Ever Heard This? Part 15

A MODERN ALFRED

A woman gave her little child a cloth to warm while she was otherwise busied. The child held it to the fire, but so near that it changed colour presently, and began to look like tinder; upon which the child called to its mother, "Mamma, is it done enough when it looks brown?"

CHARITY ON CREDIT

A certain rich laird in Fife, whose weekly contribution to the church collection never exceeded one penny, one day, by mistake, dropped into the plate at the door a five-s.h.i.+lling piece; but discovering his error before he was seated in his pew, hurried back, and was about to replace the coin by his customary penny, when the elder in attendance cried out, "Stop, laird, ye may put in what ye like, but ye maun take naething out!" The laird, finding his explanations went for nothing, at last said, "A weel, I suppose I'll get credit for it in heaven." "Na, na, laird," said the elder, "ye'll only get credit for the penny."

COURTING BY LAMPLIGHT

The carter was going out with a lantern one evening, when he met the farmer who employed him; he was asked where he was going. "Courting,"

was the reply. The farmer replied, "You don't want a lantern to go courting with. When I went courting I never took a lantern." "I can quite believe you," said the man, "when I look at your missus!"

THE INQUISITIVE ONLOOKER

An old gentleman was observed earnestly looking on the sands, evidently for some object he had lost.

An inquisitive onlooker asked, "Have you lost something?" "Yes," was the reply.

Not quite satisfied, the inquisitive one said, "Is it anything important?" "Yes," again came the answer, "I have lost my toffee."

"But, surely, the toffee would be useless if you found it, as it would be full of sand." "But my teeth are in it," was the prompt reply.

THE EMPTY BOTTLE

In a dark room in an Irish cabin Biddy was searching for the whisky bottle, when her husband enquired, "What is't yer lookin' for?"

"Nuthin', Pat," answered Biddy. "Sure," replied the husband, "you'll find it in the bottle where the whisky was."

H2O

The elementary cla.s.s was being instructed in chemistry, and the master, after several lessons, asked: "What is water?" One very young but bright pupil promptly replied: "A colourless fluid that turns black when you wash your hands."

AN ACCIDENT

Two Irish porters meeting at Dublin, one addressed the other with, "Och, Thady my jewel, is it you? Are you just come from England? Pray did you see anything of our old friend Pat Murphy?" "The devil a sight," he replied, "and what's worse I'm afraid I never shall." "How so?" "Why he met with a very unfortunate accident lately." "Amazing! What was it?" "Oh, indeed nothing more than this; he was standing on a plank talking devoutly to a priest, at a place in London which I think they call Brixton, when the plank suddenly gave way, and poor Murphy got his neck broke."

TOUCH HIM UP

Mackintosh was once taking Parr for a drive when the horse became restive and the scholar became nervous. "Gently, Jemmy," said Parr, "don't irritate him; always soothe your horse, Jemmy. You'll do better without me. Let me down, Jemmy." The horse was stopped enough for the purpose, and no sooner had Parr safely descended than his advice changed. "Now, Jemmy, touch him up. Never let a horse get the better of you. Touch him up, conquer him, don't spare him. And now I'll leave you to manage him--I'll walk home."

A SMART BOY

A boy of only nine years old was asked many questions by a bishop, and gave very prompt answers to them all. At length the prelate said, "I will give you an orange if you will tell me where G.o.d is." "My Lord,"

replied the boy, "I will give you two if you will tell me where He is not."

WEARING ROUGE

There was a certain Bishop of Amiens who was a saint and yet had a good deal of wit. A lady went to consult him whether she might wear rouge; she had been with several directeurs, but some were so severe, and some so relaxed, that she could not satisfy her conscience, and therefore was come to Monseigneur to decide for her, and would rest by his sentence.

"I see, Madam," said the good prelate, "what the case is: some of your casuists forbid rouge totally; others will permit you to wear as much as you please. Now, for my part, I love a medium in all things, and therefore I permit you to wear rouge on one cheek only."

THE POOR LANDLORD

Father Healy was talking to a friend in the street when a youth came up begging alms; having received a penny he scampered off, revealing in his retreat a very tattered apparel. "That is a nice cut of an Irish landlord," said the priest. "How so?" asked the friend, "Because he has rents in a rear."

THE DAY OF REST