Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor Volume II Part 3

"Laws of a.s.sociation,"

And calls my tale "absurd."

Perhaps it is, but never, Say I, should we dissever Old places and old names; Guard the old landmarks truly, On the old altars duly Keep bright the ancient flames.

For me the face of Nature, No luckless nomenclature Of grace or beauty robs; No, when of town I weary, I'll make a strike in Erie, And buy a place at DOBBS!

--_Poems._

JOHN WILLIAM DE FOREST.

(BORN, 1826.)

FATHER HIGGINS'S PREFERMENT.

Father Higgins was not the kind of divine who easily finds preferment in the Catholic Church, or who would be apt to make a s.h.i.+ning mark in any other.

Fat and red-faced and pudding-headed was Father Higgins; uncommonly in the way of good eating, and now and then disposed for good drinking; as lazy as he dared be, ignorant enough for a hermit, and simple enough for a monk. His chief excellence lay in his kindliness of heart, which would doubtless have made him very serviceable and comfortable to his fellow-men, had it not been for his indolence, his spare intellectual gifts, and perhaps a little leaven of selfishness.

Such as he was, however, Father Higgins had no small "consate" of himself, and sometimes thought that even a bishopric would not be "beyant his desarts." He pleased himself with imagining how finely he would fill an episcopal chair, what apostolic labors he would accomplish in his diocese, what swarms of heretics or pagans he would convert, what a self-sacrificing and heroic life he would lead, and what a saintly name he would leave. One day, or to speak with a precision worthy of this true history, one evening, he became a bishop.

It happened on this wise. Father Higgins had ventured to treat himself to a spectacle. He had attended, for the first time in his life, an exhibition of legerdemain; this one being given by that celebrated master of the black-art, Professor h.e.l.ler. He had seen the professor change turnips into gold watches, draw a dozen live pigeons in succession out of an empty box, send rings into ladies' handkerchiefs at the other end of the hall, catch a bullet out of an exploded pistol in his hand, and perform other marvels equally irrational and disturbing.

From this raree-show Father Higgins had gone home feeling that he had witnessed something about as unearthly as he was likely to be confronted with in the next world.

For an hour or more he sat in his elbow-chair, puzzling over the professor's "diviltries," and crossing himself at the remembrance of each one of them. It was black midnight, and stormy at that; there was such an uproar in the elm branches over his house as if all the Salem witches were holding Sabbath there; the whole village of Sableburg swarmed with windy rus.h.i.+ngs and shriekings and slammings. It was one of those midnights when the devil evidently "has business on his hand."

Of a sudden there was a rustle in the room, and looking around to discover the cause of it, Father Higgins beheld a tall and dark man with startling black eyes, in whom he recognized Professor h.e.l.ler.

"What's yer will, sir?" demanded the Father, a good deal astonished, but not a bit frightened.

"I understand, sir, that you would like to be a bishop," replied the professor, bowing politely, but seating himself unceremoniously.

"That's thrue enough, sir," replied Father Higgins, who somehow felt curiously at his ease, and disposed at once to be confidential with this utter stranger. "I've often imagined meself a bishop, an' doin' wondhers in me office. But it's nonsinse."

"What post would suit you?" inquired the visitor. "The diocese of New York?"

"No, no," said the father. "I'm not ayqual to sich a risponsebility; that is, not at wanst, ye ondherstand. I'd like best to come up to sich a place as that gintly an' by degrays. It's been a drame av mine to begin my prefarmint as bis.h.i.+p av some far-away continent or archypilago, like, an' convart slathers av haythins an' cannebals for a practice. It ud plase me imagenation to prache among corrils an' c.o.ky-nuts an' naked crachurs. Y' are aware, I suppose, Misther h.e.l.ler--or Professor h.e.l.ler--av sich islands as Owyhee an' the Marquesas, famous a'ready in the history av the Propaganda Fide. Jist suppose me havin' me episkepal raysedence on wan av 'um, an' makin' me progresses to the others. There be great devos.h.i.+n to a spiritual father among thim simple people, I'm thinkin.' I'd be a G.o.d to 'um, like. Sich obeyjince ud jist shuit me.

Yes, I'd enj'y bein' Bis.h.i.+p av the Cannebal Islands, or even av wan av um."

"Faith is necessary," replied h.e.l.ler. "You must believe that you are to be Bishop of the Cannibal Islands."

"Sure an' it's not aisy at this distance to belave in the islands thimselves, let alone bein' spiritual father av the same," smiled the priest. "Howandiver, there's no harrum in tryin' to belave, an' so here goes for the exparimint. If ye'll kape silence a bit, I'll jist collect me moind on the subject, an' we'll see what happens."

For a moment the gray, piggish eyes of the Father, and the black, gleaming, mysterious...o...b.. of his visitor were fixed upon each other. In the next moment h.e.l.ler, bowing with a ceremonious air of respect, inquired, "What are your commands, my lord bishop?"

Startled by a consciousness of some wonderful change, doubtful in what land he was, or even in what age of the world, Father Higgins stared about him in expectation. A sunny sh.o.r.e, scattered groves of cocoa-nut trees, distant villages of circular huts, beyond them far-stretching forests and a smoking volcano; on the hither side bays alive with carved and painted canoes, near at hand a gathering crowd of half-naked savages--such were the objects that filled his vision.

"So this is me diocese," he said, without feeling the least surprise.

"Well, the climate is deloightful. Let us hope that the c.o.ky-nuts will agree wid us, an' that the natives won't urge upon us the blissins av martyrdom. Professor, what may be the spiritual condition av things hereaway, do ye think?"

"A clear field--not a convert yet. Your predecessor, who went through the office of being eaten a year ago, had not even learned the language."

"The blissid saints watch over us! To hear the likes av that, whin I expected to be a G.o.d, like, among these wretches! Well, it's our duty we must do, h.e.l.ler; we mustn't run away from our post; indade, we can't.

Moreover, I feel a sthrong confidence that the howly Catholic Church is to be greatly glorified by me on these islands. What do ye say now to meself exhibitin' the gift av miracles an' tongues? If I should discoorse to these cannebals in their own contimptible language, would it surprise ye, h.e.l.ler?"

"No," smiled the professor. "I have seen greater marvels in my time. I have seen men preach not merely words, but feelings and faiths, that they were ignorant of."

Father Higgins, closely followed by h.e.l.ler, now advanced to a green hillock, a few rods from the sh.e.l.ly and pebbly beach, knelt down upon the thin sward, and repeated a prayer. Meantime the population gathered; behind them canoe after canoe touched the sh.o.r.e; before them there was a swift, tumultuous hurrying from the villages; presently they were surrounded by a compact, eager, barbaric mult.i.tude. The babble of its wonder turned to silence as the priest rose, extended his fat hands, and commenced a sermon.

Father Higgins was not a bit astonished at hearing himself pour forth a torrent of words which he did not understand, nor at seeing in the faces of his wild listeners that they perfectly comprehended his discourse. It was merely a supernatural inspiration; it was but another exhibition of the heavenly gifts of the Church; he was as much at his ease as if he had been in the habit of working miracles from his cradle. At the close of his harangue he took out his breviary, and translated a prayer into the unknown tongue. Evidently the auditors understood this also, for while some crouched to earth in undisguisable terror, others looked upward as if expecting an answer from the sky.

Presently a savage, in a many-colored robe of feathers, stepped in front of the mult.i.tude, and uttered a few sentences.

"It's a mighty quare providence that this miracle works ownly wan way,"

observed Father Higgins to h.e.l.ler. "It's meself can prache acceptably to this poor haythin, an' it's meself, loikewise, can't sense a blissid word he gabbles."

"He is comparing you with your predecessor," exclaimed the professor.

"He says the other man called himself a messenger from G.o.d; but as he could not talk Feejee, they saw that he was a liar, because G.o.d knows every language; and so, having found him a liar, they fattened him with fish and cocoa-nuts, and ate him. As for you, they admit that you are a heavenly personage, and they mean to wors.h.i.+p you."

"How came ye to larn the language, annyway?" demanded the priest.

"I have wandered to and fro in the earth a good deal," replied h.e.l.ler.

"I have performed some of my best black-art in these islands."

Father Higgins, rather bothered by these statements, was about to ask further questions, when he was seized by four st.u.r.dy natives, who mounted him upon their naked shoulders, while four others uplifted the professor in like manner, all then setting off rapidly toward the village, followed by the whole crowd in procession.

"An' what if I should tell ye I had conscientious scruples agenst lettin' meself be adored for a heavenly personage?" objected the good Father.

"Don't think of it," counselled h.e.l.ler. "Being wors.h.i.+pped is infinitely more agreeable than being eaten. Besides, consider the interests of the Church. If you are set up as a G.o.d, you can use the position to sprinkle holy water on your adorers, and so convert the whole island without trouble."

"Sure y' are mighty well va.r.s.ed in the precepts and customs av the Jesuit Fathers," answered the priest, with a stare of wonder and admiration. "I moind me now that the missionaries in Chaynee baptized las.h.i.+ns av haythin babies under pretinse av rubbin' um with medicine.

An' it's a maxim that whin the ind is salvatory, the manes are justified. It's a maxim, also, that y' ave no business to lead yer felly-crachurs into sin. Now cannebalism is a sin; it ud be a sin capital for these fellies to ate us; an', av coorse, it follies that it ud be a sin in me to timpt um to do it. But, by sufferin' meself to be wors.h.i.+pped I prevint that same. So, I advise an' counsel, h.e.l.ler, that we go on as we are for a bit longer, until a proper time comes to expose the whole av the thrue faith."

Beguiling the way with such like discourse, Father Higgins journeyed on to the nearest village, where his bearers halted before an unusually large hut, evidently serving as a temple. In the door of this building the princ.i.p.al chief took post, and waving his hand toward the crowd, made the following speech:

"Hear, O chiefs! hear, O priests of our religion ye men of Feejee, hear!

The G.o.d who can come over the waters is greater than the G.o.d who can only abide upon the land, and shall have his house and his sacrifices.

Whosoever disapproves of this, let him offer himself for the trial of the sacred poison; if he is not ready so to do, let him hereafter hold his peace and submit."

No one objecting, the chief beckoned the bearers to follow him, and led the way into the temple. Mounting a platform eight or ten feet high, he advanced to an ugly scarecrow of an idol, slapped it, kicked it, and toppled it to the ground. Then, with vast labor and much joyful shouting, the ponderous form of Father Higgins was hoisted aloft, and installed in the seat of the dethroned deity. Next Professor h.e.l.ler was set down upon his feet beside an altar which stood in front of the platform.

"What are ye afther doin', h.e.l.ler?" inquired the clergyman from his eminence.

"I am about to sacrifice to your divinity two green cocoa-nuts, two roasted bread-fruit, and half a dozen fishes," was the answer.