Mr Punch's Model Music Hall Songs and Dramas Part 7

[_Att.i.tude of various members of the party. Unwarrantable proceeding on the part of the_ Constable. _Remonstrance by_ Pa Plapper _and the company generally in_--

_Chorus_--Why, can't yer shee? o' coursh Tishn't us--it ish the 'ors.h.!.+

He's a whale at swilling water, We've 'ad only ale and porter, Or a drop o' something shorter.

You le'mme go, you shnorter!

Don' you tush me till you oughter!

Jus' look 'ere--to cut it shorter-- Take the poor old 'ors.h.!.+

[_General adjournment to the Police-station. Interview with the_ Magistrate _on the following morning._ Mr. Hopkins _called upon to state his defence, replies in_--

_Chorus_--Why, your wushup sees, o' course, It was all the bloomin' 'orse!

He _would_ 'ave a pail o' water Every 'arf a mile (or quarter), Which is what he didn't oughter!

He shall stick to ale or porter, With a drop o' something shorter, I'm my family's supporter-- Fine the poor old 'orse!

[_The_ Magistrate's _view of the case. Concluding remark that, notwithstanding the success of the excursion, as a whole--it will be some time before the singer consents to go upon any excursion with a horse of such bibulous tendencies as those of the quadruped they drove to Kew._

[Ill.u.s.tration]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE DRAMATIC SCENA.]

VIII.--THE DRAMATIC SCENA.

This is always a popular form of entertainment, demanding, as it does, even more dramatic than vocal ability on the part of the artist. A song of this kind is nothing if not severely moral, an frequently depicts the downward career of an incipient drunkard with all the lurid logic of a Temperance Tract. _Mr. Punch_, however, is inclined to think that the lesson would be even more appreciated and taken to heart by the audience, if a slightly different line were adopted such as he has endeavoured to indicate in the following example:--

THE DANGER OF MIXED DRINKS.

_The singer should have a great command of facial expression, which he will find greatly facilitated by employing (as indeed is the usual custom) coloured limelight at the wings._

_First Verse (to be sung under pure white light)._

He (_these awful examples are usually, and quite properly, anonymous_) was once as nice a fellow as you could desire to meet, Partial to a pint of porter, always took his spirits neat; Long ago a careful mother's cautions trained her son to shrink From the meretricious sparkle of an aerated drink.

_Refrain (showing the virtuous youth resisting temptation. N.B. The refrain is intended to be spoken through music._ NOT _sung_.)

Here's a pub that's handy.

Liquor up with you?

Thimbleful of brandy?

Don't mind if I do.

Soda-water? No, Sir.

Never touch the stuff.

Promised mother--so, Sir.

(_With an upward glance._) 'Tisn't good enough!

_Second Verse._ (_Primrose light for this._)

Ah, how little we suspected, as we saw him in his bloom, What a demon dogged his footsteps, luring to an awful doom!

Vain his mother's fond monitions; soon a friend, with fiendish laugh, Tempts him to a quiet tea-garden, plies him there with shandy-gaff!

_Refrain_ (_ill.u.s.trating the first false step_).

Why, it's just the mixture I so long have sought!

Here I'll be a fixture Till I've drunk the quart!

Just the stuff to suit yer.

Waiter, do you hear?

Make it, for the future, _Three_ parts ginger-beer!

_Third Verse_ (_requiring violet-tinted slide_).

By-and-by, the ale discarding, ginger-beer he craves alone.

Undiluted he procures it, buys it bottled up in stone.

(_The earthenware bottles are said by connoisseurs to contain liquor of superior strength and quality._)

From his lips the foam he brushes--crimson overspreads his brow.

To his brain the ginger's mounting! Could his mother see him now!

_Refrain_ (_depicting the horrors of a solitary debauch poisoned by remorse_).

Shall I have another?

Only ginger-pop!

(_Wildly._) Ah! I promised mother Not to touch a drop!

Far too much I'm tempted.

(_Recklessly._) Let me drink my fill!

That's the fifth I've emptied-- Oh, I feel so ill!

[_Here the singer will stagger about the boards._

_Fourth Verse._ (_Turn on lurid crimson ray for this._)

Next with drinks they style "teetotal" he his manhood must degrade; Swilling effervescent syrups--"ice-cream-soda," "raspberry-ade,"

Koumiss tempts his jaded palate--payment he's obliged to bilk-- Then, reduced to dest.i.tution, finds forgetfulness in--milk!

_Refrain_ (_indicating rapid moral deterioration_).

What's that on the railings?

[_Point dramatically at imaginary area._ Milk--and in a can!

Though I have my failings, I'm an honest man.

[_Spark of expiring rect.i.tude here._ I can _not_ resist it. [_Pantomime of opening can._ That celestial blue!

Has the milkman missed it? [_Melodramatically._ _I_'ll be missing too!

_Fifth Verse_ (_in pale blue light_).

Milk begets a taste for water, so comparatively cheap, Every casual pump supplies him, gratis, with potations deep; He at every drinking-fountain pounces on the pewter cup, Conscious of becoming bloated, powerless to give it up!