The Humorous Poetry of the English Language; from Chaucer to Saxe Part 91

EPITAPH ON W---.

Stop, thief! dame Nature cried to Death, As Willie drew his latest breath; You have my choicest model ta'en; How shall I make a fool again?

ON A SUICIDE.

Earth'd up here lies an imp o' h.e.l.l, Planted by Satan's dibble-- Poor silly wretch, he's d.a.m.n'd himsel'

To save the Lord the trouble.

EPIGRAMS FROM THE GERMAN OF LESSING.

NIGER.

"He's gone at last--old Niger's dead!"

Last night 'twas said throughout the city; Each quidnunc gravely shook his head, And HALF the town cried, "What a pity!"

The news proved false--'t was all a cheat-- The morning came the fact denying; And ALL the town to-day repeat What HALF the town last night was crying.

A NICE POINT.

Say which enjoys the greater blisses, John, who Dorinda's picture kisses, Or Tom, his friend, the favor'd elf, Who kisses fair Dorinda's self?

Faith, 'tis not easy to divine, While both are thus with raptures fainting, To which the balance should incline, Since Tom and John both kiss a painting.

THE POINT DECIDED.

Nay, surely John's the happier of the twain, Because--the picture can not kiss again!

TRUE n.o.bILITY.

Young Stirps as any lord is proud, Vain, haughty, insolent, and loud, Games, drinks, and in the full career Of vice, may vie with any peer; Seduces daughters, wives, and mothers, Spends his own cash, and that of others, Pays like a lord--that is to say, He never condescends to pay, But bangs his creditor in requital-- And yet this blockhead wants a t.i.tle!

TO A LIAR.

Lie as long as you will, my fine fellow, believe me, Your rhodomontading will never deceive me; Though you took me in THEN, I confess, my good youth, When moved by caprice you once told me the truth.

MENDAX.

See yonder goes old Mendax, telling lies To that good easy man with whom he's walking; How know I that? you ask, with some surprise; Why, don't you see, my friend, the fellow's talking.

THE BAD-WIFE.

SAVANS have decided, that search the globe round, One only bad wife in the world can be found; The worst of it is, as her name is not known, Not a husband but swears that bad wife is his own.

THE DEAD MISER.

From the grave where dead Gripeall, the miser, reposes, What a villainous odor invades all our noses!

It can't be his BODY alone--in the hole They have certainly buried the usurer's SOUL.

ON FELL.

While Fell was reposing himself on the hay, A reptile conceal'd bit his leg as he lay; But all venom himself, of the wound he made light, And got well, while the scorpion died of the bite.

THE BAD ORATOR.

So vile your grimace, and so croaking your speech, One scarcely can tell if you're laughing or crying; Were you fix'd on one's funeral sermon to preach, The bare apprehension would keep one from dying.

THE WISE CHILD.

How plain your little darling says "Mamma,"

But still she calls you "Doctor," not "Papa."

One thing is clear: your conscientious rib Has not yet taught the pretty dear to fib.

SPECIMEN OF THE LACONIC.

"Be less prolix," says Grill. I like advice-- "Grill, you're an a.s.s!" Now surely that's concise.

CUPID AND MERCURY, OR THE BARGAIN.

Sly Cupid late with Maia's son Agreed to live as friend and brother; In proof, his bow and shafts the one Chang'd for the well-fill'd purse of t'other.

And now, the transfer duly made, Together through the world they rove; The thieving G.o.d in arms array'd, And gold the panoply of love!

FRITZ.

Quoth gallant Fritz, "I ran away To fight again another day."

The meaning of his speech is plain, He only fled to fly again.

ON DORILIS.

That Dorilis thus, on her lap as he lies, Should kiss little Pompey, excites no surprise; But the lapdog whom thus she keeps fondling and praising, Licks her face in return--that I own is amazing!

TO A SLOW WALKER AND QUICK EATER.