The Tower, the Zoo and the Tortoise Part 9

The chaplain followed him to number seven Tower Green, hoping to be waylaid by the chairwoman of the Richard III Appreciation Society. But the bench outside the White Tower was empty. The Yeoman Gaoler opened the door and stepped back to allow him in. The chaplain immediately headed down the hall, calling out behind him: "Shall we have a nice cup of tea before we get started? I haven't had my breakfast yet."

The Yeoman Gaoler caught up with him and blocked the way to the kettle. "I'd rather get on with it, if you don't mind," he replied.

Rev. Septimus Drew peered at the cage on the table. "What's that?" he asked.

"It's the Queen's Etruscan shrew."

"Let's have a look."

The Yeoman Gaoler picked up the cage and put it on the counter behind him. "I'm sorry, it's of a nervous disposition. The dining room is through here," he said, leading the way.

The clergyman followed and immediately went to inspect the Yeoman Gaoler's long-handled Tudor axe propped up in the corner, which he carried during special ceremonies. "Your predecessors used this when escorting prisoners to and from their trials at Westminster, didn't they?" asked the chaplain, studying it. "Am I right in thinking that if the blade was turned towards the prisoner, it meant that they had just been sentenced to death?"

"Aren't you meant to sprinkle some holy water around, or something?" asked the Yeoman Gaoler, ignoring the question.

"Quite right, quite right," the clergyman replied, patting his ca.s.sock pockets for his vial. He then bowed his head, recited a quick prayer, and walked around the room scattering its contents.

"There we are," he announced with a smile. "All done!"

The Yeoman Gaoler looked at him dumbfounded. "Is that it? Don't you have to ask it to leave or something?"

The chaplain covered his mouth with his hand. "Do I?" he asked.

The two men looked at each other.

"No, no, that's so last century," the clergyman announced, dismissing the suggestion with a bat of his hand. "Right then, I'd better be off," he added, heading for the front door.

As the Yeoman Gaoler watched the clergyman stride back across Tower Green, his red ca.s.sock flapping, he felt the unease of the duped. He walked back to the kitchen, opened the cage, and offered the Etruscan shrew another cricket, which it sniffed with its pointed velvet nose.

HEBE JONES FOUND A NOTE on the kitchen table from Valerie Jennings saying that she had gone to work early to sort a few things out. As she sat at the table eating a bowl of Special K, having found nothing more substantial in her colleague's cupboards, she looked around at the still unfamiliar surroundings and wondered how long she should stay. While Valerie Jennings had told her that the spare room was hers for as long as she needed it, and had done everything possible to make her feel at home, she didn't want to outstay her welcome. As she stood at the sink and washed her dish, she decided it was time to dip into the money she had saved for Milo's university education and rent a flat until the tenants' lease was up on their home in Catford. on the kitchen table from Valerie Jennings saying that she had gone to work early to sort a few things out. As she sat at the table eating a bowl of Special K, having found nothing more substantial in her colleague's cupboards, she looked around at the still unfamiliar surroundings and wondered how long she should stay. While Valerie Jennings had told her that the spare room was hers for as long as she needed it, and had done everything possible to make her feel at home, she didn't want to outstay her welcome. As she stood at the sink and washed her dish, she decided it was time to dip into the money she had saved for Milo's university education and rent a flat until the tenants' lease was up on their home in Catford.

When she arrived at the Lost Property Office, she thought she could smell wet paint. a.s.suming the odour was coming in through the open window, she put the thought out of her mind and went to make them both some tea. As she waited for the water to boil, she looked down at the safe, firmly closed lest the cleaners make off with its contents, and hoped that her colleague would remember the combination of numbers.

"Did you find everything you needed for breakfast?" Valerie Jennings asked, emerging from the bookshelves.

"Yes, thanks," she replied, looking up. She was instantly reminded that her colleague was meeting Arthur Catnip for lunch again. Valerie Jennings had clearly searched deep within her wardrobe for something suitably flattering, only to retrieve a frock of utter indifference to fas.h.i.+on. There had been an attempt to tame her hair, which seemed to have been abandoned, and the fuzzy results were clipped to the back of her head.

"You look nice," said Hebe Jones.

Both women sat down at their desks and got on with the business of reuniting lost possessions with their absentminded owners. It was only when Hebe Jones got up to make another cup of tea that she noticed the flagrant transformation. "The magician's box is pink," she said, a hand over her mouth.

Valerie Jennings turned round, one eye enlarged by the magnifying gla.s.s she was using to scrutinise the ancient ma.n.u.script they had found in the safe. "I thought I'd give it a bit of spruce up," she said.

Returning to her seat, Hebe Jones studied the lotus leaf embroidery on one of the Chinese slippers whose owner she was still trying to trace, and kept her thoughts about her colleague's behaviour to herself. Valerie Jennings had been more than good to her by offering her the spare room when she was too ashamed to ask one of her sisters to put her up. Each evening, instead of asking her questions she couldn't bear to answer, she had simply installed her in the armchair with the pop-up leg rest with a gla.s.s of wine. And while she didn't cook their supper with the talent of her sisters, it was certainly with the love of one.

Shortly after her quartered apple for elevenses, Hebe Jones's stomach emitted a roll of thunder, and she fetched her turquoise coat from the stand next to the inflatable doll and announced that she was just popping out for something.

As soon as she was gone, Valerie Jennings slipped her hand into her black handbag, withdrew a paperback, and returned it to its place on the bookshelf. As she scanned the shelves for her next fix, the Swiss cowbell sounded. Irritated at being interrupted during her favourite part of the day, she turned the corner. Standing at the counter was a tall man wearing a black top hat and a matching cape that flowed down to the floor. Tucked under his arm was a wand.

"I've come to see Valerie Jennings," he announced, throwing one side of his cape over his shoulder, revealing the red silk lining.

"Oh, yes, I've been expecting you," she said, opening the hatch. "Come this way."

She led him through the office and stopped in front of the magician's box that she had repainted that morning, so that Hebe Jones wouldn't be deprived of her sanctuary. The man ran a white-gloved hand along the surface. "How strange," he said. "It's exactly the same as mine apart from the colour. It's even got the same marks on the wood where I didn't cut straight."

Valerie Jennings folded her arms across her plump chest and looked at the prop. "I'm sure it doesn't help when the glamorous a.s.sistant starts screeching," she said. "It must be difficult telling whether she's just putting it on for the audience, or whether you're actually sawing her in half. Anyway, if it's not the right one, I'll show you out. If you'd like to follow me ..."

When the Swiss cowbell sounded just before noon, Valerie Jennings's heart leapt. She covered her lips with another coat of Lilac Haze and walked to the coat stand in the shoes that forced her toes into two red triangles. But when she turned the corner, instead of the tattooed ticket inspector, she found a woman in a duffel coat and beret in tears. "Has anyone handed in a boot?" she enquired, gripping the edge of the counter.

It was no ordinary boot, she went on to explain, as it had once belonged to Edgar Evans, the Welsh petty officer who had died while returning from the South Pole under the command of Captain Scott. The curator recounted how she had suddenly fled the carriage when she realised that she was travelling south on the Northern Line instead of north as the name suggested. Only when the doors had shut did it occur to her that she had left behind the historic footwear, which was to be triumphantly united with its mate, for decades the crowning glory of Swansea Museum, labelled simply as "Evans's Boot."

Hunting amongst the shelves, Valerie Jennings eventually found it next to a pair of angling waders in the footwear section. When she returned to the counter with it, considerably hotter and crosser, the woman promptly burst into tears again and subjected her to an oral biography of Edgar Evans, warning her never to confuse him with Teddy Evans, Scott's second-in-command on the expedition.

"Good gracious me, I wouldn't dream of confusing him with Teddy Teddy Evans," Valerie Jennings a.s.sured her, snapping the ledger shut to signal an end to the Antarctic ramble. Just as she was sliding it onto the shelf below the counter Arthur Catnip arrived. The battleground of his hair had been razed with the pomade that his barber had given him as recompense for the previous a.s.sault, and it now bore the s.h.i.+ne of an ice rink. Evans," Valerie Jennings a.s.sured her, snapping the ledger shut to signal an end to the Antarctic ramble. Just as she was sliding it onto the shelf below the counter Arthur Catnip arrived. The battleground of his hair had been razed with the pomade that his barber had given him as recompense for the previous a.s.sault, and it now bore the s.h.i.+ne of an ice rink.

Instantly regretting not having taken off her coat as she had started to sweat, Valerie Jennings accompanied him to the street, wondering where they were going. Eventually she found that they were in Regent's Park again, and the ticket inspector pointed to a bench by the fountain, suggesting that they sit down.

"I've brought a picnic," he announced, as he opened his rucksack and spread a rug on her knees. "Let me know if you get cold."

As Valerie Jennings helped herself to a roast pork sandwich, she told him that, according to the papers, there had been two further sightings of the bearded pig in Ess.e.x and East Anglia. Arthur Catnip replied that if he spotted it in his garden, he would never tell the press as the last thing he'd want would be a herd of journalists trampling all over his vegetable patch.

He offered her a pastry parcel, which Valerie Jennings eyed suspiciously. After her first mouthful, she congratulated him on his salmon en croute and told him that she'd once gone salmon fis.h.i.+ng with her ex-husband, and had been so bored that she threw herself into the river so that they would have to go home. Arthur Catnip helped himself to a tomato and replied that he had once thrown a sailor overboard after he made a comment about his then wife, but immediately dived in to rescue him as he realised that the man had a point.

As the ticket inspector looked at the fountain, he recalled the time he poured car anti-freeze into the garden pond one winter, as his biology teacher had told him that the fish in Antarctica had anti-freeze in their blood so they wouldn't freeze solid. But when he went back to check on them, all his father's koi carp had died. Wiping a corner of her mouth on her napkin, Valerie Jennings told him how she had just handled a boot that had belonged to Teddy Evans, the petty officer who died on his way back from Scott's ill-fated trek to the South Pole. He was not, she pointed out, to be confused with Edgar Evans, Scott's second-in-command on the same expedition.

ONCE THE TOWER HAD CLOSED, Balthazar Jones, who had led the last tour of the day, headed to the aviary, his nose numb with cold. It had been a particularly busy afternoon, during which he had found time to take some of the tourists around the enclosures. His motivation was not so much to act as a guide-maps had been produced indicating where each animal was housed-as to keep an eye on his charges. He had already noticed that a number of the sightseers were offloading their sandwiches and pastries bought in error from the Tower Cafe onto the glutton. But even the creature with the enormous appet.i.te had refused them, and the waste was piling up in its pen. Balthazar Jones, who had led the last tour of the day, headed to the aviary, his nose numb with cold. It had been a particularly busy afternoon, during which he had found time to take some of the tourists around the enclosures. His motivation was not so much to act as a guide-maps had been produced indicating where each animal was housed-as to keep an eye on his charges. He had already noticed that a number of the sightseers were offloading their sandwiches and pastries bought in error from the Tower Cafe onto the glutton. But even the creature with the enormous appet.i.te had refused them, and the waste was piling up in its pen.

As he climbed the Brick Tower's stairs clutching a Hamleys shopping bag, he thought again of the gentleman's vest he had found and wondered why no one had come to claim it. As he pushed open the door, the King of Saxony bird of paradise jumped to a lower branch, its two blue brow feathers that stretched twice the length of its body looping gracefully through the air. The tiny hanging parrot opened one eye from its upside-down slumber and watched as the Keeper of the Royal Menagerie unlocked the wire door and entered the aviary. As he looked around, the female lovebird glided down from its perch and landed on his shoulder. Searching for a telltale pair of ugly feet, the Beefeater eventually found the wandering albatross sitting alone behind a potted tree, its black and white wings tightly drawn in. He sat down beside it and pulled from his pocket his special purchase. Unwrapping it under the continuing one-eyed gaze of the emerald parrot, he laid the organic squid flat on his palm and offered it to the melancholic bird. But the thinning creature refused to look at it. The Beefeater and albatross remained where they were, both staring into the distance, seeing nothing but their troubles. It was almost an hour later that the bird finally lifted its neck and nibbled at the gastronomic gift with its huge hooked beak, by which time the parrot had nodded off again. When it had finished eating, Balthazar Jones got to his feet, followed by the bird, which immediately shook its feathers and released a watery deposit. The Beefeater opened the shopping bag, drew out a white toy duck, the nearest thing he could find to an albatross, and placed it next to the creature before leaving.

He made his way through the gloom to the Salt Tower and closed the door behind him, feeling too defeated to climb the dank stairs to the empty living room. Sitting down on the dusty bottom step in the darkness, he rested his hairy white cheeks on his fists. His thoughts immediately found their way back to his wife, and he cursed himself for losing her. He wondered again about calling, but his conviction that he didn't deserve her chased away the thought. Eventually he stood up, and as he groped around for the light switch, his fingers brushed the door handle of Milo's bedroom, which he hadn't entered since that terrible, terrible day. Overcome by an urge to enter, he pressed down on the latch, the sharp noise echoing in the blackness. Pus.h.i.+ng open the door, he ran a hand along the rough wall for the switch and s.h.i.+elded his eyes with his hand until he got used to the light.

It took a while to take everything in. There on the wall above the neatly made-up bed was the world map which had eventually replaced the dinosaur poster he had bought his son from the Natural History Museum to help him settle into his new home. He looked at the little black cross Milo had drawn marking the mouth of the Orinoco River where his favourite prisoner, Sir Walter Raleigh, had started his search for El Dorado. On top of the chest of drawers stood the swing mirror that the Beefeater had spotted in the window of an antique shop and instantly bought, despite the imaginative price, so he wouldn't have to try mounting one on the circular walls. Next to it was a bottle of fragrant aftershave, despite the fact that the boy had been too young to need a razor, which Hebe Jones had insisted was proof that Milo was in love with Charlotte Broughton.

He approached the chest of drawers, picked up the brush, and touched the dark hairs caught in it. He remembered telling Milo that he hoped the boy had inherited his mother's genes and wouldn't turn grey as early as his father had. He stood in front of the bookshelf and bent down to read the spines. Picking up a matchbox in front of the Harry Potter novels, he pushed it open and immediately recognised the fifty-pence piece that had travelled through the boy's intestines to near lethal effect. He reached for the ammonite next to it, rubbing it between his fingers as he remembered Milo's delight at finding it. As he returned it to the shelf, he spotted a photograph between two books. He tugged it out and when he looked at the smiling picture of Charlotte Broughton standing on the battlements, he realised that his wife had been right all along.

Pulling back the chair, he sat down at the desk and ran his palms over the wood, which Hebe Jones had kept dusted. He peered at the row of folders and took one out that he recognised. Glued to the front was a piece of paper, not quite square, on which was written: "Escapes from the Tower of London."

The Beefeater opened the file, remembering the time they had spent working on it together. They had gone to see Rev. Septimus Drew, an authority on the subject, and had sat in his kitchen eating jam tarts as he launched into his dramatic renditions of nearly forty escapes. Balthazar Jones glanced at the first page, devoted to Ranulf Flambard, Bishop of Durham, the first high-profile prisoner at the Tower, who happened to also have been the first escapee. He read his son's account of how the Bishop had got his guards drunk and lowered himself down the outer wall on a rope smuggled to him in a gallon of wine.

Turning the page, he came across an essay on John Gerard, who asked his warder for oranges and wrote messages in their juice, legible when held against a candle, on seemingly innocent letters to his supporters. A plan was hatched and the Jesuit priest escaped with fellow prisoner John Arden by climbing along a rope from the Cradle Tower to the wharf. When the Beefeater had finished reading it, he recalled all the secret messages he and Milo had sent each other, much to the irritation of Hebe Jones, who could never find her oranges.

At the end of the folder, he came across several blank pages bearing just the name of a prisoner, and he imagined the high grade Milo would have received had he lived long enough to finish the project. He picked up a pencil from a pot at the back of the desk and held it where his son's fingers had once been.

Walking across to the wardrobe, he pulled open the doors. Milo's scent instantly hit him, and for a moment he couldn't move. Eventually, he raised both hands and pulled the hangers apart, remembering his son in each item of clothing. He then looked down at the shoes at the bottom of the wardrobe and thought how small they seemed. Unable to bear the familiar smell any longer, he closed the doors, switched off the light, and, groping through the darkness, started the slow journey up to his empty home.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN.

AFTER ONE FINAL CATASTROPHIC SHUDDER that travelled down to his arthritic knees, the Ravenmaster collapsed on top of Ambrosine Clarke. He lay breathing in the smell of suet from her hair as the birds continued to fly in hysterical circles in the aviary next to them. They had been startled by the chef's cries of exhalation as she slid back and forth on the wooden floorboards with each thrust of his hips. Eventually the sound of frantically beating wings subsided, and only the toucans continued carving their multi-coloured loops. that travelled down to his arthritic knees, the Ravenmaster collapsed on top of Ambrosine Clarke. He lay breathing in the smell of suet from her hair as the birds continued to fly in hysterical circles in the aviary next to them. They had been startled by the chef's cries of exhalation as she slid back and forth on the wooden floorboards with each thrust of his hips. Eventually the sound of frantically beating wings subsided, and only the toucans continued carving their multi-coloured loops.

As he pulled on his black ankle socks, he glanced at the cook, rounding up her large, white b.r.e.a.s.t.s into her bra, the top of her hair still flattened where he had gripped her head for better purchase. Taken aback, as always, by how quickly the inferno of desire could be extinguished, he reached for his uniform, covered in seed husks. As he pulled on his trousers, his stomach turned at the thought of the torment that followed their clandestine meetings. Sure enough, as soon as they were both dressed, Ambrosine Clarke reached for her basket. Ignoring the Ravenmaster's protests that his appet.i.te had deserted him, the chef unpacked its contents. As he cast an eye over the dishes, he saw that his penitence that morning was the full Victorian breakfast that she had been threatening for several weeks, which included kidneys, haddock in puff pastry, and jelly in the shape of a hare. And as the Ravenmaster forced it down, he was convinced that it was an even greater torture than that inflicted on William Wallace, whose pitiful moans from being racked were sometimes heard echoing through the Brick Tower.

The cook left first, taking care to look through the window before opening the heavy oak door. After pulling on his black leather gloves, the Ravenmaster followed her a few minutes later, the stench of the zorilla causing his stomach to turn again. As he crossed the fortress, which hadn't yet opened to the tourists, his anger at the Queen's animals being housed in the Tower smouldered more fiercely than his heartburn. The visitors had shown little interest in the ravens since the menagerie opened, despite the birds' reputed historic pedigree and their intelligence, which scientists had proved rivalled that of great apes and dolphins. He had frequently complained about the royal beasts in the Rack & Ruin, the sweetness of his orange juice no match for the bitterness spilling from his mouth. However, he rarely found the consensus that he sought. Despite their initial reservations, most of the Beefeaters had developed an affection for the animals, seduced by the glutton's breathtaking appet.i.te; the softness of the reclusive ringtail possums that fell asleep in their arms; the showmans.h.i.+p of the fancy rats, which Ruby Dore had taught to roll tiny barrels along the bar; and the charm of the blue-faced d.u.c.h.ess of York, which clambered into their laps and searched their scalps with the ruthlessness of a nit nurse.

A downpour forced the Ravenmaster into an ungainly run, and he hunched his shoulders to prevent the rain going down his collar. Suddenly the sight of a body stopped him dead in his tracks. He stared in disbelief, then rushed over, emitting a low moan of dread. As the rain pummelled his back, he knelt down on the gra.s.s and picked up the raven from a pile of bloodied feathers, searching for signs of life. But its neck lolled backwards, and its gla.s.sy eyes failed to flinch despite the rain. He hurried back home with the creature, placed it on the dining-room table, and with frantic gasps began to administer the kiss of life.

AS BALTHAZAR JONES TRUDGED through the rain, a common variety that fell in fat droplets from the brim of his hat, he noticed the Ravenmaster running in the distance and wondered what he was up to. The previous night, when he had eventually got round to doing his laundry, he picked up the vest he had found and noticed the label of a certain gentlemen's outfitters which the Ravenmaster swore by. He stood next to the was.h.i.+ng machine for a considerable time trying to work out how the man's undergarment had come to be on the Brick Tower steps, until the sight of a piece of shrivelled carrot on the floor distracted him, and he started another fruitless search for Mrs. Cook. through the rain, a common variety that fell in fat droplets from the brim of his hat, he noticed the Ravenmaster running in the distance and wondered what he was up to. The previous night, when he had eventually got round to doing his laundry, he picked up the vest he had found and noticed the label of a certain gentlemen's outfitters which the Ravenmaster swore by. He stood next to the was.h.i.+ng machine for a considerable time trying to work out how the man's undergarment had come to be on the Brick Tower steps, until the sight of a piece of shrivelled carrot on the floor distracted him, and he started another fruitless search for Mrs. Cook.

Clutching a swede for the bearded pig, the Beefeater arrived at the Bowyer Tower to feed the crested water dragons. He was greeted in the doorway by one of the sullen press officers, who had been forced to abandon their comfortable office on the ground floor in order to accommodate the bright green reptiles. Their resulting loathing of the President of Costa Rica on account of his cursed gift had stretched to a ban on coffee drinking in their cramped new premises on the first floor. Not only had the three women suffered the indignity of s.h.i.+fting their desks, but they were now faced with almost constantly ringing phones on account of the number of enquiries from around the world about the new royal menagerie.

"Ah, Yeoman Warder Jones, I was hoping to catch you," the woman said, a pink cashmere scarf wrapped around her neck. "We've had a call from one of the papers in Argentina. They're wondering where the rockhopper penguins are."

The Beefeater scratched at his wet beard. "They're at the vet's," he replied.

"Still?" she enquired.

Balthazar Jones nodded.

"I told her that, but she didn't seem to believe me," the press officer said.

The Beefeater looked into the distance. "Penguins won't be rushed," he replied.

"I see. We've also had an enquiry from the Catholic Times Catholic Times wondering why the crested water dragons are also known as Jesus Christ lizards." wondering why the crested water dragons are also known as Jesus Christ lizards."

"Because they can walk on water in emergencies," he said.

There was a pause.

"The other thing is we've had a couple of calls about the giraffes," she continued. "Who were they from again?"

The Beefeater's eyes fell to the vegetable he was holding. "The Swedes," he replied.

ONCE HE HAD FED the crested water dragons, Balthazar Jones headed through the rain for the Develin Tower, hoping the bearded pig would like its new ball. Just as he was pa.s.sing the White Tower, he heard footsteps running up behind him. The next thing he knew he was pinned up against the wall by a hand round his throat. the crested water dragons, Balthazar Jones headed through the rain for the Develin Tower, hoping the bearded pig would like its new ball. Just as he was pa.s.sing the White Tower, he heard footsteps running up behind him. The next thing he knew he was pinned up against the wall by a hand round his throat.

"Which one of the animals did it?" demanded the Ravenmaster.

"Did what?" the Beefeater managed to reply.

"Savaged one of my birds."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

The Ravenmaster pressed his face up to Balthazar Jones. "I've just found Edmund on the lawn. His leg and neck were broken. Which one was it?" he repeated.

"They're all locked up. Always have been."

The Ravenmaster increased his grip on his colleague's neck. "Well, one of them must have escaped," he hissed.

"Maybe it was a fox, or even the Chief Yeoman Warder's dog," croaked Balthazar Jones.

"I know it was something to do with you," the Ravenmaster said, then pointed a black leather finger at him and strode off.

Once he had caught his breath, Balthazar Jones readjusted his hat and picked up the swede that had tumbled to the ground. While it went against the creature's nature, he wondered whether the bearded pig was responsible, as it was the only animal he hadn't checked on that morning. But when he reached the tower, he found that the door was still locked. Glancing over his shoulder to make sure that he wasn't being watched, he turned the key. As he entered the room, the animal bounded up to him, its ta.s.selled tail flying like a flag over its fulsome b.u.t.tocks. After scratching the pig behind its ears, the Beefeater presented it with the root vegetable, which it immediately knocked across the floor and chased. He sat down on the straw, rested his back against the cold wall, and closed his eyes. Raising a hand, he felt his neck with the tips of his fingers.

After a while, he reached into his tunic pocket and drew out some of the love letters he had written to Hebe Jones all those years ago. He had taken them from her hidey-hole during the night while unable to sleep, but hadn't brought himself to read any of them. He looked at the first envelope, with its address confused by love, and took out the letter. As he began to read, he remembered the girl with dark hair meandering down the front of her turquoise dress, and her eyes of a fawn that had fixed on him in the corner shop. He remembered that first night together and their horror as they realised they would be parted in the morning. He remembered the first time they had made love during a weekend in Orford, when a power cut in the bar of the Jolly Sailor Inn, built from the timbers of wrecked s.h.i.+ps, had driven them to their room earlier than expected. The light from the candle given to them by the landlady lit up the ancient murals of s.h.i.+ps, their sails engorged with wind. And, after they had sealed their love, they promised to be with each other until they were so old they had grown a third set of teeth, just like the Indian centenarian they had read about in the paper.

As the bearded pig came to sit by him, resting a whiskered cheek on his thigh, the Beefeater unfolded another letter, feeling the creature's hot breath through his trousers. After reading the outpouring of devotion, he remembered the b.u.t.terfly that had danced above the pews during their wedding, sending each member of the Grammatikos family into raptures over such a good omen. He remembered how they had vowed to stay together forever, despite what life threw at them, and how at the time it had seemed inconceivable to do otherwise. Looking down at his old man's hands holding the letter he had composed all those years ago, he saw the scratched gold band that had never left his finger since his bride slipped it on at the altar. And he decided to write her another letter.

Carefully locking the door of the Develin Tower behind him, he headed home, a wind of hope behind him. He climbed to the top of the staircase, pressed down on the latch, and entered the room where German U-boat men had been imprisoned during the war. Ignoring the chalk swastikas and portrait of Field Marshal Goring drawn on the wall, he pulled back the wooden chair, which sc.r.a.ped mournfully against the pitching floorboards, and sat down at the table he had found in a junk shop. He selected a piece of writing paper from one of the piles and, with the same penmans.h.i.+p that hadn't altered in three decades, wrote the words "Dear Hebe."

The outpouring of affection that followed was as fulsome as it was frantic. He told his wife how the seed of their love had been planted during their first night together when she kissed the tip of each of his fingers that would have to get used to holding a gun. He told her how he had bitterly regretted having to leave her for the Army in the morning, but that the shoots of their love had grown despite the distance between them. He told her how the b.u.t.terfly had flown into the church and danced over their heads, attracted by their blossoming love. And he told her how Milo, the fruit of their love, had been his life's greatest joy, along with being her husband.

Pausing for a moment, he raised his eyes to the mantelpiece on the other side of the room, seeing nothing but their son a few hours old in his mother's arms, a moment for which they had waited so many years. But his thoughts suddenly turned to that terrible, terrible day, and the blade lodged in his heart plunged even deeper. Knowing his wife would never forgive him if she ever found out what he had done, he tore up the letter. And he sat at the table for the rest of the morning, head in his hands, bleeding with guilt as the rain pounded the windows.

WHEN THE DOOR of the cuckoo clock sprung open and the tiny wooden bird shot out to deliver eleven demented cries, Hebe Jones put out the "Back in 15 Minutes" sign and pulled down the shutter. She waited at her desk, hoping that her colleague's resolve had finally cracked. But when Valerie Jennings stood up from rummaging in the fridge, instead of the b.u.t.ter-rich dainty Hebe Jones was hoping for, she drew out the same green apples that her colleague had had to endure longer than she cared to remember. of the cuckoo clock sprung open and the tiny wooden bird shot out to deliver eleven demented cries, Hebe Jones put out the "Back in 15 Minutes" sign and pulled down the shutter. She waited at her desk, hoping that her colleague's resolve had finally cracked. But when Valerie Jennings stood up from rummaging in the fridge, instead of the b.u.t.ter-rich dainty Hebe Jones was hoping for, she drew out the same green apples that her colleague had had to endure longer than she cared to remember.

Despite the fact that Valerie Jennings had already told her every detail of the picnic lunch the previous week, Hebe Jones listened to her reminiscences, sipping her jasmine tea. She heard again about the rug Arthur Catnip had handed her to keep out the cold. She heard again about the gla.s.ses he had brought for the wine, which were real crystal rather than plastic. And she heard again about the hours he must have spent the previous night preparing all the food, and how it was only polite of her to have tried his rhubarb and custard, despite her regime.

When elevenses were over, Hebe Jones stood rinsing the cups, remembering how her husband had always offered her a rug to defend her against the cold in the Salt Tower, and while he had never subjected himself to the torment of making pastry, he had been an expert at making tomato chutney, until the Chief Yeoman Warder spotted the plants he and Milo were growing up the side of their home and ordered their destruction.

As she hauled up the shutter, one of the ticket inspectors was already waiting at the counter. Standing next to him was a wooden sarcophagus with a chipped nose.

"Anything in it?" asked Hebe Jones, looking it up and down.

"Just a bit of old bandage," he replied. "The mummy must have got out at an earlier stop."

After noting it down in the ledgers, Hebe Jones helped him carry it down the aisle to the Egyptology section, a troublesome journey due to their vastly differing heights.

Back at her desk, she picked up the phone and called the Society of Woodworkers, having been a.s.sured by Thanos Grammatikos when he returned with the urn that morning that it was made from pomegranate wood. She spoke to the chairman, hoping he could put her in touch with someone who specialised in it. But he didn't know of anyone, and promised to send her a list of members who took on commissions to help her in her search. After hanging up, she glanced at her colleague to make sure she wasn't looking, and opened the gigolo's diary.