Contemporary One-Act Plays Part 29

[SERGEANT _comes in_. QUIRKE _leaves go of_ HALVEY, _who arranges his hat, etc._

SERGEANT. The department to blazes!

MRS. DELANE. What is it is putting you out?

SERGEANT. To go to the train to meet the lecturer, and there to get a message through the guard that he was unavoidably detained in the South, holding an inquest on the remains of a drake.

MRS. DELANE. The lecturer, is it?

SERGEANT. To be sure. What else would I be talking of? The lecturer has failed me, and where am I to go looking for a person that I would think fitting to take his place?

MRS. DELANE. And that's all? And you didn't get any message but the one?

SERGEANT. Is that all? I am surprised at you, Mrs. Delane. Isn't it enough to upset a man, within three-quarters of an hour of the time of the meeting? Where, I would ask you, am I to find a man that has education enough and wit enough and character enough to put up speaking on the platform on the minute?

MR. QUIRKE. [_Jumps up._] It is I, myself, will tell you that.

SERGEANT. You!

MR. QUIRKE. [_Slapping_ HALVEY _on the back_.] Look at here, Sergeant.

There is not one word was said in all those papers about this young man before you but it is true. And there could be no good thing said of him that would be too good for him.

SERGEANT. It might not be a bad idea.

MR. QUIRKE. Whatever the paper said about him, Sergeant, I can say more again. It has come to my knowledge--by chance--that since he came to this town that young man has saved a whole family from destruction.

SERGEANT. That is much to his credit--helping the rural cla.s.ses----

MR. QUIRKE. A family and a long family, big and little, like sods of turf--and they depending on a--on one that might be on his way to dark trouble at this minute if it was not for his a.s.sistance. Believe me, he is the most sensible man, and the wittiest, and the kindest, and the best helper of the poor that ever stood before you in this square. Is not that so, Mrs. Delane?

MRS. DELANE. It is true, indeed. Where he gets his wisdom and his wit and his information from I don't know, unless it might be that he is gifted from above.

SERGEANT.. Well, Mrs. Delane, I think we have settled that question. Mr.

Halvey, you will be the speaker at the meeting. The lecturer sent these notes--you can lengthen them into a speech. You can call to the people of Cloon to stand out, to begin the building of their character. I saw a lecturer do it one time at Dundrum. "Come up here," he said; "Dare to be a Daniel," he said----

HYACINTH. I can't--I won't----

SERGEANT. [_Looking at papers and thrusting them into his hand._] You will find it quite easy. I will conduct you to the platform--these papers before you and a gla.s.s of water--that's settled. [_Turns to go._]

Follow me on to the court-house in half an hour--I must go to the barracks first--I heard there was a telegram--[_Calls back as he goes._]

Don't be late, Mrs. Delane. Mind, Quirke, you promised to come.

MRS. DELANE. Well, it's time for me to make an end of settling myself--and, indeed, Mr. Quirke, you'd best do the same.

MR. QUIRKE. [_Rubbing his cheek._] I suppose so. I had best keep on good terms with him for the present. [_Turns._] Well, now, I had a great escape this day.

[_Both go in as_ FARDY _reappears, whistling_.

HYACINTH. [_Sitting down._] I don't know in the world what has come upon the world that the half of the people of it should be cracked!

FARDY. Weren't you found out yet?

HYACINTH. Found out, is it? I don't know what you mean by being found out.

FARDY. Didn't he miss the sheep?

HYACINTH. He did, and I told him it was I took it--and what happened I declare to goodness I don't know--Will you look at these? [_Holds out notes._

FARDY. Papers! Are they more testimonials?

HYACINTH. They are what is worse. [_Gives a hoa.r.s.e laugh._] Will you come and see me on the platform--these in my hand--and I speaking--giving out advice. [FARDY _whistles_.] Why didn't you tell me, the time you advised me to steal a sheep, that in this town it would qualify a man to go preaching, and the priest in the chair looking on?

FARDY. The time I took a few apples that had fallen off a stall, they did not ask me to hold a meeting. They welted me well.

HYACINTH. [_Looking round._] I would take apples if I could see them. I wish I had broke my neck before I left Carrow, and I'd be better off! I wish I had got six months the time I was caught setting snares--I wish I had robbed a church.

FARDY. Would a Protestant church do?

HYACINTH. I suppose it wouldn't be so great a sin.

FARDY. It's likely the sergeant would think worse of it. Anyway, if you want to rob one, it's the Protestant church is the handiest.

HYACINTH. [_Getting up._] Show me what way to do it?

FARDY. [_Pointing._] I was going around it a few minutes ago, to see might there be e'er a dog scenting the sheep, and I noticed the window being out.

HYACINTH. Out, out and out?

FARDY. It was, where they are putting colored gla.s.s in it for the distiller----

HYACINTH. What good does that do me?

FARDY. Every good. You could go in by that window if you had some person to give you a hoist. Whatever riches there is to get in it then, you'll get them.

HYACINTH. I don't want riches. I'll give you all I will find if you will come and hoist me.

FARDY. Here is Miss Joyce coming to bring you to your lodging. Sure I brought your bag to it, the time you were away with the sheep----

HYACINTH. Run! Run!

[_They go off._ _Enter_ MISS JOYCE.

MISS JOYCE. Are you here, Mrs. Delane? Where, can you tell me, is Mr.

Halvey?

MRS. DELANE. [_Coming out dressed._] It's likely he is gone on to the court-house. Did you hear he is to be in the chair and to make an address to the meeting?

MISS JOYCE. He is getting on fast. His reverence says he will be a good help in the parish. Who would think, now, there would be such a G.o.dly young man in a little place like Carrow!

[_Enter_ SERGEANT _in a hurry, with telegram_.