The Humorous Poetry of the English Language; from Chaucer to Saxe Part 76

"Guard!" shouted GILPIN, "Hi!"

But no--the train was not a bit Arranged to tarry there, For why?--because 't was an Express, And did dispatches bear.

So, in a second, off it flew Again, and dashed along, As if the deuce't were going to, With motive impulse strong.

Away went GILPIN, on the breath Of puffing steam, until They came unto their journey's end, Where they at last stood still

And then--best thing that he could do-- He book'd himself for Town; They stopped at every station up, Till he again got down.

Says GILPIN, "Sing, Long live the QUEEN, And eke long life to me; And ere I'll trust that Line again, Myself I blest will see!"

ELEGY.

WRITTEN IN A RAIL WAY STATION.

PUNCH.

The Station clock proclaims the close of day; The hard-worked clerks drop gladly off to tea; The last train starts upon its dangerous way, And leaves the place to darkness and to me.

Now fades the panting engine's red tail-light, And all the platform solemn stillness holds, Save where the watchmen, pacing for the night, By smothered coughs announce their several colds.

Behind that door of three-inch planking made, Those frosted panes placed too high up to peep, All in their iron safes securely laid, The cooked account-books of the Railway sleep.

The Debts to credit side so neatly borne, What should be losses, profits proved instead; The Dividends those pages that adorn No more shall turn the fond Shareholder's head.

Oft did the doubtful to their balance yield, Their evidence arithmetic could choke: How jocund were they that to them appealed!

How many votes of thanks did they provoke!

Let not Derision mock KING HUDSON'S toil, Who made things pleasant greenhorns to allure; Nor prudery give hard names unto the spoil 'Twas glad to share--while it could share secure.

All know the way that he his fortune made, How he bought votes and consciences did hire; How hands that Gold and Silver-sticks have swayed To grasp his dirty palm would oft aspire,

Till these accounts at last their doctored page, Thanks to mischance and panic, did unroll, When virtue suddenly became the rage, And wiped George Hudson out of fas.h.i.+on's scroll.

Full many a n.o.ble Lord who once serene The feasts at Albert Gate was glad to share, For tricks he blushed not at, or blushed unseen, Now cuts the Iron King with vacant stare.

For those who, mindful of their money fled, Rejoice in retribution, sure though late-- Should they, by ruin to reflection led, Ask PUNCH to point the moral of his fate,

Haply that wooden-headed sage may say, "Oft have I seen him, in his fortune's dawn, When at his levees elbowing their way, Peer's ermine might be seen and Bishop's lawn.

"There the great man vouchsafed in turn to each Advice, what scrip or shares 'twas best to buy, There his own arts his favorites he would teach, And put them up to good things on the sly.

"Till to the House by his admirers borne, Warmed with Champagne in fl.u.s.tered speech he strove, And on through commerce, colonies, and corn, Like engine, without break or driver, drove.

"Till when he ceased to dip in fortune's till, Out came one cooked account--of our M. P.; Another came--yet men scarce ventured, still, To think their idol such a rogue could be.

"Until those figures set in sad array Proved how his victims he had fleeced and shorn Approach and read (if thou canst read) my lay, Writ on him more in sadness than in scorn."

THE EPITAPH.

Here lies, the gilt rubbed off his sordid earth, A man whom Fortune made to Fas.h.i.+on known; Though void alike of breeding, parts, or birth, G.o.d Mammon early marked him for his own.

Large was his fortune, but he bought it dear; When he won foully he did freely spend.

He plundered no one knows how much a-year, But Chancery o'ertook him in the end.

No further seek his frailties to disclose: For many of his sins should share the load: While he kept rising, who asked how he rose?

While we could reap, what cared we how he sowed?

THE BOA AND THE BLANKET.

[Footnote: A few days before this burlesque of Warren appeared, a boa-constrictor in the London Zoological Gardens swallowed the blanket that had served as its bed.]

AN APOLOGUE OF THE ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS.--[AFTER WARREN.]

PUNCH.

It is talked of Now! Was talked of Yesterday!

May be muttered to-morrow! What?-- THE BOA THAT BOLTED THE BLANKET, Speckled Enthusiast!

It was full moon's full moonlight! The s.h.i.+lling I had paid down at the Gate Seem'd hung in Heaven. To NEWTON'S EYE (As Master of the Mint).

A Splendid, yea, Celestial s.h.i.+lling!

I was alone, with Nothing to Speak of But Creation!

Yes! Gigantic NOAH'S Ark of twenty times her tonnage, Lay crouch'd, and purring, and velvety, and fanged About me!

Cane-colored tigers--rug-spotted Leopards-- Snakes (ah, CUPID!) knit and interknit--to true love knots Semblable!

Striped Zebra--Onager Calcitrant--Common a.s.s, And I--and all were there!

The bushy Squirrel with his half-cracked Nut, Slept. The Boar of Allemagne snored.

The Lion's Cage was hot with heat of blood: And Peace in Curtain Ring linked two Ring Doves!

In Gardens Zoological and Regent, I, meditating, stood!

And still the moon looked wondrous like a s.h.i.+lling, Impartial Moon, that showed me all.

My heart fluttered as tho' winged from Mercury!

I moved--approached the Snake-House!

Oh, the balm of Paradise that came and went!

The silver gleams of Eden shooting down the trembling strings Of my melodious heart!

Down--down to its coral roots!

I dashed aside the human tear; and--yes--prepared myself With will, drunk from the eyes of Hope, to gaze upon the Snake!

The Boa!!

The Python!!!

The Anaconda!!!!

A Boa was there! A Boa, 'neath Crystal Roof!

And rabbits, taking the very moonlight in their paws, Washed their meek faces. Washed, then hopped!

"And so (I couldn't help it) so," I groaned--"the ancient Snake-- That milk-white thing--and innocent--trustful!

And then, Death--Death-- And lo! there, typical, it is--it is-- THE BLANKET!!

Death shred of living thing that cropped the flower; And, thoughtless, bleated forth its little baa-a!"

Away! I will not tarry! Let the Boa sleep, And Rabbits, that have given bills to destiny, Meet his demand at three and six months' date!

(We know such Boas and rabbits, Know we not?) Let me pa.s.s on!