Ever Heard This? Part 29

THE BETTER WAY

A loin of mutton was on a table, and the gentleman opposite to it took the carving knife in hand. "Shall I cut it _saddlewise_?" he asked.

"You had better cut it _bridlewise_," replied the master of the house, "for then we shall all stand a better chance to get a bit in our mouths."

A GOOD REASON

"Janet, I think you hardly behave very respectfully to your own minister in one respect," said the minister of a Scottish church to an inattentive member of his congregation.

"Me, sir," exclaimed Janet, "I wad like to see ony man, no to say ony woman, but yoursel say that o' me! what can you mean, sir?"

"Well, Janet, ye ken when I preach, you're almost always fast asleep before I've well given out my text; but when any of these young men from other parishes preach for me, I see you never sleep a wink. Now, that's what I call no using me as you should do."

"Hoot, sir," was the reply, "is that a'? I'll sune tell you the reason of that. When you preach we a' ken the word of G.o.d's safe in your hands; but when these young birkies tak' it in haun, my certie, but it tak's us a' to look after them."

A NEW TEXT

A man having been to church and slept through the greater part of the service was asked by his wife on reaching home what text had been used for the sermon. The husband, confused at the question and unwilling to show his ignorance stuttered out, "What profiteth it a man if he lose the whole world and gain his own soul."

AN AUCTION

Among the conditions of sale by an Irish auctioneer was the following: "The highest bidder to be the buyer, unless some gentleman bids more."

A REAL SPORT

A man went out rabbit-shooting, but could not get any sport. "So," said he, "I lay down where they could not see me, and made a noise like a turnip."

THE SCOTCHMAN'S SOUVENIR

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotchman who had been on holidays were comparing the souvenirs they had collected. The Englishman had a bust of Shakespeare from Stratford-on-Avon, the Irishman a matchbox of bog oak. "Oh," said the Scotchman, "you can't beat this," and he produced a tea-spoon marked "L.&N.W.R."