The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter Part 13

While my thoughts were thus engag'd, she plac'd a cup of wine under my hands, and having cleans'd my prophane extended fingers with sacred leeks and parsley, threw into the wine, with some e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.o.n, hazel-nuts, and as they sunk or swam gave her judgment; but I well knew the empty rotten ones wou'd swim, and those of entire kernels go to the bottom.

When applying herself to the goose, from its breast she drew a l.u.s.ty liver, and then told me my future fortune. But that no mark of the murder might be left, she fixt the rent goose to a spit, which, as she said, she had fatten'd a little before, as sensible it was to die.

In the mean time the wine went briskly round, and now the old women gladly devour the goose, they so lately lamented; when they had pickt its bones, Enothea, half drunk, turn'd to me; "and now," said she, "I'll finish the charm that recovers your strength": When drawing out a leathern ensign of Priapus, she dipt it in a medley of oyl, small pepper, and the bruis'd seed of nettles, paulatim coepit inserere ano meo. Hoc crudelissima a.n.u.s spurgit subinde umore femina mea.

Nasturcii suc.u.m c.u.m abrotano miscet perfusisque inguinibus meis viridis urticae fascem comprehendit, omniaque infra umbilic.u.m coepit lenta mann caedere. Upon which jumping from her, to avoid the sting, I made off. The old woman in a great rage pursu'd me, and tho' drunk with wine, and their more hot desires, took the right way: and follow'd me through two or three villages, crying stop thief; but with my hands all b.l.o.o.d.y, in the hasty flight, I got off.

When I got home, to ease my wearied limbs, I went to bed, but the thoughts of my misfortunes would not let me sleep; when considering how unparallel'd a wretch I was, I cry'd out, "Did my ever cruel fortune want the afflictions of love to make me more miserable? O unhappiness! Fortune and love conspire my ruin. Severer love spares me no way, or loving, or belov'd a wretch: Chrysis adores me, and is ever giving me occasion to address: She, that when she brought me to her mistress, despis'd me for my mean habit as one beneath her desires; that very Chrysis that so scorn'd my former fortune, pursues this even with the hazard of her own; and swore, when she first discover'd to me the violence of her love, that she wou'd be ever true to me. But Circe's in possession of my heart, I value none but her, and indeed who wears such charms? Compar'd to her, what was Ariadne or Lyda? what Helen, or even Venus? Paris himself the umpire of the wanton nymphs, if with these eyes he had seen her contending for the golden apple, wou'd have given both his Helen and the G.o.ddesses for her. If I might be admitted to kiss her sweet lips again, or once more press her divinely rising b.r.e.a.s.t.s, perhaps my vigour wou'd revive, which now I believe lyes opprest by witchcraft. I shou'd dispense with my reproaches, shou'd forget that I was beat; esteem my being turn'd out of doors, a sport; so I might be again happy in her favours."

These thoughts and the image of the beautiful Circe so rais'd my mind, that I oft, as if my love was in my arms, with a great deal of fruitless ardour, hug'd the bed-cloaths, till out of patience with the lasting affliction I began to reproach my impotence; yet recovering my presence of mind, I flew for comfort to the misfortunes of ancient hero's, and thus broke out:

"Not only me th' avenging G.o.ds pursue, Oft they their anger on their hero's throw; By Juno's rage Alcides Heaven bore, And Pelia's injur'd Juno knew before.

Leomedon Heaven's dire resentments felt, And Telephus's blood washt out his guilt.

We cannot from the wrathful G.o.dhead run Crafty Ulysses cou'd not Neptune shun.

Provokt Priapus o're the land and sea, Has left his h.e.l.lespont to follow me."

Full of anxious cares I spent the night: and Gito, inform'd that I lay at home, enter'd my chamber by day-break, when having pa.s.sionately complain'd of my loose life, he told me the family took much notice of my behaviour, that I was seldom in waiting, and that perhaps the company I kept wou'd be my ruin.

By this I understood he was inform'd of my affairs; and that some one had been in pursuit of me; upon which I ask't my Gito whether any body was to enquire for me. "Not this day," said he, "but yesterday there came a very pretty woman, who, when she had tir'd me with a long sifting discourse; at last told me you deserv'd to be punisht, and shou'd as a slave, if you longer complain'd."

This so sensibly touch'd me, that I began afresh to reproach fortune: Nor had I done, e're Chrysis came in, and wildly throwing her arms about me: "Now," said she, "I'll hold my wish, you're my love, my joy; nor may you think to quench this flame, but by a more close embrace."

I was much disturb'd at Chrysis's wantonness, and gave her fair language, to get rid of her; for I was very apprehensive of the danger of Eumolpus's hearing it, since his good fortune had made him so proud. I did therefore what I could to appease her rage; I dissembl'd love, whisper'd soft things, and in short manag'd it so like a lover, that she believ'd me one. I made her understand in what danger we both were, if she shou'd be found with me in that place, and that our lord Eumolpus punisht the least offence. Upon which she immediately made out, and the more hastily, because she saw Gito returning, who had left me a little before she came.

She was scarce out, when on a sudden one of the slaves came to me, and told me that our lord so highly resented my two days absence, that unless, as he advised me, I invented a good excuse to allay his heat, I shou'd certainly be punish'd.

Gito perceiving how concern'd I was, spoke not a word of the woman, but advis'd me to behave myself merrily to Eumolpus, rather than serious. I pursu'd the counsel, and put on so pleasant a face that he receiv'd me in drollery, without the grave stiffness of a master. He was pleasant on the success of my amours; prais'd my meen and wit that was so agreeable to the ladies: and "I'm no stranger," said he, "to your love of a very beautiful lady. But now, Encolpius, that rightly manag'd, may turn to our advantage; therefore do you personate the lover, I'll continue the character I've begun."

Matrona inter primas honesta, Philomela nomine quae multas saepe hereditates officio aetati extorserat, tum a.n.u.s et floris extincti, filium filiamque ingerebat orbis senibus, et per hanc successionem artem suam perseverabat extendere. Ea ergo ad Eumolpum venit et commendare liberos suos eius prudentiae bonitatique . . . credere se et vota sua. Illum esse solum in toto orbe terrarum, qui praeceptis etiam salubribus instruere iuvenes quotidie posset. Ad summam, relinquere se pueros in domo Eumolpi, ut illum loquentem audirent: quae sola posset hereditas iuvenibus dari. Nec aliter fecit ac dixerat, filiamque speciosissimam c.u.m fratre ephebo in cubiculo reliquit simulavitque se in templum ire ad vota nuncupanda. Eumolpus, qui tam frugi erat ut illi etiam ego puer viderer, non distulit puellam invitare ad pigiciaca sacra. Sed et podagric.u.m se esse lumborumque solutorum omnibus dixerat, et si non serva.s.set integram simulationem, peric.l.i.tabatur totam paene tragoediam evertere. Itaque ut constaret mendacio fides, puellam quidem exoravit, ut sederet super commendatam bonitatem, Coraci autem imperavit ut lectum, in quo ipse iacebat, subiret positisque in pavimento manibus dominum lumbis suis commoveret. Ille lente parebat imperio puellaque artificium pari motu remunerabat. c.u.m ergo res ad affectum spectaret, clara Eumolpus voce exhortabatur Coraca, ut sp.i.s.saret officium. Sic inter mercennarium amicamque positus senex veluti oscillatione ludebat. Hoc semel iterumque ingenti risu, etiam suo, Eumolpus fecerat. Itaque ego quoque, ne desidia consuetudinem perderem, dum frater sororis suae automata per clostellum miratur, accessi temptaturus, an pateretur iniuriam. Nec se reiciebat a blanditiis doctissimus puer, sed me numen inimic.u.m ibi quoque invenit.

I was not so concern'd at this as the former; for a little after my strength return'd, and finding my self more vigorous, I cry'd out, the courteous G.o.ds are greater that have made me whole again. For Mercury, that conveys and reconveys our souls, by his favours has restor'd what his anger had seiz'd: Now I shall be in as great esteem as Protesilaus or any of the antients. Upon which taking up my cloaths, I shew'd my whole self to Eumolpus, he startl'd at first, but soon, to confirm his belief, with both hands chaf'd the mighty favour of the G.o.ds.

This great blessing makes us merry, we laughed at Philumene's cunning, and her childrens experience in the art, which wou'd profit 'em little with us; for to no other end were they left, but to be heirs to what we had. When reflecting on this sordid manner of deceiving childless age, I took occasion to consider the condition of our present fortune, and told Eumolpus that the deceivers might be deceiv'd, that therefore all our actions shou'd be of a piece with the character we bore.

"That Socrates, the wisest of men, us'd to boast he never saw a tavern, nor ever had been in the common company that frequents such places. That nothing was more convenient than a discreet behaviour.

All these are truths, nor shou'd any sort of men," added I, "more expect the sudden a.s.saults of ill fortune, than those that covet what's other men's. But how should pick-pockets live, unless, by some well order'd trick, to draw fools together, they get imployment? As fish are taken with what they really eat, so men are to be cheated with something that's solid, not empty hope; thus the people of this country have hitherto receiv'd us very n.o.bly: but when they find the arrival of no s.h.i.+p from Africk, laden, as you told 'em, with riches, and your retinue, the impatient deceivers, will lessen their bounty; therefore, or I'm mistaken, our fortune begins to repent her favours."

"I have thought of a means," said Eumolpus, "to make our deceivers continue their care of us." And drawing his will out of his purse, thus read the last lines of it.

"All that have legacies in this my last will and testament, my freed men excepted, receives 'em on these conditions, that they divide my body, and eat it before the people. And that they may not think it an unjust demand, let them know, that to this day 'tis the custom of many countries, that the relations of the dead devour the carcase; and for that reason they often quarrel with their sick kindred, because they spoil their flesh by lingering in a disease. I only instance this to my friends, that they may not refuse to perform my will; but with the same sincerity they wisht well to my soul, they might devour my body."

When he had read the chief articles, some that were more intimately acquainted with him, enter'd the chamber, and viewing the will, earnestly intreated him to impart the contents of it; he readily consented and read the whole. But when they heard the necessity of eating the carca.s.s, they seem'd much concern'd at the strange proposal; but their insatiate love of the money made 'em stifle their pa.s.sion, and his person was so awful to 'em, they durst not complain.

But one of 'em, Gorgias by name, briskly told him he was willing to accept the conditions, so he might not wait for the body.

To this Eumolpus, "I'm not in the least apprehensive of your performance, nor that your stomach wou'd refuse the task, when to recompense one distasteful minute you promise ages of luxury. 'Tis but shutting your eyes, and supposing instead of man's flesh you were eating an hundred sesterces. Some sauce may be added to vary the tast; for no flesh pleases alone, but is prepar'd by art to commend it to the stomach. If you desire instances of this kind, to make ye approve my advice; the Saguntines when they were besieg'd by Hannibal eat humane bodies, without the hopes of an estate for doing it. The Petavii reduc'd to the last extremity did the like; nor had they further hopes in this banquet than to satisfie nature. When Scipio took Numanita, mothers were found with their children half eaten in their arms. But since the thoughts only of eating man's flesh create the lothing; 'tis but resolving, and you gain the mighty legacies I leave you."

Eumolpus recounted these shameless inhumanities with so much confusion, that his parasites began to suspect him, and more nearly considering our words and actions, their jealousie encreas'd with their observation, and they believ'd us perfect cheats. Upon which those who had receiv't us most n.o.bly, resolv'd to seize us, and l.u.s.tly take their revenge; but Chrysis, privy to all stratagems, gave me notice of their designs; the frightful news so struck me, that I made off with Gito immediately, and left Eumolpus to the mercy of his enemies; and in a few days we heard the Crotonians raging, that that old rascal shou'd live so long at such a sumptuous rate on the publick charge, sacrific'd him the Ma.s.silian way. Whenever the Ma.s.silians were visited with a plague, some one of the poorest of the people, for the sake of being well fed a whole year at the publick charge, wou'd offer himself a sacrifice to appease the G.o.ds: He after his year was up, drest in holy wreath and sacred garment, was led about the city with invocations on the G.o.ds that all the sins of the nation might be punisht in him; and so was thrown from a precipice.