Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor Volume I Part 16

So thousands of years have come and gone, And still the moon is s.h.i.+ning on, Still Hymen's torch is lighted; And hitherto, in this land of the West, Most couples in love have thought it best To follow the ancient way of the rest, And quietly get united.

But now, True Love, you're growing old-- Bought and sold, with silver and gold, Like a house, or a horse and carriage!

Midnight talks, Moonlight walks, The glance of the eye and sweetheart sigh, The shadowy haunts, with no one by, I do not wish to disparage; But every kiss Has a price for its bliss, In the modern code of marriage; And the compact sweet Is not complete Till the high contracting parties meet Before the altar of Mammon; And the bride must be led to a silver bower, Where pearls and rubies fall in a shower That would frighten Jupiter Ammon!

I need not tell How it befell, (Since Jenkins has told the story Over and over and over again, In a style I cannot hope to attain, And covered himself with glory!) How it befell, one summer's day, The king of the Cubans strolled this way-- King January's his name, they say-- And fell in love with the Princess May, The reigning belle of Manhattan; Nor how he began to smirk and sue, And dress as lovers who come to woo, Or as Max Maretzek and Jullien do, When they sit full-bloomed in the ladies' view, And flourish the wondrous baton.

He wasn't one of your Polish n.o.bles, Whose presence their country somehow troubles, And so our cities receive them; Nor one of your make-believe Spanish grandees, Who ply our daughters with lies and candies, Until the poor girls believe them.

No, he was no such charlatan-- Count de Hoboken Flash-in-the-pan, Full of gasconade and bravado-- But a regular, rich Don Rataplan, Santa Claus de la Muscovado, Senor Grandissimo Bastinado.

His was the rental of half Havana And all Matanzas; and Santa Anna, Rich as he was, could hardly hold A candle to light the mines of gold Our Cuban owned, choke-full of diggers; And broad plantations, that, in round figures, Were stocked with at least five thousand n.i.g.g.e.rs!

"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may!"

The Senor swore to carry the day, To capture the beautiful Princess May, With his battery of treasure; Velvet and lace she should not lack; Tiffany, Haughwout, Ball & Black, Genin and Stewart his suit should back, And come and go at her pleasure; Jet and lava--silver and gold---- Garnets--emeralds rare to behold---- Diamonds--sapphires--wealth untold---- All were hers, to have and to hold: Enough to fill a peck measure!

He didn't bring all his forces on At once, but like a crafty old Don, Who many a heart had fought and won, Kept bidding a little higher; And every time he made his bid, And what she said, and all they did---- 'Twas written down, For the good of the town, By Jeems, of _The Daily Flyer_.

A coach and horses, you'd think, would buy For the Don an easy victory; But slowly our Princess yielded.

A diamond necklace caught her eye, But a wreath of pearls first made her sigh.

She knew the worth of each maiden glance, And, like young colts, that curvet and prance, She led the Don a deuce of a dance, In spite of the wealth he wielded.

She stood such a fire of silks and laces, Jewels and gold dressing-cases, And ruby brooches, and jets and pearls, That every one of her dainty curls Brought the price of a hundred common girls; Folks thought the la.s.s demented!

But at last a wonderful diamond ring, An infant Kohinoor, did the thing, And, sighing with love, or something the same, (What's in a name?) The Princess May consented.

Ring! ring the bells, and bring The people to see the marrying!

Let the gaunt and hungry and ragged poor Throng round the great cathedral door, To wonder what all the hubbub's for, And sometimes stupidly wonder At so much suns.h.i.+ne and brightness which Fall from the church upon the rich, While the poor get all the thunder.

Ring, ring! merry bells, ring!

O fortunate few, With letters blue, Good for a seat and a nearer view!

Fortunate few, whom I dare not name; _Dilettanti! Creme de la creme!_ We commoners stood by the street facade, And caught a glimpse of the cavalcade.

We saw the bride In diamond pride, With jeweled maidens to guard her side---- Six l.u.s.trous maidens in tarletan.

She led the van of the caravan; Close behind her, her mother (Dressed in gorgeous _moire antique_, That told as plainly as words could speak, She was more antique than the other) Leaned on the arm of Don Rataplan Santa Claus de la Muscovado Senor Grandissimo Bastinado.

Happy mortal! fortunate man!

And Marquis of El Dorado!

In they swept, all riches and grace, Silks and satins, jewels and lace; In they swept from the dazzled sun, And soon in the church the deed was done.

Three prelates stood on the chancel high: A knot that gold and silver can buy, Gold and silver may yet untie, Unless it is tightly fastened; What's worth doing at all's worth doing well, And the sale of a young Manhattan belle Is not to be pushed or hastened; So two Very-Reverends graced the scene, And the tall Archbishop stood between, By prayer and fasting chastened.

The Pope himself would have come from Rome, But Garibaldi kept him at home.

Haply these robed prelates thought Their words were the power that tied the knot; But another power that love-knot tied, And I saw the chain round the neck of the bride---- A glistening, priceless, marvelous chain, Coiled with diamonds again and again, As befits a diamond wedding; Yet still 'twas a chain, and I thought she knew it, And halfway longed for the will to undo it, By the secret tears she was shedding.

But isn't it odd to think, whenever We all go through that terrible River---- Whose sluggish tide alone can sever (The Archbishop says) the Church decree, By floating one in to Eternity And leaving the other alive as ever---- As each wades through that ghastly stream, The satins that rustle and gems that gleam, Will grow pale and heavy, and sink away To the noisome River's bottom-clay!

Then the costly bride and her maidens six Will s.h.i.+ver upon the bank of the Styx, Quite as helpless as they were born---- Naked souls, and very forlorn; The Princess, then, must s.h.i.+ft for herself, And lay her royalty on the shelf; She, and the beautiful Empress, yonder, Whose robes are now the wide world's wonder, And even ourselves, and our dear little wives, Who calico wear each morn of their lives, And the sewing-girls, and _les chiffonniers_, In rags and hunger--a gaunt array---- And all the grooms of the caravan---- Ay, even the great Don Rataplan Santa Claus de la Muscovado Senor Grandissimo Bastinado---- That gold-encrusted, fortunate man---- All will land in naked equality: The lord of a ribboned princ.i.p.ality Will mourn the loss of his _cordon_; Nothing to eat and nothing to wear Will certainly be the fas.h.i.+on there!

Ten to one, and I'll go it alone; Those most used to a rag and bone, Though here on earth they labor and groan, Will stand it best, as they wade abreast To the other side of Jordan.

When Grant's army crossed the Rappahannock Lee's veterans felt sure of sending it back as "tattered and torn" as ever it had been under the new general's numerous predecessors. After the crossing, the first prisoners caught by Mosby were asked many questions by curious Confederates.

"What has become of your pontoon train?" said one such inquirer.

"We haven't got any," answered the prisoner.

"How do you expect to get over the river when you go back?"

"Oh," said the Yankee, "we are not going back. Grant says that all the men he sends back can cross on a log."

JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL

WHAT MR. ROBINSON THINKS

Guvener B. is a sensible man; He stays to his home an' looks arter his folks; He draws his furrer ez straight ez he can, An' into n.o.body's tater-patch pokes; But John P.

Robinson he Sez he wun't vote fer Guvener B.

My! ain't it terrible? Wut shall we du?

We can't never choose him o' course--thet's flat; Guess we shall hev to come round (don't you?) An' go in fer thunder an' guns, an' all that; Fer John P.

Robinson he Sez he wun't vote for Guvener B.

Gineral C. is a dreffle smart man: He's ben on all sides thet give places or pelf; But consistency still wuz a part of his plan---- He's ben true to _one_ party--an' thet is himself; So John P.

Robinson he Sez he shall vote for Gineral C.

Gineral C. he goes in fer the war; He don't vally principle more'n an old cud; Wut did G.o.d make us raytional creeturs fer, But glory an' gunpowder, plunder an' blood?

So John P.

Robinson he Sez he shall vote fer Gineral C.

We were gittin' on nicely up here to our village, With good old idees o' wut's right an' wut ain't, We kind o' thought Christ went agin war an pillage, An' thet eppyletts worn't the best mark of a saint; But John P.

Robinson he Sez this kind o' thing's an exploded idee.

The side of our country must ollers be took, An' President Polk, you know, _he_ is our country.

An' the angel thet writes all our sins in a book Puts the _debit_ to him, an' to us the _per contry_; An' John P.

Robinson he Sez this is his view o' the things to a T.

Parson Wilbur he calls all these argimunts lies; Sez they're nothin' on airth but jest _fee, faw, fum_: An' thet all this big talk of our destinies Is half on it ign'ance an' t'other half rum; But John P.

Robinson he Sez it ain't no sech thing; an', of course, so must we.

Parson Wilbur sez _he_ never heerd in his life Thet th' Apostles rigged out in their swaller-tail coats, An' marched round in front of a drum an' a fife, To git some on 'em office, and some on 'em votes; But John P.

Robinson he Sez they didn't know everythin' down in Judee.

Wal, it's a marcy we've gut folks to tell us The rights an' the wrongs o' these matters, I vow---- G.o.d sends country lawyers, an' other wise fellers, To start the world's team w'en it gits in a slough; Fer John P.

Robinson he Sez the world'll go right, ef he hollers out Gee!

_Old Gentleman_ (to driver of street-car): "My friend, what do you do with your wages every week--put part of it in the savings bank?"

_Driver:_ "No, sir. After payin' the butcher an' grocer an' rent, I pack away what's left in barrels. I'm 'fraid of them savin's banks."