.s.

MR. QUIRKE. [_Gloomily._] Sometimes they will, and more times they will not.

MISS JOYCE. And where will you be finding a lodging, Mr. Halvey?

HYACINTH. I was going to ask that myself, ma'am. I don't know the town.