Nelka Part 12

Despite an often tragic look on life and a serious questioning of its purposes, despite a great deal of sorrow which she always felt very deeply, despite an often sad expression on her face in her photographs, Nelka had a great deal of natural gaiety and a tremendous sense of humor. She was always ready to see the funny qualities of people or the funny side of events and could laugh with a great deal of abandon.

Despite her strong Russian nationalism, Nelka was fundamentally cosmopolitan. Having had a diversified education in various countries, speaking four languages and having traveled extensively through many countries, she had a cosmopolitan mind and outlook and was perfectly at home in any country and with any nationality, in any surrounding.

Nelka's mind was always a very philosophical mind and which was never at rest. I have never known anyone who did so much constant thinking.

She was always thinking, her mind never idle, always trying to "think things out." Many people are ready or willing to just "accept." Nelka was never ready to just "accept." She would accept only after she had thought it out and could accept it as a result of her own thinking.

Perhaps the most striking change in her outlook and belief was the question of war. She had been a strong militarist; that is, that she understood and justified and accepted war. In fact she considered that this was the only right att.i.tude that one could have and that the willingness to go to war for an idea or a principle could not be questioned. Thus, she had partic.i.p.ated in three Wars.

But then later, having seen all the horrors of war, its utter futility, absurdity and uselessness and most of all its immorality and its contradictions to the principles of the teachings of Christ, she became an uncompromising and militant pacifist.

Very characteristic of Nelka was her att.i.tude towards all action and activities motivated for a principle. She was never worried or seeking results. She always said that one should do the right thing as one understood it and not worry about the results, those will take care of themselves. If you did the right thing, the result was bound to come, but should not be the goal in itself--the goal only being to try to do the maximum according to one's understanding. A very admirable conception but one which it is not easy to accept by most who only seek results and often with means which might not be the right ones. The concept that the end justifies the means was certainly the absolute opposite of what she was either seeking or believing.

It took courage to advocate such beliefs and even perhaps more courage to be able to turn around and so fundamentally change the beliefs from the ones held to the ones now accepted. But the concept of accepting only that which one understands at the given time, applied just as much to the beliefs first held as to the ones ultimately accepted.

Nelka was never afraid physically, but she was also never afraid morally.

I think after our marriage and also the circ.u.mstances of the Revolution Nelka lost some of her restlessness. Marriage for better or worse was an achievement and carried with it an obligation and a purpose. She took the acceptance of marriage as a completeness and a fusion of two persons into one. This in itself was an anchor which held back the former restlessness.

Also the Russia she loved so was gone as a practical and possible ent.i.ty and only a memory of a past devotion remained. Therefore, both marriage and the Revolution brought about a stabilization of feelings and a concentration as well. There was less possible diversion and this brought a mental calm and satisfaction. There was less searching or even the necessity for it.

Her loyalty to the principles of marriage was complete like everything else in her life to which she never gave less than completeness. She always was looking for one hundred percent and nothing less would do.

In later years of her life and after our marriage, Nelka settled much more mentally and morally and seemed to find many of the answers she had so long been seeking. And this, not because of the external differences of life or the establishment of a marital status, but rather as the result of certain new currents of thought which came as a result of the study of Theosophy and the wisdom of the East.

While I cannot claim any personal influence which I may have contributed, there certainly was no divergence and thus no upsetting uncertainties. I think we were blessed in that way that we helped each other and followed largely the same path of mental a.n.a.lysis hand in hand.

I feel and consider that I was exceptionally privileged in my life to have had such a mate, such a guide, such a helper, such a companion.

She never married before because she had not found the completeness of feeling. I am grateful and happy to think that she found that completeness with me, which I hope I was able to give her at least in a measure.

She gave me the complete devotion and love which she did for a very happy existence and complete understanding between us for 45 years.

I, at least, understood what a very extraordinary person she was and what a blessing had been bestowed on me for having had her for my own.

Nelka--a unique name for a unique person.