Traffics and Discoveries Part 18

"'Ow did you get 'im?" said McBride, professional humorist, quietly filching the English weekly from under Copper's armpit.

"On the chin--while 'e was waggin' it at me."

"What is 'e? 'Nother Colonial rebel to be 'orribly disenfranchised, or a Cape Minister, or only a loyal farmer with dynamite in both boots. Tell us all about it, Burjer!"

"You leave my prisoner alone," said Private Copper. "'E's 'ad losses an'

trouble; an' it's in the family too. 'E thought I never read the papers, so 'e kindly lent me his very own _Jerrold's Weekly_--an' 'e explained it to me as patronisin' as a--as a militia subaltern doin' Railway Staff Officer. 'E's a left-over from Majuba--one of the worst kind, an' 'earin'

the evidence as I did, I don't exactly blame 'im. It was this way."

To the picket Private Copper held forth for ten minutes on the life- history of his captive. Allowing for some purple patches, it was an absolute fair rendering.

"But what I dis-liked was this baccy-priggin' beggar, 'oo's people, on 'is own showin', couldn't 'ave been more than thirty or forty years in the coun--on this Gawd-forsaken dust-'eap, comin' the squire over me. They're all parsons--we know _that_, but parson _an'_ squire is a bit too thick for Alf Copper. Why, I caught 'im in the shameful act of tryin' to start a aristocracy on a gun an' a wagon an' a _shambuk_! Yes; that's what it was: a bloomin' aristocracy."

"No, it weren't," said McBride, at length, on the dirt, above the purloined weekly. "You're the aristocrat, Alf. Old _Jerrold's_ givin' it you 'ot. You're the uneducated 'ireling of a callous aristocracy which 'as sold itself to the 'Ebrew financier. Meantime, Ducky"--he ran his finger down a column of a.s.sorted paragraphs--"you're slakin' your brutal instincks in furious excesses. Shriekin' women an' desolated 'omesteads is what you enjoy, Alf ..., Halloa! What's a smokin' 'ektacomb?"

"'Ere! Let's look. 'Aven't seen a proper spicy paper for a year. Good old _Jerrold's!"_ Pinewood and Moppet, reservists, flung themselves on McBride's shoulders, pinning him to the ground.

"Lie over your own bloomin' side of the bed, an' we can all look," he protested.

"They're only po-ah Tommies," said Copper, apologetically, to the prisoner. "Po-ah unedicated Khakis. _They_ don't know what they're fightin' for. They're lookin' for what the diseased, lying, drinkin' white stuff that they come from is sayin' about 'em!"

The prisoner set down his tin of coffee and stared helplessly round the circle.

"I--I don't understand them."

The Canadian sergeant, picking his teeth with a thorn, nodded sympathetically:

"If it comes to that, _we_ don't in my country!... Say, boys, when you're through with your English mail you might's well provide an escort for your prisoner. He's waitin'."

"Arf a mo', Sergeant," said McBride, still reading.

"'Ere's Old Barbarity on the ramp again with some of 'is lady friends, 'oo don't like concentration camps. Wish they'd visit ours. Pinewood's a married man. He'd know how to be'ave!"

"Well, I ain't goin' to amuse my prisoner alone. 'E's gettin' 'omesick,"

cried Copper. "One of you thieves read out what's vexin' Old Barbarity an'

'is 'arem these days. You'd better listen, Burjer, because, afterwards, I'm goin' to fall out an' perpetrate those nameless barbarities all over you to keep up the reputation of the British Army."

From that English weekly, to bar out which a large and perspiring staff of Press censors toiled seven days of the week at Cape Town, did Pinewood of the Reserve read unctuously excerpts of the speeches of the accredited leaders of His Majesty's Opposition. The night-picket arrived in the middle of it, but stayed entranced without paying any compliments, till Pinewood had entirely finished the leading article, and several occasional notes.

"Gentlemen of the jury," said Alf Copper, hitching up what war had left to him of trousers--"you've 'eard what 'e's been fed up with. _Do_ you blame the beggar? 'Cause I don't! ... Leave 'im alone, McBride. He's my first and only cap-ture, an' I'm goin' to walk 'ome with 'im, ain't I, Ducky?

... Fall in, Burjer. It's Bermuda, or Umballa, or Ceylon for you--and I'd give a month's pay to be in your little shoes."

As not infrequently happens, the actual moving off the ground broke the prisoner's nerve. He stared at the tinted hills round him, gasped and began to struggle--kicking, swearing, weeping, and fluttering all together.

"Pore beggar--oh pore, _pore_ beggar!" said Alf, leaning in on one side of him, while Pinewood blocked him on the other.

"Let me go! Let me go! Mann, I tell you, let me go----"

"'E screams like a woman!" said McBride. "They'll 'ear 'im five miles off."

"There's one or two ought to 'ear 'im--in England," said Copper, putting aside a wildly waving arm.

"Married, ain't 'e?" said Pinewood. "I've seen 'em go like this before-- just at the last. '_Old_ on, old man, No one's goin' to 'urt you."

The last of the sun threw the enormous shadow of a kopje over the little, anxious, wriggling group.

"Quit that," said the Serjeant of a sudden. "You're only making him worse.

Hands _up_, prisoner! Now you get a holt of yourself, or this'll go off."

And indeed the revolver-barrel square at the man's panting chest seemed to act like a tonic; he choked, recovered himself, and fell in between Copper and Pinewood.

As the picket neared the camp it broke into song that was heard among the officers' tents:

'E sent us 'is blessin' from London town, (The beggar that kep' the cordite down,) But what do we care if 'e smile or frown, The beggar that kep' the cordite down?

The mildly nefarious Wildly barbarious Beggar that kept the cordite down!

Said a captain a mile away: "Why are they singing _that?_ We haven't had a mail for a month, have we?"

An hour later the same captain said to his servant: "Jenkins, I understand the picket have got a--got a newspaper off a prisoner to-day. I wish you could lay hands on it, Jenkins. Copy of the _Times_, I think."

"Yes, Sir. Copy of the _Times_, Sir," said Jenkins, without a quiver, and went forth to make his own arrangements.

"Copy of the _Times_" said the blameless Alf, from beneath his blanket. "I ain't a member of the Soldier's Inst.i.toot. Go an' look in the reg'mental Readin'-room--Veldt Row, Kopje Street, second turnin' to the left between 'ere an' Naauwport."

Jenkins summarised briefly in a tense whisper the thing that Alf Copper need not be.

"But my particular copy of the _Times_ is specially pro'ibited by the censor from corruptin' the morals of the Army. Get a written order from K.

o' K., properly countersigned, an' I'll think about it."

"I've got all _you_ want," said Jenkins. "'Urry up. I want to 'ave a squint myself."

Something gurgled in the darkness, and Private Copper fell back smacking his lips.

"Gawd bless my prisoner, and make me a good boy. Amen. 'Ere you are, Jenkins. It's dirt cheap at a tot."

STEAM TACTICS

THE NECESSITARIAN

I know not in whose hands are laid To empty upon earth From unsuspected ambuscade The very Urns of Mirth:

Who bids the Heavenly Lark arise And cheer our solemn round-- The Jest beheld with streaming eyes And grovellings on the ground;

Who joins the flats of Time and Chance Behind the prey preferred, And thrones on Shrieking Circ.u.mstance The Sacredly Absurd,