Lit_ A Memoir Part 5

Flashdance

"So, Papa, are you feeling good now that you're in my hands?""No," Papa said, "I'm feeling bad."Then Semyon asked him, "And my brother Fyodor, when you were hacking him to pieces, did he feel good in your hands?""No," Papa said, "Fyodor was feeling bad."Then Semyon asked him, "And did you think, Papa, that someday you might be feeling bad?""No," Papa said, "I didn't think I might be feeling bad."-Isaac Babel, "The Church in Novgorod"

6.

Inheritance Tax Summer.

We picked on down the row, the woods getting closer and closer and closer and the secret shade, picking on into the secret shade with my sack and Lafe's sack. Because I said will I or wont I when the sack was half full because I said if the sack was full when we get to the woods it wont be me.... If the sack is full, I cannot help it.-William Faulkner, As I Lay Dying As I Lay Dying The young poet I'll wind up marrying tours my grad school for a week. Rumor has it, he'd been the star of genius Robert Lowell's last cla.s.s at Harvard. Drawn by his shy smile and decorous bearing, I right off start getting to the cafeteria early so as to slide my tray next to his and sit in the scent of detergent he gives off.

Afternoons, we walk through the woods to a sandy stretch of beach alongside a green river, and one day we find inner tubes impressed in the sand as if placed there by wood nymphs. Given the golden aura of ease Warren moves in, I figure this kind of c.r.a.p must happen to him all the time. His quiet formality counteracts the grungy, drunkenly proffered offers from pierced boys I've shrugged off in various punk bars of late-waiters and turnstile-jumping musicians.

Do you think it's okay if we borrow them?

The hot rubber is warm in my hand as he asks, for I'm greedily rolling what I instantly decided was my inner tube to the water's edge.

We'll bring them right back, I say, impressed to have met such a stand-up citizen.

The inner tubes plop into the green swirl, and we wade in behind. Arms and knees hanging over, we let the current take us. Occasionally, deliciously, my foot brushes his muscled calf, which makes me go all creamy in my center like a stuffed chocolate.

He seems vaguely stirred by my blue-collar credentials, that I paid my way through schools with all manner of unsavory tasks and now hold down community teaching jobs.

That night I call my sister to make my crush official.

Well, he's Ivy-educated, so he's not an idiot, she says. What does he look like?

Superman.

Her silence on the phone is pa.s.sive doubt.

I swear, like that actor. Very patrician-looking, cheekbones out to here, square jaw. Also those long dimples, very fetching-deep enough to hold a dime.

Is he short?

Six-five, I say.

Height-ours and our boyfriends'-is a running contest between Lecia and me. If I tell her good news about myself, she's liable to say, I'm five-nine I'm five-nine and hang up. and hang up.

You'll have to stand on a step to kiss him.

He rowed crew, I tell her. (Not really his sport.) Plus, he can recite more Shakespeare than anybody not paid to learn it.

Shakespeare meets Superman? He might as well walk out with his hands up.

A few nights before the residency ends, he asks where I'd like to have our first solo dinner, and I say-provocatively, I hope-Montreal.

I hope you don't mind chipping in on gas, he says.

Among young poets, this is standard, even on a date-is this a date? I gnaw my thumbnail.

Before we hit the freeway, Warren stops for an oil check, though his car-a recent graduation gift-still has the dealer's sticker on the rear window.

What's your dad do? I ask as Warren squeegees off the winds.h.i.+eld.

He's a lawyer, Warren says. I don't ask what kind of law because who knew there was more than one.

Buckled into the driver's seat, he adjusts the rearview with microscopic precision before even cranking the ignition-a care that opposes my haphazard plowing around in an uninspected Vega, its heater pumping out enough monoxide to give pa.s.sengers a metallic-tasting headache.

The mountain road hairpins under us, and the green valleys that open up in the windows can't stop my fixation on his regal profile. Trying to impress him, I quote a new translation from Swede Tomas Transtromer.

Warren counters with "Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness..." And watching his unkissed mouth shaping those plush syllables is the libidinal equivalent of a studly crooner mouthing a love song.

Wordsworth? I say.

Keats's "Ode to Autumn."

Dang, I say with a Gomer Pyle grin-my mask in grad school, where I'd posed as a redneck aborigine just to warn everybody up front how far behind I was before it blatted out like a fart. Once there, I started burrowing nightly into the library to look up references everybody else nodded in recognition over.

As a result, I've taken in a gnat's portion of American and European poetry, but our banter-Warren's and mine-includes his modestly correcting me on the English tradition. By the time we cross over into Quebec, I've scrawled a long list of books to wade through, impressed he can teach me so much. There's a low-slung fingernail of moon in the orange sky, and I pretend to interpret the local license plate slogan-Je me souviens, I remember-as I am a souvenir I am a souvenir.

He smiles. You're kidding, right?

Not even I am that primitive.

You're not at all primitive, he says.

Don't lie, I say. But I secretly hope to pa.s.s for a girl he maybe went to prep school with, though I could've impersonated a baboon closer.

In the restaurant, we give our names as Wally and Holly Stevens, a poet and his editor daughter. At a tiny candlelit table, I smell the red wine on Warren's breath. As he pa.s.ses over my menu, his hand touches mine, and the pulse in my chest grows so thunderous I fear he'll make it out. This has to be a date, dammit. When he starts to quote Yeats's famous love poem, When you are old and gray and full of sleep/And nodding by the fire take down this book When you are old and gray and full of sleep/And nodding by the fire take down this book...

I leap in to finish: And slowly read, and dream of the soft look Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep And slowly read, and dream of the soft look Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep...

And if there'd been a chaise longue nearby to land on, I might have stood up and swooned.

The night before I graduate, he shows up at a bar where I dance with him all night while my putative suitor buys our drinks. In the wee hours, Warren quotes the famous pastoral proposition poem, Come live with me and be my love Come live with me and be my love...The sixteenth-century version of Hubba, hubba, sweetcakes Hubba, hubba, sweetcakes. My heart's banging bongos. And four months later-after he's driven cross-country to see me several times-he asks me to move to Cambridge with him. Three years after that, we'll get engaged.

But before any of that, I have to meet the family, and boy am I eager, facing the task with a peasant girl's bouncy determination to wow people not overimpressed by much. The final miles Warren's tiny car putters, I hold a compact in one hand and a mascara wand in the other, globbing on lashes. (Little did I know my mother's advice-You can never wear too much mascara-is, in this company, deeply wrong.) We pa.s.s through wrought-iron gates, and I look up, wand in hand, to ask, Is this a subdivision?

This is my house, he says.

It's a testament to Warren's reticence that he's failed to mention the place is posh enough to sport a baronial-sounding name without seeming ridiculous: Fairweather Hall. There's a separate wing for the live-in staff, severely reduced now that the six children are gone. If I remember right, the gardener even grew up on the estate since his father had been Mr. Whitbread's valet in law school-sounding like a Chekhov serf to me.

After Warren parks, I gawk my way from the car, jaw unhinged, about to burst out with a ghetto G.o.dd.a.m.n G.o.dd.a.m.n.

Why didn't you tell me about all this? I ask.

Tell you about what? he wonders, completely sincere, for he's never less than sincere, which partly informs my devotion. I already know how Warren shrinks from show. When people ask where he went to college, he'll avoid dropping the H-bomb as long as possible, though I'd have tattooed it on my forehead.

That ivy-scribbled house has a fairy-tale quality, with gardens sprawled around it and long, vaulted windows you could drive a Buick through. Plus a door bigger than my daddy's ba.s.s boat, with a bronze knocker, even. The uniformed Irish maid waits outside to help us with our bags, which Warren refuses, partly because she's at least seventy and no taller than five feet.

They call her Kelley, though it's her last name, and I'll later find out she was deputized to take Warren trick-or-treating when he was a kid, with a sheet over her head and a bag for her own candy. Odd, I thought, my parents hadn't taken me around, either. (Though the Whitbreads' offhand parenting style was light-years from my family's, both Warren and I grew up yearning for a warmer home than where we'd started.) I don't have the sense not to hug whoever greets us, so I try to throw my arms around Kelley, and she flinches away, straightening her ap.r.o.n. Facing the big house, I'd like to say I'm neither wowed nor panicky, but I feel like a field hand called out of the cotton.

Would you like some tea? Kelley asks.

Yes, please, Warren says, closing the door.

The foyer, a crystal chandelier like a sparkly jungle gym hangs from the two-story ceiling. Two dogs waggle around us, which Warren pats and baby-talks to while I stare. Cloudily mirrored alcoves hold Chinese vases. The staircase curves grandly enough for his older sister to have descended for her debut into New York society on it. At some point, Warren gently uses his hand to close my jaw.

For something to say, I ask the dogs' names.

The mutt is Sammy, Kelley says, and this grand old man-she ruffles the ears of the golden retriever-is Tiger.

Tiger Three, Warren says. He explains that the death of Tiger One so traumatized the family twenty years back that his father kept buying new pups and stapling the old name on.

Tea comes in the formal library, Kelley lurching in under the weight of a silver tray. A dozen cookies circle a linen napkin, and following Warren's lead, I take a single measly cookie the size of a half dollar, eyeing the rest with the same appet.i.te that keeps Tiger panting openmouthed nearby. In that house, you have to practice not wanting.

The living room has about fourteen chintz couches and a fireplace big enough to roast a pig, plus polo trophies and embossed silver cigarette cases. Also a baby grand n.o.body's used since Warren left for prep school.

I ask where the TV goes in that vast s.p.a.ce, and he drags aside the drapes to reveal the portable set his dad infrequently rolls out for viewing golf. Warren tells me if his father poked his head in the living room and found Warren and his sister before the TV, he'd never fail to say, h.e.l.lo, idiots h.e.l.lo, idiots.

Which shocks me. In my house, personal freedom is all, amus.e.m.e.nt so hard won in that town that the right to scrabble for it is inalienable. Also in my house, cruelty was rarely so deliberate, more often the haphazard side effect of being s.h.i.+tfaced.

I plop down at the keyboard to play the only chord I know, but Warren mentions his mother naps after lunch. He sits next to me with a wry smile. In the car he'd told me how he'd chosen poetry over his family's penchant for law, partly to escape that preordered hamster wheel he was bred for. He's opting for a game only history can measure his success in. (He didn't mention how his father came home from Wall Street and read Homer in Greek and Virgil in Latin.) How clear Warren's green eyes are as he restates those to me n.o.ble convictions, and then he bends to kiss me with a mouth tasting of anise seed. Poetry will deliver him from his stultifying fate as it will me from my turbulent one. We're sealed in that unlikely covenant already, with the vast house spread out around us as the dogs circle, tags clanking.

Afterward, Warren leads me meandering through the scented rose garden and alongside the neat rows of vegetables. I think of Daddy's pride at tomatoes staked in paint buckets on the porch under the clothesline sagging with dishrags.

The tennis courts were razed for a huge pool. At the old stable-empty of horses-we feed carrots to the gray-muzzled donkeys. Once bought to keep the thoroughbreds calm, they're fat court jesters who've taken over the place now the royal family's died off. The family's history is linked to horses. In my hometown, they're used to cut cattle. As a kid, Warren and his sisters rode with their father before breakfast in the mornings. You had to make the high jump to get an extra serving of roast beef at dinner.

Crossing the wide pantry, I spy the saucer of cookies and ask, Your mother still upstairs?

Why are you whispering, sweetie? he asks, adding, Take another one if you like.

How can you only eat one cookie? I say, biting down on one, then thumbing the fallen crumbs off my lip.

My father's always on some diet he can't adhere to. It must've affected the rest of us, he says.

Evening finds us seated at the long glossy table, half the length of a bowling alley, where his parents sit at opposite ends-his father portly in a tweed jacket with patched elbows; his mother blond and thin as a greyhound, smiling.

Thank Mary for the Burgundy, Mrs. Whitbread says.

You brought this? Mr. Whitbread holds his gla.s.s up. (In fact, I'd called the old bar I used to tend to find out what to bring.) It's excellent. He takes a sip, adding, My own children think I'm rich enough to buy my own wine.

I could never find one you liked, Warren says.

Which prompts the first of many silences I'll sit through at that table. Silence rolls across us like a gray sea fog. Ice crystals form around our faces. Forks freeze in place. The salad plates are cleared. Warren sits straight enough to be lashed to a stake.

Kelley comes in hauling a ma.s.sive tray where two capons lie prissily on curlicues of kale. Mr. Whitbread rises to carve. I study the stiff painting over the ma.s.sive sideboard-Mr. Whitbread in full riding gear atop a horse. I feel a stab of tribal pride that in the cracker-box house I grew up in, Mother's blazing nudes a.s.sembled with swashbuckling brushstrokes show way more sensibility.

So, Warren, his father finally says, will you row this year?

Warren says, I'm not in college anymore.

I shoot my eyes to him, but he fails to meet my gaze. How, I wonder, if you pay tuition, is it possible not to know whether the kid's still in school?

Mr. Whitbread forks poultry slices onto a plate, and no one says anything till after Kelley settles it before me. He says, That's right. Nancy's at Harvard.

Nancy's getting ready for law school, Mrs. Whitbread says.

I'm working in the library, Warren says.

Right, his father says.

The Harvard library, his mother adds, wreathed in a smile I can't decipher. That stamp on Warren's job invokes the family's appet.i.te for excellence, how expected it is, demanded, devoured. It strikes me then how a house so large might feel like cramped quarters.

To their credit, they all read so much they seem to accept Warren's poem-making-he's just starting to publish in journals-as a worthy enterprise despite its fiscal impracticality. Still, they say little about it (and it's the not saying, I later learn, that matters).

Widener Library? his father asks.

Lamont, Warren says. There's a recorded poetry archive there.

He's remastering these great lost recordings, I say. He found one of Tennyson. And these amazing Nabokov lectures.

The arctic wind blows over us again, for my bragging has breached some protocol too delicate for me to understand yet. One does not brag; one does not need to. Mr. Whitbread pours me more wine, a sympathetic gesture that feels-no doubt unintentionally-like a pat on a dog's head.

Kelley comes in with a vat of asparagus she goes around dis.h.i.+ng out.

Mr. Whitbread keeps looking for one of the standard social connection points-to explain who the h.e.l.l I am, I guess-till Mrs. Whitbread mentions that I'm friends with the writer Geoffrey Wolff, whose memoir of his con-man father had made a splash the year before. One of the few writers of any stature I know, Geoffrey happens to be married to Warren's first cousin.

It's a frail link, and Geoffrey's being Jewish maybe undoes most of its value, but I try to capitalize on it, saying that he and his brother, Toby, taught at my grad school.

Mrs. Whitbread perks up. You went to Princeton? Our son-in-law went there.

Warren explains I hadn't gone to Princeton but to a hippie school that just went belly-up.

With that in the open, we fall to sawing our food. The cutlery weighs about a pound-a heft that sends some ineffable message.

And what are two young poets reading? Mr. Whitbread asks.

I babble on about the memoirs of Chilean poet Neruda, for ballast throwing in some pretentious French philosophy I've never so much as held in my hands.