The Gentleman and Lady's Book of Politeness and Propriety of Deportment Part 16

Propriety, the guide of all our relations, cannot remain a stranger to the unfortunate; that which takes possession of all our sentiments, cannot forget to pity. It is in this light that it is peculiarly touching, that it is almost religious, since it even contributes to bind closer this first, this powerful tie of humanity.

SECTION I.

_Of Duties toward the Sick, Infirm, and Unfortunate._

When any one of your acquaintance is ill, you should regularly send a domestic, to inquire after their health, every day, or every other day, according to the virulence and nature of the disease. If there is immediate danger, we should send to inquire even twice a day. From time to time, you should send to know whether the sick person can see any one, because in that case you must go and testify in person, all your interest. You should continue to obtain information about their health until their recovery or death.

Our visits to the sick should be very short, silent, and reserved. We should address to them words of interest in a low voice, and speak softly to the member of the family who takes charge of them. We ask him who is his physician, what is the treatment; we urge every motive of consolation and hope; we ought hardly to reply to the questions the person in attendance asks, with regard to our own health, or business, and we retire reiterating the proofs of our interest. If the person is convalescent or only indisposed, you address a thousand questions concerning their complaints; you sympathize with them, praise their patience, and describe to them the pleasant image of returning health.

You must be on your guard not to say that you find their features much changed, that their recovery may be slow, &c.

To speak these truths is very mal-apropos, and with reason; you would pa.s.s for having an unfeeling heart, or, rather, a limited understanding.

When sufferings and troubles a.s.sume a virulent aspect, and resist all the efforts of medical skill, they are infirmities indeed, and a silence the most absolute and rigorous with respect to them, should be observed.

Not only ought you never to speak to an infirm person of his misfortune, but you should also carefully avoid mentioning any person who is afflicted in the same way, and of thus alluding indirectly to his own case.

The only occasion when this is allowed, is where you can make it appear to him that the comforts of which he is deprived are not so permanent but that you have experienced similar inconveniences from the same cause. Thus to a lame person, you might say that you yourself are fatigued with walking, that your own legs are not firm, &c. If the infirmity is not too visible, and the poor subject speaks to you of it, a.s.sure him earnestly that you should not have observed it. If he complains to you, offer him motives of consolation, and take care that you change the subject of conversation before he does, for you might make him think that you are importuning him about his malady. Finally, do all in your power to comfort him. If he is afflicted with imperfect sight, place objects near him, but without affectation, and without having the air of making him think that he requires your a.s.sistance, neither permit him to thank you. If he is troubled with deafness, you must not speak unreasonably loud; bring back the attention of the unfortunate person to the subject of your conversation by skilful and delicate transitions, and not abruptly say to him, _We were speaking of such a thing_. This is much trouble, perhaps you will say. Trouble to console people! Why, you take more to please them!

Persons who are reduced in circ.u.mstances, keep up in their misfortune (at least in society) their habits of opulence; and to manage with such persons requires not a little skill.

If they invite you to their frugal repasts, if they offer you any presents, let not the fear of occasioning them expense, induce you to refuse with warmth, and with obstinacy; you would wound them deeply.

Accept them, and seek an opportunity of repaying with interest, these proofs of their politeness. Do not speak to them first of their sad situation; but if they introduce the subject themselves, receive their confidence with a respectful and affectionate attention. Show how much you are affected with that which grieves them, and without forgetting discretion, endeavor, in appearance at least, to render them confidence for confidence.

SECTION II.

_Of Funerals and Mourning._

When we lose any one of our family, we should give intelligence of it to all persons who have had relations of business or friends.h.i.+p with the deceased. This letter of _announcement_ usually contains an invitation to a.s.sist at the service and burial.

On receiving this invitation, we should go to the house of the deceased, and follow the body as far as the church. We are excused from accompanying it to the burying-ground, unless it be a relation, a friend, or a superior. If we go as far as the burying-ground, we must give the first carriages to the relations or most intimate friends of the deceased. We should walk with the head uncovered, silently, and with a sad and thoughtful mien. Relations ought not, from considerations of propriety, to give themselves up too much to their grief. You will owe a visit to persons who have invited you, if you have not been able to accept their invitation. If you have attended the ceremony, then they are the ones that owe the visit.

At an interment or funeral service, the members of the family are ent.i.tled to the first places; they are nearest to the coffin, whether in the procession, or in the church. The nearest relations go in a full mourning dress. It is not customary at Paris for women to follow the procession; and, nowhere do they go quite to the grave, unless they are of a low cla.s.s. A widower or a widow, a father or mother, are not present at the interment, or funeral service of those whom they have lost. The first are presumed not to be able to support the afflicting ceremony; the second ought not to show this mark of deference.

There are two kinds of mourning, the full and the half mourning. The full mourning is worn for a father, mother, grandfather, grandmother, husband, wife, brother and sister. It is divided into three periods.[22]

For the first six weeks, we wear only woollen garments; in the six weeks following, we wear silk, and the three last months, we mingle white with the black.

Half mourning is worn for uncles, aunts, cousins, and second cousins.

The first fortnight we wear black silk, and the last week, white mixed with black.

Custom requires that a woman should wear mourning for her husband a year and six weeks, while that of a widower is only six months. This difference, which may appear singular, is founded upon reasons of convenience and social relations.

In the three first months of mourning for her husband, a woman wears only woollen garments; the six first weeks, her head dress and neck-kerchief are black c.r.a.pe or gauze; in the six following weeks, they are white c.r.a.pe or linen. The next six months, she dresses in black silk; in winter, gros de Naples; in summer, taffetas. Head dress, white c.r.a.pe. The three last months, she wears black and white, and the six last weeks, white only.

The mourning on the death of a wife, is a black cloth coat without b.u.t.tons,[23] dark shoes, woollen hose, black buckles, and a sword-knot of c.r.a.pe, if the person carries one. At the end of six weeks, we may wear a black coat with b.u.t.tons, black silk hose, silver buckles, and a black ribband upon the sword. The half mourning of the three last months is a black coat, a sword and silver buckles, white silk stockings, and a sword-knot of black and white.

It is altogether contrary to propriety to select for yourself at the shops the articles of mourning, to have them made in your presence, or to make them yourself; and, for a fortnight at least, and sometimes even for the six first weeks, ladies ought not to sew, even while receiving their relations and intimate friends, so much are they supposed to be depressed by their affliction.

During forty days we do not leave the house, except to go to church; it would be very improper to visit, dine out, or go to any a.s.sembly during the first mourning. When this time has expired, we make visits of mourning, and go out a little more, but we cannot yet appear in public promenades, at spectacles or b.a.l.l.s; we cannot sing, even at home. It is only at the time of half mourning that we resume by degrees our former habits of life.

For ten days at least, after the death of a very near relation, it would be very reprehensible for people whose profession recalls ideas of pleasure, as musicians, or dancing masters, to return to their employment.

In full mourning, we should wear neither curls nor perfumes. To be present at a funeral, or even to look at one pa.s.sing, are forbidden at this time. Attending a funeral service, other than that of a relation, is equally prohibited. Excepting during this period, it is impolite not to attend when invited to the funeral service of your acquaintances. You should appear there in mourning. At the funeral service, as well as at the interment, the male relatives go first, and then those invited; the female relatives go next, and are followed by other ladies.

If we marry a person who is in mourning, we put on black the day after our marriage; the time preceding is reckoned as if the mourning had been worn. On the contrary, if we ourselves are married again at a time when the death of a relation by our former marriage requires this sombre dress, we leave it off immediately, since our new union annuls the former alliance.

Visits which are paid to persons in mourning, are called visits of condolence. In making them, we observe silence, and never inquire about their health; this would be out of place. A gentleman offers them his hand, a lady embraces them, even though they are but slightly acquainted. We refrain from conversing on too gay or personal subjects.

If we are at a distance, we testify by letter our sympathy in the misfortune which afflicts them. Their grief cannot excuse them from answering us, but it is not immediately necessary.

With this subject, we shall conclude our treatise of politeness; hoping that, having arrived at this point, our readers may say, 'Without any doubt the work is full and methodical;' we shall not dare to flatter ourselves with more, but this is enough, for it is being sure that our labor has been useful.

We trust then that we have rendered an essential service to youth, in making them acquainted with these rules, which have become so necessary; in truth, politeness, on which at the present day we pride ourselves, is a virtue which we ought never to renounce, since it gives to the intercourse of life, that sweetness, pleasure, elegance and charm which can be truly felt only by those who possess it. As the intellectual Madam Lambert has said, 'Politeness is the desire of pleasing those with whom we are obliged to live, and in a manner causing all around us to be satisfied with us; superiors, with our respect; equals, with our esteem; and inferiors, with our kindness.'

[22] Several of the particulars which follow, are not observed in this country.--_T._

[23] It is not the custom among us to dispense with b.u.t.tons.--_T._