A Nonsense Anthology Part 21

FERDINANDO AND ELVIRA, OR THE GENTLE PIEMAN

"Love you?" said I, then I sighed, and then I gazed upon her sweetly-- For I think I do this sort of thing particularly neatly--

"Tell me whither I may his me, tell me, dear one, that I may know-- Is it up the highest Andes? down a horrible volcano?"

But she said, "It isn't polar bears, or hot volcanic grottoes, Only find out who it is that writes those lovely cracker mottoes."

Seven weary years I wandered--Patagonia, China, Norway, Till at last I sank exhausted, at a pastrycook his doorway.

And he chirped and sang and skipped about, and laughed with laughter hearty, He was wonderfully active for so very stout a party.

And I said, "Oh, gentle pieman, why so very, very merry?

Is it purity of conscience, or your one-and-seven sherry?"

"Then I polish all the silver which a supper-table lacquers; Then I write the pretty mottoes which you find inside the crackers."

"Found at last!" I madly shouted. "Gentle pieman, you astound me!"

Then I waved the turtle soup enthusiastically round me.

And I shouted and I danced until he'd quite a crowd around him, And I rushed away, exclaiming, "I have found him! I have found him!"

_W.S. Gilbert_.

GENERAL JOHN

The bravest names for fire and flames, And all that mortal durst, Were General John and Private James, Of the Sixty-seventy-first.

General John was a soldier tried, A chief of warlike dons; A haughty stride and a withering pride Were Major-General John.

A sneer would play on his martial phiz, Superior birth to show; "Pis.h.!.+" was a favorite word of his, And he often said "Ho! Ho!"

Full-Private James described might be, As a man of mournful mind; No characteristic trait had he Of any distinctive kind.

From the ranks, one day, cried Private James, "Oh! Major-General John, I've doubts of our respective names, My mournful mind upon."

"A glimmering thought occurs to me, (Its source I can't unearth), But I've a kind of notion we Were cruelly changed at birth."

"I've a strange idea, each other's names That we have each got on.

Such things have been," said Private James.

"They have!" sneered General John.

"My General John, I swear upon My oath I think it is so--"

"Pis.h.!.+" proudly sneered his General John, And he also said "Ho! ho!"

"My General John! my General John!

My General John!" quoth he, "This aristocratical sneer upon Your face I blush to see."

"No truly great or generous cove Deserving of them names Would sneer at a fixed idea that's drove In the mind of a Private James!"

Said General John, "Upon your claims No need your breath to waste; If this is a joke, Full-Private James, It's a joke of doubtful taste."

"But being a man of doubtless worth, If you feel certain quite That we were probably changed at birth, I'll venture to say you're right."

So General John as Private James Fell in, parade upon; And Private James, by change of names, Was Major-General John.

_W.S. Gilbert_

LITTLE BILLEE

There were three sailors of Bristol City Who took a boat and went to sea, But first with beef and captain's biscuits, And pickled pork they loaded she.

There was gorging Jack, and guzzling Jimmy, And the youngest he was little Billee.

Now when they'd got as far as the Equator, They'd nothing left but one split pea.

Says gorging Jack to guzzling Jimmy, "I am extremely hungaree."

To gorging Jack says guzzling Jimmy, "We've nothing left, us must eat we."

Says gorging Jack to guzzling Jimmy, "With one another we shouldn't agree!

There's little Bill, he's young and tender, We're old and tough, so let's eat he."

"O Billy! we're going to kill and eat you, So undo the b.u.t.ton of your chemie."

When Bill received this information, He used his pocket-handkerchie,

"First let me say my catechism, Which my poor mother taught to me."

"Make haste! make haste!" says guzzling Jimmy, While Jack pulled out his snicker-snee.

Then Bill went up to the main-top-gallant-mast, And down he fell on his bended knee, He scarce had come to the Twelfth Commandment When up he jumps--"There's land I see!"

"Jerusalem and Madagascar, And North and South Amerikee, There's the British flag a-riding at anchor, With Admiral Napier, K.C.B."

So when they got aboard of the Admiral's, He hanged fat Jack and flogged Jimmee, But as for little Bill, he made him The captain of a Seventy-three.

_W. M. Thackeray_.

_THE WRECK OF THE "JULIE PLANTE_"