Mr Punch's Model Music Hall Songs and Dramas Part 25

[_A huge Shadow is thrown on the road outside_; LYDIA _starts_.

Whose shadow is it makes the highway darker?

That bullet head! those ears! it is----Jack Parker!

[_Chord. The Chorus flee in dismay, as_ JACK _enters with a reckless swagger_.

_Song_--JACK PARKER.

I'm loafing about, and I very much doubt If my excellent Ma is aware that I'm out; My time I employ in attempts to annoy, And I'm not what you'd call an agreeable boy!

I shoe the cats with walnut-sh.e.l.ls; Tin cans to curs I tie; Ring furious knells at front-door bells-- Then round the corner fly!

'Neath donkeys' tails I fasten furze, Or timid hors.e.m.e.n scare; If chance occurs, I stock with burrs My little Sister's hair!

[_The Bull shakes his head reprovingly._

Such tricks give me joy without any alloy, But they do not denote an agreeable boy!

[_As_ JACK PARKER _concludes, the Bull ducks cautiously below the half-door, while_ LYDIA _conceals herself behind the pump_, L.C.

_Jack_ (_wandering about stage discontentedly_). I thought at least there'd be _some_ beasts to badger here!

Call this a farm--there ain't a blooming spadger here!

[_Approaches stall--Bull raises head suddenly._

A bull! This is a lark I've long awaited!

He's in a stable, so he should be baited.

[_The Bull shows symptoms of acute depression at this jeu de mots_; LYDIA _comes forward indignantly_.

_Lydia._ I _can't_ stand by and see that poor bull suffer!

Excitement's sure to make his beef taste tougher!

[_The Bull emphatically corroborates this statement._

Be warned by Miss Jane Taylor; fractured skulls Invariably come from teasing bulls!

So let that door alone, nor lift the latchet; For if the bull gets out--why, then you'll catch it.

_Jack._ A fractured skull? Yah, don't believe a word of it!

[_Raises latchet: chord; Bull comes slowly out, and crouches ominously_; JACK _retreats, and takes refuge on top of pump: the Bull, after scratching his back with his off foreleg, makes a sudden rush at_ LYDIA.

_Lydia_ (_as she evades it_). Here, help!--it's chasing me!--it's too absurd of it!

Go away, Bull--with _me_ you have no quarrel!

[_The Bull intimates that he is acting from a deep sense of duty._

_Lydia_ (_impatiently_). You stupid thing, you're _ruining_ the moral!

[_The Bull persists obstinately in his pursuit._

_Jack_ (_from top of pump_). Well dodged, Miss Banks! although the Bull I'll back!

[_Enter_ Farm-hands.

_Lydia._ Come quick--this Bull's mistaking me for Jack!

_Jack._ He knows his business best, I shouldn't wonder.

_Farm-hands_ (_philosophically_). He ain't the sort of Bull to make a blunder.

[_They look on._

_Lydia_ (_panting._) Such violent exercise will soon exhaust me!

[_The Bull comes behind her._

Oh, Bull, it _is_ unkind of you ... you've _tossed_ me!

[_Falls on ground, while the Bull stands over her, in readiness to give the coup de grace_; LYDIA _calls for help_.

_A Farm-hand_ (_encouragingly_). Nay, Miss, he seems moor sensible nor surly-- He knows as how good children perish early!

[_The Bull nods in acknowledgment that he is at last understood, and slaps his chest with his forelegs._

_Lydia._ Bull, I'll turn naughty, if you'll but be lenient!

Goodness, I see, is sometimes inconvenient.

I promise you henceforth I'll _try_, at any rate, To act like children who are unregenerate!

[Ill.u.s.tration: On top of the Pump.]

[_The Bull, after turning this over, decides to accept a compromise._

_Jack._ And, Lydia, when you ready for a lark are, Just give a chyhike to your friend--Jack Parker!

[_They shake hands warmly._

FINALE.

_Lydia._ I thought to slowly fade away so calm and beautiful.

(Though I didn't mean to go just yet); But you get no chance for pathos when you're chivied by a bull!

(So I thought I wouldn't go just yet.) For I did feel so upset, when I found that all you get By the exercise of virtue, is that bulls will come and hurt you!

That I thought I wouldn't go just yet!

_Chorus._ We hear, with some regret, That she doesn't mean to go just yet.

But a Bull with horns that hurt you Is a poor return for virtue, So she's wiser not to go just yet!

[_The Bull rises on his hindlegs, and gives a forehoof each to_ LYDIA _and_ JACK, _who dance wildly round and round as the Curtain falls_.

[N.B.--Music-hall Managers are warned that the morality of this particular Drama may possibly be called in question by some members of the L. C. C.]