Babyproofing Your Marriage Part 4

The Rules The game of scorekeeping involves the trading back and forth of Marriage Capital Marriage Capital, or "points," between husband and wife. Pay attention here, because the rules are exceedingly complex. Here's a short overview: 1. In most instances, according to husbands, it is the wife who determines how many points a specific activity scores. "Why doesn't checking the air in her tires count, but cleaning the kitchen does?"

"I always thought that I would get points for yard work. I'm out there on a Sat.u.r.day morning tr.i.m.m.i.n.g the hedges, mowing the lawn, making it all look pretty, and I walk in and she says, 'Where the h.e.l.l have you been?' "

-Jacob, married 7 years, 2 kids What's the Score?

61.2. Men often think that they have scored major points ("Hey, I was up at the crack of dawn with the kids; I did all the grocery shopping this weekend"), but to their wives, activities that count as "doing his fair share" don't score any points at all.

3. In fact, a man may have points deducted deducted because he because he expects expects major kudos for simply pulling his weight. major kudos for simply pulling his weight.

4. Positive points have a use-by date. If they are not used within recent memory of the point-scoring activity, they expire.

5. Negative points, however, last indefinitely. Women, we've been told, keep a detailed mental log of all infractions and omissions.

"You get credit for a good deed, but it only lasts for about six months. You have to use it fast. But demerits, they last forever."

-Francisco, married 4 years, 2 kids 6. In effect, there is no statute of limitations.

"What do you mean you're going to the game? You only spent an hour with the kids last weekend! And when your parents were here last month, I was the one playing Scrabble with your mother until all hours. . . ."

-Tracy, married 5 years, 2 kids 7. Advanced-level play: "You can get multiple points if you actually forgo a golf game or whatever and tell your wife you want to spend time with her."

-Simon, married 3 years, 1 kid "No way. My wife would call bulls.h.i.+t on that right away. She'd smell a rat."

-Vince, married 5 years, 2 kids 62.Weekend Warriors Welcome to the weekend, the Scorekeeping Super Bowl.

"TGIF? That's a joke. Thank G.o.d it's Monday is more like it. I kiss my desk on Monday morning."

-Dev, married 7 years, 2 kids "Peter and I argue over 'pacing.' He's not in any hurry, but I feel like I have to keep moving or the whole family will be buried in laundry, toys, dishes, and dust bunnies. I can't stop. And I can't take a break. If I take a break, then the baby will want to nurse by the time I'm ready to start working again and I will fall further behind. Meanwhile, he wants to relax on the weekend and sip his coffee. I want him to be up and cleaning the bathroom."

-Kelly, married 8 years, 3 kids Remember Sat.u.r.day and Sunday? Forty-eight hours of R&R. You could stay in bed (together) until noon . . . or not. You could have brunch at your favorite little bistro. Take in a movie. Paint your toenails, paint his toenails. The options were endless. He did his stuff. You did your stuff.

Then you did some couple stuff. Remember when the most taxing issue you had was "Hey, what'll we do this weekend?" Kids arrive, and that question becomes, "You're doing what what this weekend?" The this weekend?" The what what being fis.h.i.+ng, jogging, aerobics, a manicure, work, golf, or whatever activity it is that takes you away from kids and spouse for more than thirty minutes. being fis.h.i.+ng, jogging, aerobics, a manicure, work, golf, or whatever activity it is that takes you away from kids and spouse for more than thirty minutes.

"I really resent that he wants to take off for five hours to play golf on Sat.u.r.day, then he expects me to be oh-so-grateful because he watches the kids while I go to yoga for an hour. Big friggin' deal."

-Jane, married 9 years, 2 kids At no other time is the transition from carefree couple to enc.u.mbered parents more apparent than on the weekend. There is no more "me time."

Your errands and all the house maintenance still have to be done, but now at breakneck speed with small people hanging on your legs. A little personal time to pursue your favorite activities becomes the subject of intense negotiation.

What's the Score?

63.Those women who work outside the house descend into the depths of domestic h.e.l.l on the weekend. During the week they either don't notice, or have no choice but to ignore, the c.r.a.p under the sofa, the pile of unwashed laundry and the almost-empty fridge. Sat.u.r.day arrives and those clothes must must be washed, the living room be washed, the living room must must be picked up, and the fridge be picked up, and the fridge must must be filled. Needless to say, their husbands are not thrilled to be sucked into a maelstrom of cleaning, shopping, and child-minding. be filled. Needless to say, their husbands are not thrilled to be sucked into a maelstrom of cleaning, shopping, and child-minding.

(For the record, we girls are not too thrilled about it either, but what's the alternative-domestic chaos and smelly, starving kids?) Scorekeeping Confessions Scorekeeping Confessions The three of us have at one time or another been serious scorekeepers. We're not proud to admit it, but there you have it. We each had different styles and our own way of letting our husbands know the score. Notice we are using the past tense. That is somewhat aspirational, but we have improved enormously and we're still working on it. Meet the Silent Sulker, the Quarterly Exploder, and Exacto Woman: The Silent Sulker Never being one to let a good grudge go to waste, in addition to being a consummate conflict avoider, Julia subjected Gordon to what is perhaps the most dangerous form of scorekeeping: perpetual double-secret probation perpetual double-secret probation. In her mind, being "equal partners" meant he should see, should implicitly understand, what needed doing and do it without being told. Telling him, or asking him, to do a task seemed to be an admission that the housework and child care were ultimately her her responsibility. responsibility.

As the dishes piled up in the sink and the baby played happily with a load in his pants, Julia would note the mounting evidence of Gordon's "unhelpfulness" on her mental log. She wanted him to be a mind reader. When, lo and behold, he wasn't, well, that was his fault, too. Instead of communicating her concerns, though, Julia would don her martyr's cloak and set about the tasks at hand with a sizable chip on her shoulder.

64.Gordon responded in kind, retreating to the couch or the yard, silently stewing. Perhaps this behavior speaks more to Julia's psychological makeup than simply her scorekeeping practices, but that's how it went down in her house.

The Quarterly Exploder Cathy is a self-confessed control freak. If something needs to be done she would rather do it herself. Most of the time that suits her just fine. Most of the time. She waits until she's drowning before she screams for help. She doesn't notice she needs a break until she's neck-deep in quicksand. About once every two to three months Cathy has a meltdown, an "I am sick of this, you do nothing, the house is filthy, the yard is a joke, I need a haircut, and if you ask me one more time what's for dinner I will lose it" type of meltdown. Mike gives the "You are an amazing, fantastic, super wife and outstanding mother, and I am not worthy to have you wash my socks" response and then takes off with both kids for six hours. By the time he gets back, she feels great and thinks she has the best husband in the world. (Yeah, Stacie and Julia don't understand it either.) Then everything is fine for a few months until the next explosion.

Exacto Woman Stacie's brain operates like a precise mathematical computer program, complete with detailed files, heavy-duty a.n.a.lysis, and at least a hundred gigabytes of memory. According to Ross, during an argument, she accesses any and all relevant data any and all relevant data- times, places, names, entire entire conversations, you name it-then she proceeds to a.n.a.lyze every last detail. conversations, you name it-then she proceeds to a.n.a.lyze every last detail.

During the early post-baby years, the scorekeeping battle was on. Ross, the Debate Club Champion met Exacto Woman Exacto Woman.

During arguments about Ross's poorly timed golf outings or how little he helped out with a birthday party, Stacie, thinking that he still didn't "get" the big picture, would access the real ammo: every infraction from the last six months. Ross would return fire with detailed reb.u.t.tals, complete with statistical percentages comparing the merits of their arguments. But how What's the Score?

65.could you blame him? He had to put his best game face on for Exacto Woman Exacto Woman. They were both guilty of trying to win rather than achieve mutual understanding.

Why Do We Keep Score?

After kids arrive, amateur scorekeepers turn pro, and those of us who never cared about how much, or how little, our spouse did around the house start to keep score. Why do we do it?

Validation. We feel like our spouse either doesn't get how hard we are working, or gets it, but doesn't give us our propers. We need a little expression of understanding and appreciation. We feel like our spouse either doesn't get how hard we are working, or gets it, but doesn't give us our propers. We need a little expression of understanding and appreciation.

Exhaustion. Parenthood is like playing in heavy surf. The waves are relentless. We've eaten one too many mouthfuls of sand. We hope our spouse will lessen our burden. We're looking for some action. Parenthood is like playing in heavy surf. The waves are relentless. We've eaten one too many mouthfuls of sand. We hope our spouse will lessen our burden. We're looking for some action.

Injustice! Either we think we are pulling more weight than our spouse and are pretty ticked off about it, or we feel falsely accused of not doing our fair share. Either we think we are pulling more weight than our spouse and are pretty ticked off about it, or we feel falsely accused of not doing our fair share.

Hardwiring. Maternal instinct is powerful. "Doing it right" suddenly becomes more important to women. Men, however, just want it done. Maternal instinct is powerful. "Doing it right" suddenly becomes more important to women. Men, however, just want it done.

Habit. Don't we all get in a marital rut and stay there? When there is no letup in the back and forth, scorekeeping simply becomes the currency of our relations.h.i.+p. It's how we communicate about everything, dragging the baggage of all those earlier accusations and counter-accusations with us into each new conversation. Don't we all get in a marital rut and stay there? When there is no letup in the back and forth, scorekeeping simply becomes the currency of our relations.h.i.+p. It's how we communicate about everything, dragging the baggage of all those earlier accusations and counter-accusations with us into each new conversation.

Fear? Yes, fear. We think we're angry, but really, we're scared. An attorney (uh-oh) we know said: Yes, fear. We think we're angry, but really, we're scared. An attorney (uh-oh) we know said: "Those fights are never about the trash. Anger is a secondary emotion, fear is the primary emotion. She is afraid that he doesn't value her contributions. She wants to know that she [image]

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66.is not doing it all on her own. He is afraid that he will never make her happy, that no matter what he does, it will never be enough."

The thing is, it doesn't feel feel like he's afraid he can't make you happy when he moans about having to take the kids to Costco. It doesn't like he's afraid he can't make you happy when he moans about having to take the kids to Costco. It doesn't feel feel like she craves your validation when she complains that you washed the baby's clothes with your jeans. It just feels like you are both overworked, underappreciated, and in need of a break. And you are. like she craves your validation when she complains that you washed the baby's clothes with your jeans. It just feels like you are both overworked, underappreciated, and in need of a break. And you are.

I Win!

H OW WO M E N F E E L.

A Special Word to the Opposition (Oops! We Mean Our Male Friends) Guys, we know what you're thinking (because our husbands have already said it to us): "How women feel about domestic c.r.a.p?

You must be joking. Could there possibly be a more boring topic that I could be less interested in?" Before you hurl this What's the Score?

67.book across the room and head for the couch, though, hear us out.

Are you sick of scorekeeping? Do you wish you had more free time? Do you want a little more credit for all the acts of domestic and professional heroism you perform week in and week out? We've got your side of the story covered in this chapter as well. The thing is, we've talked to hundreds of women. Many told us this issue is as important to them as s.e.x is to you. (We know you've already read that chapter first, so don't pretend you haven't.) So now it's your turn. Read on and try to understand how your wife feels about the division of labor. C'mon. Fair's fair.

Why Do Women Keep Score?

"Despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, I have not been able to answer . . . the great question that has never been answered: what does a woman want?"

-Sigmund Freud All Dr. Freud really needed to do was spend a day with a mother of two preschoolers and he would have had his answer: we want a partner, not a helper on the domestic front. We want the gender equality we were raised to expect in our marriages and our parenting. And, not to be too demanding or anything, but we'd also like a little more validation from our husbands to go along with it.

Oooh! This Nerve Is Raw: Expectations about Equality "We had our first kid and almost overnight I felt like I went from being an equal to being the lesser partner in my marriage."

-Becky, married 8 years, 3 kids 68."Why am I the only one in the house who knows where the pacifier, diaper wipes, and sippy cups are? Where the h.e.l.l has he been living for the last three years?"

-Rachel, married 6 years, 2 kids In the course of writing this chapter we realized women tend to keep score more than their husbands. There are two very good reasons for this: 1. We are blindsided. We are blindsided. No matter how much we love being Moms, it's difficult to reconcile the first thirty (or so) years of our lives, which we spend pursuing education, careers, travel, and all manner of personal and professional fulfillment, with the physical and emotional reality of domesticated motherhood. No matter how much we love being Moms, it's difficult to reconcile the first thirty (or so) years of our lives, which we spend pursuing education, careers, travel, and all manner of personal and professional fulfillment, with the physical and emotional reality of domesticated motherhood.

2. We wonder what happened to We wonder what happened to That Whole 50:50 Thing That Whole 50:50 Thing. We expect equality in our marriages, and are surprised and disappointed (to put it mildly) when, after the kids arrive, the domestic and childrearing responsibilities, for the most part, fall squarely on our plates, whether we work or not. We feel like our husbands pull a We expect equality in our marriages, and are surprised and disappointed (to put it mildly) when, after the kids arrive, the domestic and childrearing responsibilities, for the most part, fall squarely on our plates, whether we work or not. We feel like our husbands pull a Domestic Bait and Domestic Bait and Switch Switch.

Our experiences growing up in the swell of the feminist-minded '70s and '80s did not prepare us for what we encountered when we became mothers. Most of us grew up in homes where, even if we saw Mom doing most of the household stuff, we were encouraged to excel academically and succeed professionally. The message we got from home and from society was that we could do anything we set our minds to-in school, in sports, in the workforce, in family life. Few, if any, of us (and we say this as a statement of fact, rather than one of judgment) were raised to place much value on the role of housekeeper. While many of us looked forward to one day becoming mothers, we were often surprised to learn that the housedrudgery is inextricably linked to the babies. "Oh, you mean you have to cook for them and clean up after them, too? Well that sucks."

What's more, the playing field with boys was, for the most part, totally level. We viewed ourselves as equal to men from a very early age. As a second grader, Stacie gave a third-grade boy a fat lip when he told her boys were better than girls, and that they should have different rules for What's the Score?

69.flag football. Julia, at age nine, bought herself a T-s.h.i.+rt on a family trip to Was.h.i.+ngton D.C. that read, "A woman's place is in the House. And the Senate." Growing up, Cathy always asked for (and got) a biography of a trailblazing, force-to-be-reckoned-with type of woman in her Christmas stocking.

We'd spent our entire lives up to this point sharing basically the same experiences as men-in education and in seeking the challenge and reward of a profession. These experiences shaped our expectations about These experiences shaped our expectations about marriage and parenting marriage and parenting. When the three of us met our husbands and got married, we felt like their equals, and our husbands viewed us as such (we asked them again, just to be sure). They liked it that we were independent and opinionated. (Don't they now rue the day?) Our marriages did feel like equal partners.h.i.+ps. We had attained the ideal.

But when we became parents, somehow, the ideal of equality came unraveled. Aside from the few exceptions who've achieved the nirvana of co-parenting, most women we talked to were bitterly disappointed that the post-child division of labor was not more equal in their marriages, and that the increased volume of work was not more obvious to their husbands. Women don't understand why the sharing thing is not working out the way they thought it would.

The Working Mother: Having It All?

"I expected to have it all. I didn't expect to be doing it all."

-Debbie, married 8 years, 2 kids When a woman remains one half of a dual-income household after becoming a mother (which most do), she wonders why the parenting and housework "buck" stops with her. Most working mothers we spoke with feel, accurately or not, that they are the alpha parent and by default responsible for all things domestic. A far greater percentage of the work created by babies and preschoolers falls on their shoulders. They are ultimately responsible for the children's day-to-day needs-selecting day cares, making doctor's appointments, keeping the mental grocery list.

Working mothers feel that they have two full-time jobs: work and motherhood. The motherhood piece is often referred to as the "second 70 70 s.h.i.+ft." s.h.i.+ft! That's a euphemism. It's a round-the-clock, day-in-day-out job. Men, on the other hand, have one full-time job: work, and one part-time job: fatherhood. If the milk supply runs out at dinner, whose fault is it? Hers. She didn't notice it was running low, and she didn't stop at the store on her way home. To women that just seems patently unfair. When both spouses are working, why does the lion's share still lie with her?

Working mothers told us they feel enormously overburdened. Not only must they meet all of their professional and domestic responsibilities, they must also bear the weight of societal and their own personal expectations to "do it all" perfectly.

"If I leave work at 4:00 p.m. to go to a soccer game, people wonder if my desire to be with my kids is compromising my professional responsibilities. If my husband leaves work at 4:00 p.m., people say, 'Oh, what a great Dad.' "

-Holly, married 11 years, 3 kids "The expectations are so high. We are expected to outperform our fathers at work and outperform our mothers at home."

-Pam, married 3 years, 1 kid The Stay-at-Home Mother: Whiplash Our friend Janice echoed the despair of many formerly equal-status women turned stay-at-home moms when she said, "It's like his job is more important than my job. In a way, it's like all this stuff is beneath him now. It's 'woman's work' and he can't be bothered. I don't think he respects me anymore, and that makes me feel awful."

When a woman decides to stay home after becoming a mother, she often experiences Whiplash Whiplash-the sensation of hurtling back to the 1950s.

When her husband, her supposed equal, moans about having to help, or is constantly looking for the nearest escape hatch every weekend while she is up to her ears in kids and slimy, wet things, it feels like he is the one setting the dial and pus.h.i.+ng the b.u.t.ton on the time machine.

Most of us are shocked by the Whiplash phenomenon. It can feel like our lives have diverged completely from our husbands'. We may cherish the role of Mother, but we often do not cherish the "mind-numbing mo-What's the Score?

71.notony" of domestic minutiae. Women tell us that they start to feel their husbands take them for granted after they stay home.

"Sometimes I feel like a stay-at-home slave."

-Brandy, married 8 years, 2 kids All of this leads us to the following thought, which, guys, we hope we're making crystal clear: once we have kids, we are still equals, we are still still a team. a team. Women want a partner, not a helper Women want a partner, not a helper.

Your Fair Share Is Not a Favor "He feels like he is helping me, like he is doing me some huge favor. Doing his fair share does not mean he is helping me. It means he is doing his fair share."

-Abby, married 5 years, 3 kids "My friend Jim just told me he had to 'babysit' his kids this weekend while his wife is away. I told him, 'It's not babysitting when they're your own kids, Jim. That's called 'parenting.' "

-Carla, married 9 years, 2 kids Many men, whether or not they believe that much of the domestic stuff is their wife's domain, think that if they pitch in, they are doing her a favor.

Guys, what you see as a favor (and a points-scoring activity), we view as doing your fair share. This is "helper" behavior, not "partner" behavior.

When you want special credit for "helping out" with the day-to-day minutiae that is parenthood, it drives us mad because this expectation of credit tells us you believe the minutiae is technically not your job. It is, by default, our job, and any a.s.sistance you are providing is a special gift to us. Pardon us for not swooning at your graciousness. Some of us may stay home. And some of us may be more than happy to do most of the "stuff," but the inference that none of it falls in your court unless we put it there is just a big ol' fat burr under our saddles.

72.Men's Accountability, or Lack Thereof "My wife has the ultimate accountability for the kids, not me. It's as much her perception as it is mine. To me, that means I don't have to worry about something unless she tells me to do it."

-Ken, married 6 years, 3 kids Plenty of guys we've talked to complained that their wives micromanage their time. Absolutely a fair point, and we'll get to it in a minute, but maybe, just maybe, there are some legitimate reasons why we're "always after you about something"-reasons that are not about our own control-freakish, uber-mothering tendencies, but instead about the reality of domestic life, and what your actions (or, more accurately, lack thereof) imply about your att.i.tude toward that life.

"He doesn't do anything until I ask him to, then when I ask him to, he acts so put upon put upon, like I am imposing on him. I can't win."

-Elizabeth, married 4 years, 1 kid "What's up with the high drama? Recently, I had to finish up a big report for work, so I asked Evan to take the kids for the day on Sat.u.r.day, and of course we were low on diapers, so I would need him to make a quick stop at the store. You know what he said to me? 'Thanks for ruining my life.' "

-Sarah, married 7 years, 2 kids Did-Enough Dads "Why is it that whenever my husband changes a diaper, he just leaves it on the floor? He doesn't even roll it up and tape the ends together. If I'm gone for more than an hour, I fi nd a little trail of them when I come home. Follow the Yellow Brick Road!"

-Nina, married 8 years, 2 kids Guys are all about shortcuts. They're looking for the easy way out. A guy may do a job, but does he get the job done right? Kids are not bathed.

Vegetables are not eaten. Clothes are not clean. Teeth are not brushed.

Shortcuts drive women nuts because (a) we have to pick up where you What's the Score?

73.left off, which means more work for us, and (b) we always have to be "in charge" because you will not a.s.sume full responsibility.

Our friend Karen complains that her husband uses up all the Convenience Cards Convenience Cards (i.e., all the easy activities) when it's his turn to watch the kids: "They'll spend most of the morning watching TV, eat junk for lunch, and then, when he hands them back to me, they're hyped up on sugar, wearing dirty clothes, and begging for more (i.e., all the easy activities) when it's his turn to watch the kids: "They'll spend most of the morning watching TV, eat junk for lunch, and then, when he hands them back to me, they're hyped up on sugar, wearing dirty clothes, and begging for more Blue's Clues Blue's Clues."

Top Ten Convenience Cards That Our Husbands Use 1. TV 1. TV 2. DVDs 3. Skip baths and brus.h.i.+ng teeth, because, hey, there's always tomorrow.

4. Fast food 5. Fruit Roll-Ups count as fruit, right?

6. How about juice, doesn't that work?

7. The kids can just wear their PJs all day. We're not really going anywhere.

8. Do we really have to fix her hair? Can't it just be messy this one day?

9. My turn to watch the kids? Dial 1-800-Grandma.