Mr. Punch On Tour Part 12

[Ill.u.s.tration: Scene--_The Summit of Vesuvius_

_American Tourist_ (_to the world at large_). "Great snakes, it reminds me of h.e.l.l!"

_English Tourist._ "My dear, how these Americans _do_ travel!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Friend_ (_below_). "All you've got to do when I throw you the rope is to make it fast to that projection over your head, and lower yourself down!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "THE CHURCH-GOING BELL"

Sunday morning, coast of Norway. (_By our Yachting Artist._)]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Parson._ "Yes, on one occasion I married four couples in a quarter of an hour. Quick work, wasn't it?"

_Nautical Young Lady._ "Yes, rather! Sixteen knots an hour!"]

TO MY AIRs.h.i.+P

[_The poet is being piloted on his aerial flight by a prosaic mechanician. It is to the latter that the interpolations are due._]

Thou elfin Puck, thou child of master mind!

(Look out! the ballast's slipping off behind.) Thou swanlike Siren of the blue sublime!

(Screw up that nut, and never mind the rhyme.)

Thine 'tis to fathom aether's highest pole!

(This wind will fairly get us in a hole.) Thine to explore the azure-vaulted dome!

(I wonder how the deuce we're going home.)

Up, up, thou speedest, flaunting, flaunting high, Thy glist'ring frame emblazon'd 'gainst the sky; And myriad-minded fancies still pursue Thy gliding--(Blow! the anchor's fouled the screw!)

Thou stormy petrel, kissing heaven's height, (Petrol! The rotten stuff declines to light) Onward thou soarest o'er the City's dust s.h.i.+mmering, triumphant. (Gad! The motor's bust!)

_Q._ Give the French for "a policeman's beat." _A._ _Un tour de Force._

_Q._ What is the difference between a traveller and a popular vegetable?

_A._ One has been abroad and the other's a broad bean.

[_Exit Querier rapidly._

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE AMERICAN RUSH.--_American Tourist._ "Say, how long will it take to see over the ruins?"

_Caretaker._ "About an hour, sir."

_American Tourist._ "And how long will it take you to tell us about it?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "Is this your favourite view, poppa darling?"

"Why, certainly. But--ahem!--I prefer it _unframed_!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: COLD COMFORT.--_Visitor to the West Indies_ (_who has been warned against bathing in the river because of alligators, but has been told by the boatman that there are none at the river's mouth_). "By jove, this is ripping! But, I say, how do you know there are no alligators here?"

_Boatman._ "Well, you see, sah, de alligator am so turr'ble feared ob de shark!"]

OVER THE SEA.

DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I read that two new cures for sea sickness have just been discovered: the one the eating of bananas; the other, found out by Professor Heinz, of Erlangen, who declares that the malady proceeds from the lobe of the brain, and that to avert it one has only to breathe freely. As to the Professor's theory about breathing freely, I can safely a.s.sert that I never open my mouth so wide as when crossing the Channel, but the experiment is an unpleasant failure.

Your obedient servant,

DIONYSIUS DABELRISK.

_Peckham Rye._

AT THE GRAND HOTEL, PARIS.--_Blithers_ (_of romantic turn of mind, to Smithers, after observing a young couple in close conversation in the court yard_). I'm sure they're engaged. I heard her call him Harry!

_Smithers_ (_a matter-of-fact man_). What of that? I call my housemaid Emily! He's most probably her footman.

[_Smithers calls for absinthe._

[Ill.u.s.tration: WELL MEANT, BUT----. _Motorist_ (_with heated cylinders_). "Where can I get some water?"

_Rustic._ "There beant noo watter hereaboots--but ye can have a sup at my tea!"]