The Uncollected Writings of Thomas de Quincey Volume II Part 11

'Ah! my darling!' said he, laughing, 'just mind Juno: have an eye to Juno, my darling;' and for Juno's sake he suppressed the '_old witch_,'

that his lips were itching a second time to be delivered of.

CHAPTER VII.

MR. SCHNACKENBERGER IS ENAMOURED, AND OF WHOM; AND WHAT PROSPECTS OPEN UPON HIM IN HIS PURSUIT OF 'LA BELLE Pa.s.sION.'

At the hotel of the princess, all the resources of good taste and hospitality were called forth to give _eclat_ to the _fete_, and do honour to the day; and by ten o'clock, a very numerous and brilliant company had already a.s.sembled.

So much the more astounding must have been the entry of Mr. Jeremiah Schnackenberger; who, by the way, was already familiar to the eyes of many, from his very public entrance into the city on the preceding evening, and to others from his morning's exhibition on the golden sow.

His eyes and his thoughts being occupied by the single image of the fascinating hostess, of course it no more occurred to him to remark that his self-constructed coat was detaching itself at every step from its linings, whilst the pockets of the ci-devant surtout still displayed their original enormity of outline--than in general it would ever have occurred to him that the _tout ensemble_ of his costume was likely to make, and _had_, in fact, made a very great sensation.

This very general attention to Mr. Schnackenberger, and the total unconsciousness of this honour on the part of Mr. Schnackenberger himself, did not escape the notice of the princess; and, at the first opportunity, she dispatched a gentleman to draw his attention to the indecorum of his dress--and to put him in the way of making the proper alterations. Laughter and vexation struggled in Mr. Schnackenberger's mind, when he became aware of the condition of his equipments: and he very gladly accompanied the amba.s.sador of his hostess into a private room, where clothes and shoes were furnished him, in which he looked like any other reasonable man. On his return to the ball-room, he lost no time in making his acknowledgments to the princess, and explaining the cause of his unbecoming attire. The princess, with a natural goodness of heart and true hospitality, was anxious to do what she could to restore her strange guest to satisfaction with himself, and to establish him in some credit with the company: she had besides discovered with pleasure that amidst all his absurdities, Mr.

Schnackenberger was really a man of some ability: on these several considerations, therefore, she exerted herself to maintain a pretty long conversation with him; which honour Mr. Jeremiah so far misinterpreted, as to ascribe it to an interest of a very tender character. To Mr.

Schnackenberger, who had taken up the very extraordinary conceit that his large person had some attractions about it, there could naturally be nothing very surprising in all this: and he felt himself called upon not to be wanting to himself, but to push his good fortune. Accordingly, he kept constantly about the person of the princess: let her move in what direction she would, there was Mr. Jeremiah Schnackenberger at hand ready to bewitch her with his conversation; and, having discovered that she was an amateur of botany, and purposed visiting a botanical garden on the following day, he besieged her with offers of his services in the capacity of guide.

'Possibly, when the time comes,' said the princess, aloud, 'I shall avail myself of your goodness;' and the visible displeasure, with which she withdrew herself from his worrying importunities, so obviously disposed all the bystanders to smile--that Mr. Schnackenberger himself became alive to his own _betise_, and a blush of shame and vexation suffused his countenance. What served at the moment greatly to exasperate these feelings, was the behaviour of a certain Mr. Von Pilsen--who had from the first paid uncommon attention to the very extraordinary phenomenon presented by Mr. Schnackenberger's person--had watched the whole course of the persecutions with which he had distressed the princess--and at this moment seemed quite unable to set any bounds to his laughter. In extreme dudgeon, Mr. Schnackenberger hastened into one of the most remote apartments, and flung himself back upon a sofa. Covering his, eyes with his hands, he saw none of the numbers who pa.s.sed by him. But the first time that he looked up, behold!

a paper was lying upon his breast. He examined it attentively; and found the following, words written in pencil, to all appearance by a female hand: 'We are too narrowly watched in this place. To-morrow morning about nine o'clock! The beautiful botanic gardens will secure us a fortunate rendezvous.'

'Aye,' said Mr. Jeremiah, 'sure enough it's from her!' He read the note again and again: and the more unhappy he had just now been, so much the more was he now intoxicated with his dawning felicities.

CHAPTER VIII.

IN WHICH JUNO PLAYS A PRINc.i.p.aL PART.

The rattling of a chain through cras.h.i.+ng gla.s.s and porcelain, which spread alarm through the ball-room, would hardly have drawn Mr.

Schnackenberger's attention in his present condition of rapturous elevation, had not the well-known voice of Juno reached his ears at the same moment. He hurried after the sound--shocked, and to be shocked. The fact was simply this: Juno had very early in the evening withdrawn herself from the _surveillance_ of the Golden Sow, and had followed her master's steps. Often ejected from the mansion of the princess, she had as often returned; so that at last it was thought best to chain her up in the garden. Unfortunately, a kitten belonging to a young female attendant of the princess had suddenly run past; Juno made a rush after it; the chain broke away from the woodwork of the kennel; the panic-struck kitten retreated into the house--taking the first road which presented: close upon the rear of the kitten pressed Juno and her chain; close upon the rear of Juno pressed the young woman in anguish for her kitten's life, and armed with a fly-flapper; and, the road happening to lead into the ball-room, the whole train--pursuers and pursued--helter-skelter fell into the quarters of the waltzers. The kitten attempted to take up a position behind a plateau on one of the side-boards: but from this she was immediately dislodged by Juno; and the retreat commencing afresh right across the side-boards which were loaded with refreshments, all went to wreck--gla.s.ses and china, all was afloat--sherbet and lemonade, raspberry-vinegar and orgeat: and at the very moment when Mr. Jeremiah returned, the belligerent powers dripping with celestial nectar--having just charged up a column of dancers--were wheeling through the door by which he had entered: and the first check to the wrath of Juno was the seasonable arrest of her master's voice.

That the displeasure of the dancers, who had been discomposed and besprinkled by Juno, fell entirely upon her master, was pretty evident from their faces. Of all the parties concerned, however, none was more irritated than the young woman; she was standing upon the stairs, caressing and fondling her kitten, as Mr. Schnackenberger went down, leading Juno in his pocket-handkerchief; and she let drop some such very audible hints upon the ill-breeding and boorishness of certain pretended gentlemen, that Mr. Schnackenberger would, without doubt, have given her a very severe reprimand--if he had not thought it more dignified to affect to overlook her.

CHAPTER IX.

WHICH TREATS OF EXPERIMENTS NOT VERY COMMON AT BIRTHDAY _FeTES_.

'Now, my dears,' said Mr. Von Pilsen to a party who were helping him to laugh at the departed Mr. Schnackenberger, 'as soon as the fellow returns, we must get him into our party at supper.'

'Returns?' exclaimed another; 'why I should fancy he had had enough of birthday _fetes_ for one life.'

'You think so?' said Von Pilsen: 'so do not I. No, no, my good creature; I flatter myself that I go upon pretty sure grounds: I saw those eyes which he turned upon the princess on making his exit: and mind what I say, he takes his beast home, and----comes back again. Therefore, be sure, and get him amongst us at supper, and set the barrel abroach. I wouldn't for all the world the monster should go away untapped.'

The words were scarce uttered, when, sure enough, the body, or 'barrel,'

of Mr. Schnackenberger did roll into the room for a second time.

Forthwith Von Pilsen and his party made up to him; and Pilsen having first with much art laboured to efface any suspicions which might have possessed the student's mind in consequence of his former laughter, proceeded to thank him for the very extraordinary sport which his dog had furnished; and protested that he must be better acquainted with him.

'Why, as to _that_,' said Mr. Schnackenberger, 'a better acquaintance must naturally be very agreeable to me. But, in respect to the dog, and what you call the sport, I'm quite of another opinion; and would give all I'm worth that it had not happened.'

'Oh! no,' they all declared; 'the _fete_ would have wanted its most brilliant features if Mr. Schnackenberger or his dog had been absent.

No, no: without flattery he must allow them to call him the richest fund of amus.e.m.e.nt--the brightest attraction of the evening.' But Schnackenberger shook his head incredulously; said he wished he could think so: but with a deep sigh he persisted in his own opinion; in which he was the more confirmed, when he perceived that the princess, who was now pa.s.sing him to the supper-room, turned away her eyes the moment she perceived him.

In this state of mind Mr. Jeremiah naturally, but unconsciously, lent himself to the designs of his new acquaintances. Every gla.s.s that the devil of mischief and of merry malice poured out, did the devil of Schnackenberger's despair drink off; until at last the latter devil was tolerably well drowned in wine.

About this time enter Juno again--being her second (and positively last) appearance upon these boards. Mr. Jeremiah's new friends paid so much homage to the promising appearance of her jaws, that they made room for her very respectfully as she pressed up to her master. He, whose recent excesses in wine had re-established Juno in the plenitude of her favour, saw with approving calmness his female friend lay both her fore-paws on the table--and appropriate all that remained on his plate, to the extreme astonishment of all present.

'My friend,' said Mr. Jeremiah, to a footman who was on the point of pulling away the unbidden guest, 'don't you, for G.o.d's sake, get into any trouble. My Juno understands no jesting on these occasions: and it might so happen that she would leave a mark of her remembrance with you, that you would not forget so long as you lived.'

'But I suppose, Sir, you won't expect that a dog can be allowed to sup with her Highness's company!'

'Oh! faith, Sir, credit me--the dog is a more respectable member of society than yourself, and many a one here present: so just leave me and my Juno unmolested. Else I may, perhaps, take the trouble to make an example of you.'

The princess, whose attention was now drawn, made a sign to the servant to retire; and Von Pilsen and his friends could scarcely keep down their laughter to a well-bred key, when Mr. Schnackenberger drew his pipe from his pocket--loaded it--lit it at one of the chandeliers over the supper-table--and, in one minute, wrapped the whole neighbourhood in a voluminous cloud of smoke.

As some little damper to their merriment, however, Mr. Schnackenberger addressed a few words to them from time to time:--'You laugh, gentlemen,' said he; 'and, doubtless, there's something or other very amusing,--no doubt, infinitely amusing, if one could but find it out.

However, I could make your appet.i.tes for laughing vanish--aye, vanish in one moment. For, understand me now, one word--one little word from me to Juno, and, in two minutes, the whole room shall be as empty as if it had been swept out with a broom. Just the first that I look at, no matter whom, she catches by the breast--aye, just you, Sir, or you, Sir, or you, Mr. Von Pilsen,' (fixing his eye upon him) 'if I do but say--seize him, Juno!' The word had fled: and in the twinkling of an eye, Juno's fore-paws, not over clean, were fixed in the elegant white silk waistcoat of Mr. Von Pilsen.

This scene was the signal for universal uproar and alarm. Even Mr.

Jeremiah, on remarking the general rising of the company, though totally unaware that his harmless sport had occasioned it, rose also; called the dog off: and comforted Von Pilsen, who was half dead with fright, by a.s.suring him that had he but said--'Bite him, Juno!'--matters would have ended far worse.

On Mr. Schnackenberger's standing up, his bodily equilibrium was manifestly so much endangered, that one of the company, out of mere humanity, offered his servant to see him safe home. A slight consciousness of his own condition induced our hero to accept of this offer: through some misunderstanding, however, the servant led him, not to the Golden Sow, but to the Double-barrelled Gun.

Mr. Schnackenberger, on being asked for his number, said 'No. 5;' that being the number of his room at the Golden Sow. He was accordingly shown up to No. 5: and, finding a bed under an alcove, he got into it dressed as he was; and, in one moment, had sunk into a profound slumber.

CHAPTER X.

WHICH NARRATES AN ENGAGEMENT ON UNEQUAL TERMS--FIRST FOR ONE SIDE, THEN FOR THE OTHER.

Half an hour after came the true claimant; who, being also drunk, went right up-stairs without troubling the waiter; and forthwith getting into bed, laid himself right upon Mr. Jeremiah Schnackenberger.

'D----n this heavy quilt,' said the student, waking up and recollecting the hundred-pounder of the preceding night; and, without further ceremony, he kicked the supposed quilt into the middle of the room.

Now began war: for the 'quilt' rose up without delay; and Mr.

Schnackenberger, who had been somewhat worse handled than his opponent by the devil of drunkenness, would doubtless have come by the worst, had he not in his extremity e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed 'Juno!' whereupon she, putting aside all selfish considerations, which at the moment had fastened her to a leg of mutton in the kitchen, rushed up on the summons of duty, and carried a reinforcement that speedily turned the scale of victory. The alarm, which this hubbub created, soon brought to the field of battle the whole population of the inn, in a very picturesque variety of night-dresses; and the intruding guest would in all likelihood have been kicked back to the Golden Sow; but that the word of command to the irritated Juno, which obviously trembled on his lips, was deemed worthy of very particular attention and respect.