The Humorous Poetry of the English Language; from Chaucer to Saxe Part 32

The parson most devoutly prayed-- The powers of prayer were soon displayed; Immediately a TORRENT drenched the plain.

It chanced that the church warden, Robin Jay, Had of his meadow not yet SAVED the hay: Thus was his hay to HEALTH quite past restoring.

It happened too that Robin was from home; But when he heard the story, in a foam He sought the parson, like a lion roaring.

"Zounds! Parson Lamb, why, what have you been doing!

A pretty storm, indeed, ye have been brewing!

What! pray for RAIN before I SAVED my hay!

Oh! you re a cruel and ungrateful man!

_I_ that forever help you all I can; Ask you to dine with me and Mistress Jay, Whenever we have something on the spit, Or in the pot a nice and dainty bit;

"Send you a goose, a pair of chicken, Whose bones you are so fond of picking; And often too a cag of brandy!

YOU that were welcome to a treat, To smoke and chat, and drink and eat; Making my house so very handy!

"YOU, parson, serve one such a scurvy trick!

Zounds! you must have the bowels of Old Nick.

What! bring the flood of Noah from the skies, With MY fine field of hay before your eyes!

A numskull, that I wer'n't of this aware.-- Curse me but I had stopped your pretty prayer!"

"Dear Mister Jay!" quoth Lamb, "alas! alas!

I never thought upon your field of gra.s.s."

"Lord! parson, you're a fool, one might suppose-- Was not the field just underneath your NOSE?

This is a very pretty losing job!"-- "Sir," quoth the curate, "know that Harry Cobb Your brother warden joined, to have the prayer,"-- "Cobb! Cobb! why this for Cobb was only SPORT: What doth Cobb own that any rain can HURT?"

Roared furious Jay as broad as he could stare.

"The fellow owns, as far as I can LARN, A few old houses only, and a barn; As that's the case, zounds! what are showers to HIM?

Not Noah's flood could make HIS trumpery SWIM.

"Besides--why could you not for drizzle pray?

Why force it down in BUCKETS on the hay?

Would _I_ have played with YOUR hay such a freak?

No! I'd have stopped the weather for a week."

"Dear Mister Jay, I do protest, I acted solely for the best; I do affirm it, Mister Jay, indeed.

Your anger for this ONCE restrain, I'll never bring a drop again Till you and all the parish are AGREED."

APOLOGY FOR KINGS PETER PINDAR

As want of candor really is not right, I own my satire too inclined to bite: On kings behold it breakfast, dine, and sup-- Now shall she praise, and try to make it up.

Why will the simple world expect wise things From lofty folk, particularly kings?

Look on their poverty of education!

Adored and flattered, taught that they are G.o.ds, And by their awful frowns and nods, Jove-like, to shake the pillars of creation!

They scorn that little useful imp called mind, Who fits them for the circle of mankind!

Pride their companion, and the world their hate; Immured, they doze in ignorance and state.

Sometimes, indeed, great kings will condescend A little with their subjects to unbend!

An instance take:--A king of this great land, In days of yore, we understand, Did visit Salisbury's old church so fair: An Earl of Pembroke was the Monarch's guide; Incog. they traveled, shuffling side by side; And into the cathedral stole the pair.

The verger met them in his blue silk gown, And humbly bowed his neck with reverence down, Low as an a.s.s to lick a lock of hay: Looking the frightened verger through and through, And with his eye-gla.s.s--"Well, sir, who are you?

What, what, sir?--hey, sir?" deigned the king to say.

"I am the verger here, most mighty king: In this cathedral I do every thing; Sweep it, an't please ye, sir, and keep it clean."

"Hey? verger! verger!--you the verger?--hey?"

"Yes, please your glorious majesty, I BE,"

The verger answered, with the mildest mien.

Then turned the king about toward the peer, And winked, and laughed, then whispered in his ear, "Hey, hey--what, what--fine fellow, 'pon my word: I'll knight him, knight him, knight him--hey, my lord?"

[It is a satire-royal: and if any thing were yet wanting to convince us that Master Pindar is no turncoat, here is proof sufficient.]

Then with his gla.s.s, as hard as eye could strain, He kenned the trembling verger o'er again.

"He's a poor verger, sire," his lords.h.i.+p cried: "Sixpence would handsomely requite him."

"Poor verger, verger, hey?" the king replied: "No, no, then, we won't knight him--no, won't knight him."

Now to the lofty roof the king did raise His gla.s.s, and skipped it o'er with sounds of praise!

For thus his marveling majesty did speak: "Fine roof this, Master Verger, quite complete; High--high and lofty too, and clean, and neat: What, verger, what? MOP, MOP it once a week?"

"An't please your majesty," with marveling chops, The verger answered, "we have got no mops In Salisbury that will reach so high."

"Not mop, no, no, not mop it," quoth the king-- "No, sir, our Salisbury mops do no such thing; They might as well pretend to scrub the sky."

MORAL.

This little anecdote doth plainly show That ignorance, a king too often lurches; For, hid from art, Lord! how should monarchs know The natural history of mops and churches?

[Ill.u.s.tration with caption: BYRON.]

STORY THE SECOND.

From Salisbury church to Wilton House, so grand, Returned the mighty ruler of the land-- "My lord, you've got fine statues," said the king.

"A few! beneath your royal notice, sir,"

Replied Lord Pembroke--"Sir, my lord, stir, stir; Let's see them all, all, all, all, every thing,

"Who's this? who's this?--who's this fine fellow here?

"Sesostris," bowing low, replied the peer.

"Sir Sostris, hey?--Sir Sostris?--'pon my word!

Knight or a baronet, my lord?

One of my making?--what, my lord, my making?"

This, with a vengeance, was mistaking?

"SE-sostris, sire," so soft, the peer replied-- "A famous king of Egypt, sir, of old."

"Oh, poh!" th' instructed monarch snappish cried, "I need not that--I need not that be told."

"Pray, pray, my lord, who's that big fellow there?"