The Handy Cyclopedia of Things Worth Knowing Part 31

When is a man over head and ears in debt? When the hat he has on is not paid for.

Why is a man led astray like one governed by a girl? He is misled (miss-led).

Why is a Jew in a fever like a diamond? He is a Jew ill (jewel).

Why are fixed stars like pen, ink and paper? They are stationary (stationery).

What is that which is always invisible and never out of sight? The letter I.

Why is a cook like a barber? He dresses hare (hair).

Why is a waiter like a race horse? He often runs for a plate or a cup.

Why is a madman like two men? He is one beside himself.

Why is a good story like a church bell? It is often told (tolled).

What is the weight of the moon? Four quarters.

What sea would make the best bed-room? Adriatic (a-dry attic).

Why is Ireland likely to become rich? Because the capital is always Dublin (doubling).

What two letters make a county in Ma.s.sachusetts? S. X. (Ess.e.x).

Why is a good saloon like a bad one? Both inn convenient

Why do dentists make good politicians? Because they have a great pull.

Why is the Hudson River like a shoe? Because it is a great place for tows (toes).

Why is a race at a circus like a big conflagration? Because the heat is in tents (intense).

Which is the left side of a plum pudding? The part that is not eaten.

Why is a man who runs in debt like a clock? He goes on tick.

Why is the wick of a candle like Athens? It is in the midst of grease (Greece).

Why are deep sighs like long stockings? Heigh-ho's (high hose).

What occupation is the sun? A tanner.

Why are your eyes like stage horses? They are always under lashes.

Why are your teeth like verbs? Regular, irregular and defective?

What word makes you sick if you leave out one of its letters? Music.

What word of ten letters can be spelled with five? Expediency (X P D N C).

Why should red-headed men be chosen for soldiers? They carry fire-locks.

Why is the letter D like a sailor? It follows the sea (C).

Why is a theological student like a merchant? Both study the Prophets (profits).

If the alphabet were invited out to dine what time would U, V, W, X, Y and Z go? After tea (T).

How can you take one from nineteen and leave twenty? XIX--XX

LAST WORDS OF FAMOUS MEN AND WOMEN.

"'Tis well."--George Was.h.i.+ngton.

"Tete d'armee."--Napoleon.

"I thank G.o.d that I have done my duty."--Admiral Nelson.

"I pray thee see me safe up, but for my coming down I can s.h.i.+ft for myself," were the last words of Sir Thomas More when ascending the scaffold.

"G.o.d bless you."--Dr. Johnson.

"I have finished."--Hogarth.

"Dying, dying."--Thos. Hood.

"Drop the curtain, the farce is played out."--Rabelais.

"I am what I am. I am what I am."--Swift.

"I still live."--Daniel Webster.

"How grand these rays. They seem to beckon earth to heaven."--Humboldt.

"It is now time that we depart--I to die, you to live: but which is the better destination is unknown."--Socrates.

"Adieu, my dear Morand, I am dying."--Voltaire.

"My beautiful flowers, my lovely flowers."--Richter.

"James, take good care of the horse."--Winfield Scott.

"Many things are becoming clearer to me."--Schiller.