Mr Punch's Model Music Hall Songs and Dramas Part 3

Joey Chamberlain's orchid's a bit overblown, Between you and me and the Post!

(_This is rather subtle, perhaps, but an M.-H. audience will see a joke in it somewhere, and laugh._)

'Ow to square a round table I'm sure he has shown.

(_Same observation applies here._)

But of late he's been leaving his old friends alone, And I fancy he's grinding an axe of his own, Between you and me and the Post! (_Chorus._)

(_We now pa.s.s on to Topics of the Day, which we treat in a light but trenchant fas.h.i.+on._)

On the noo County Councils they've too many n.o.bs, Between you and me and the Post!

For the swells stick together, and sneer at the mobs; And it's always the rich man the poor one who robs.

We shall 'ave the old business--all jabber and jobs!

Between you and me and the Post! (_Chorus._)

(N.B.--_This verse should not be read to the L. C. C. who might miss the fun of it._)

There's a new rule for ladies presented at Court, Between you and me and the Post!

High necks are allowed, so no colds will be cort, But I went to the droring-room lately, and thort Some old wimmen had dressed quite as low as they _ort_!

Between you and me and the Post! (_Chorus._)

By fussy alarmists we're too much annoyed, Between you and me and the Post!

If we don't want our neighbours to think we're afroid, [_M.-H. rhyme._ Spending dibs on defence we had better avoid.

And give 'em instead to the poor unemployed.

[_M.-H. political economy._ Between you and me and the Post! (_Chorus._)

This style of perlitical singing ain't hard, Between you and me and the Post!

As a "Mammoth Comique" on the bills I am starred, And, so long as I'm called, and angcored, and hurrar'd, I can rattle off rubbish like this by the yard, Between you and me and the Post!

[_Chorus, and dance off to sing the same song_--_with or without alterations_--_in another place._

[Ill.u.s.tration: A DEMOCRATIC DITTY.]

III.--A DEMOCRATIC DITTY.

The following example, although it gives a not wholly inadequate expression to what are understood to be the loftier aspirations of the most advanced and earnest section of the New Democracy, should not be attempted, as _yet_, before a West-End audience. In South or East London, the sentiment and philosophy of the song may possibly excite rapturous enthusiasm; in the West-End, though the tone is daily improving, they are not educated quite up to so exalted a level at present. Still, as an experiment in proselytism, it might be worth risking, even there. The t.i.tle it bears is:--

GIVEN AWAY--WITH A POUND OF TEA!

VERSE I.--(_Introductory._)

Some Grocers have taken to keeping a stock Of ornaments--such as a vase, or a clock-- With a ticket on each where the words you may see: "To be given away--with a Pound of Tea!"

_Chorus_ (_in waltz time_).

"Given away!"

That's what they say.

Gratis--a present it's offered you free.

Given away.

With nothing to pay, "Given away--[_tenderly_]--with a Pound of Tea!"

VERSE II.--(_Containing the moral reflection._)

Now, the sight of those tickets gave me an idear.

What it set me a-thinking you're going to 'ear: I thought there were things that would possibly be Better given away--with a Pound of Tea!

_Chorus_--"Given away." So much as to say, &c.

VERSE III.--(_This, as being rather personal than general in its application, may need some apology. It is really put in as a graceful concession to the taste of an average Music-hall audience, who like to be a.s.sured that the Artists who amuse them are as unfortunate as they are erratic in their domestic relations._)

Now, there's my old Missus who sits up at 'ome-- And when I sneak _up_-stairs my 'air she will comb,-- I don't think I'd call it bad business if _she_ Could be given away--with a Pound of Tea!

_Chorus_--"Given away!" That's what they say, &c.

[_Mutatis mutandis._

VERSE IV.--(_Flying at higher game. The social satire here is perhaps almost too good-natured, seeing what intolerable pests all Peers are to the truly Democratic mind. But we must walk before we can run.

Good-humoured contempt will do very well, for the present._)

Fair Americans snap up the pick of our Lords.

It's a practice a sensible Briton applords.

[_This will check any groaning at the mention of Aristocrats._ Far from grudging our Dooks to the pretty Yan-kee,-- (_Magnanimously_) Why, we'd give 'em away--with a Pound of Tea!

_Chorus_--Give 'em away! So we all say, &c.

VERSE V.--(_More frankly Democratic still._)

To-wards a Republic we're getting on fast; Many old Inst.i.tootions are things of the past.

(_Philosophically_) Soon the Crown 'll go, too, as an a-noma-lee, And be given away--with a Pound of Tea!

_Chorus_--"Given away!" Some future day, &c.

VERSE VI.--(_Which expresses the peaceful proclivities of the populace with equal eloquence and wisdom. A welcome contrast to the era when Britons had a bellicose and immoral belief in the possibility of being called upon to defend themselves at some time!_)

We've made up our minds--though the Jingoes may jor-- Under no provocation to drift into war!

So the best thing to do with our costly Na-vee Is--Give each s.h.i.+p away, with a Pound of Tea!

_Chorus_--Give 'em away, &c.

VERSE VII.--(_We cannot well avoid some reference to the Irish Question in a Music-hall ditty, but observe the logical and statesmanlike method of treating it here. The argument--if crudely stated--is borrowed from some advanced by our foremost politicians._)

We've also discovered at last that it's crule To deny the poor Irish their right to 'Ome Rule!

So to give 'em a Parlyment let us agree-- (_Rationally_) Or they may blow us up with a Pound of their "Tea"!