Assholeology. Part 10

Set the groundwork early. Make it known from day one that this is the way you want things to work. You hold the remote. You pick the restaurant. You introduce a new partner in the bedroom. (f.u.c.k it-she went for everything else. Worth a shot, right?) She will have more than enough time to get out of dodge. If she is fine with the situation, she is a keeper. She also might not speak English. (You did meet in a loud bar.) Voice your displeasure. She changed the channel during a TV timeout? She picked up Chinese food for dinner from that takeout place you hate? She invited Victor over for drinks and a possible threesome without asking your opinion? It doesn't matter how handsome Victor is with his chiseled cheekbones and smell of cured meat-snap out it! Get fired up. Tell her you are unhappy with the situation. Ask her to respect your wishes. Express your a.s.shole feelings. Ask Victor to come back Sunday after ma.s.s.

THE 'HOLE TRUTH This is probably one of the few times an a.s.shole is allowed to express his emotions, so try and get as much off your chest as possible (i.e.her nosey mother).

Bend; don't break. It's fine to ease up if you actually like this woman, but don't let go of all your rules. It's a pretty cool trick if you can pull it off. Give in to some small stuff; make her think she is getting what she wants. It's an a.s.shole's way of staying in complete control. She really isn't making any decisions at all. G.o.dd.a.m.n it, Victor, go home!

Give in to some small stuff;

make her think she is

getting what she wants.

The a.s.shole and the Breakup Breakups are never easy. However, this is where the a.s.shole really separates from the douche bag. Ever notice that most a.s.sholes are always still friendly with ex-girlfriends? Ever notice a.s.sholes usu- ally continue to hook up with their exes long after the relations.h.i.+p has ended?

A true a.s.shole is honest to a fault.

Be a Man Even if you don't care very much for the woman, being a man about the situation will go a long way in maintaining your reputation, and the foundation of a quality booty call. Always break things off with a face-to-face encounter. She deserves the respect and the chance to express her feelings about the situation. Don't shoot her an e-mail or late-night text. Most importantly, don't pull the disappearing act and never call her again. A true a.s.shole is honest to a fault. Tell her exactly why you feel things didn't work out, even if it was all her fault. You could be teaching her things about herself that she is unaware of and saving her from other heartbreaks down the road.

THE 'HOLE TRUTH If she doesn't pick up or return the call, just let it go. Don't try to be the nice guy by attempting to remain friends; it might be best to lose contact. Also, think about a name change because some s.h.i.+t could be ready to go down. Do you have a will?

Once the deal has been done, give it a few days and check up on her with a quick phone call or e-mail. Tell her you were thinking about her and wanted to say h.e.l.lo. Keep it friendly, never flirty, and leave on a good note.

FIVE THINGS YOU SHOULD FORGET (FOR YOUR OWN GOOD).

1. The number of women you have slept with-knowing this exact number will never come in handy. Not even if you make it on Jeopardy!

2. A bitter ex's phone number-there's a reason she is a reason she is bitter. Don't revisit it.

3. Your last round of golf-it doesn't mean s.h.i.+t this round.

4. The first girl that turned you down-it's all water under the bridge. Get over it. Also, we've seen her, and she is the size of said bridge.

5. The mistakes of the past-you'll be making many more in the future. Let them go.

THE QUOTABLE a.s.sHOLE.

"What you call love was invented by guys like me to sell nylons."-Don Draper, Mad Men a.s.sholes and Love a.s.sholes aren't heartless beings; they have feelings and emotions just like everyone else. They emit the same salty wet discharge from their eyes just like a normal human. An a.s.shole can fall in love. An a.s.shole can also have his heart broken. (There's even a good chance that the broken heart led to his a.s.shole behavior. Yes, your mind was just blown.) a.s.sholes aren't heartless

beings; they have feelings

and emotions just like

everyone else.

However, a.s.sholes don't let love get in the way of their true nature. Even though an a.s.shole's as susceptible to the pinp.r.i.c.k of Cupid's arrow as your typical Mr. Nice Guy, he knows how to bench that diaper-sporting, flying imp in order to keep his eyes on the prize. Because while a.s.sholes may be able to fall in love, there's a more important truth: Women love a.s.sholes. And a.s.sholes love tapping any women that are in love with them as much as they are in love with themselves.

CHAPTER RECAP: The a.s.shole and the Opposite s.e.x.

Women love a.s.sholes. An a.s.shole isn't afraid to make a move, which leaves a lasting impression with the ladies (hopefully a good one). Therefore you need to try. You're only going to attain success by risking failure. What you need to be an a.s.shole with the opposite s.e.x is confidence, experience, and calculated luck. Don't leave things up to chance. And when you do find that girl, be sure to play an active role in the relations.h.i.+p. And when you do break up with her, be sure to remain friends so you have an easy booty call during your search for Ms. Right.

a.s.s * hole * ol * o * gy Vocabulary Lothario (n.): A man skilled in the art of seduction Calculated luck (n.): The process of taking the necessary actions to secure a desired outcome A ball-brus.h.i.+ng against her Brillo pad (exp.): s.e.xual intercourse Character Study John Mayer: This guy oscillates between being an a-hole and being a d-bag almost hourly. However, he's having a fun time doing it. Mayer subscribes to working your niche as described in Chapter 4. He plays the role of Musical a.s.shole perfectly, and has reaped its bountiful benefits (see: Jennifer Aniston). A singer/song-writer from Connecticut, Mayer's musical fingers have allowed him to touch some of the most beautiful bodies in the world. Hats off to you Mr. Mayer. Douche bag or not.

Questions to Think About * Why do you always strike out at the bar?

* How do you plan on using calculated luck?

* How did you handle your last breakup? How would being an a.s.shole have made it different?

What You Should Have Learned a.s.sholes usually get the girl.

Getting a woman is a combination of confidence, experience, and calculated luck.

Decide what you want from a relations.h.i.+p as soon as possible.

It saves everyone involved time and feelings.

a.s.sholes should explain what they want out of relations.h.i.+p from the beginning.

a.s.sholes should handle a breakup with as much cla.s.s as possible.

a.s.sholes can fall in love. (Isn't that romantic.)

Part III.

The Aftermath.

Chapter 9.

You're an a.s.shole . . . Now What?

If you made it this far, you should be incredibly proud. Those extra reading cla.s.ses have really paid off. You should also pat yourself on the back for being an incredible a.s.shole. While it's likely the only person actually voicing his admiration for your new att.i.tude is, well, you, people will notice the difference. However, they may not always appreciate that difference. So, here's the best way to handle your critics: Don't give a f.u.c.k. Why should you? Life is too short to try to please everyone.

Now that you've attained a.s.shole status, there are a few things to keep in mind.

#1. ALWAYS KEEP A LEVEL HEAD.

Sure life is great right now, but things can and will go wrong. Life isn't perfect; it's going to have its ups and downs like before, except the downs won't knock you that far and the ups will only make you hunger for greater success. The a.s.shole takes it all in stride; he keeps his chin up and presses on.

#2. PUSH THE ENVELOPE.

While we tried to give as many examples in this book and cover as many topics as possible, there are countless areas in which to use the a.s.shole approach to your advantage. Don't be afraid to take things to the next level, especially if you aren't getting the results you expected. If you have to, go to extremes. Take a drastic approach.

#3. Pa.s.s IT ON.

While it took some time, you finally came around to the a.s.shole way of life. Now imagine if all this information was at your fingertips five or even ten years ago-your life would be incredibly different. Think of how this knowledge would benefit some of the people in your life-the brother that can't get ahead at work, the friend that sucks at dating, or the gym buddy that gets walked on more than the locker-room floor could all use come a.s.shole advice. Pa.s.s on your knowledge. Be a mentor and teacher.

CHAPTER RECAP: You're an a.s.shole ... Now What?.

Now what indeed. You've finished up your schooling and it's time to take on the world. As you head out there on your quest to be an a.s.shole, remember the lessons you've learned from this book. Your success depends on it. Remember, an a.s.shole is an a.s.shole at all times. You must incorporate this new att.i.tude into every aspect of your life. And don't forget to spread the wealth. Pa.s.s on the knowledge of a.s.sholeology to anyone you think can benefit (and handle) its teachings.

Character Study You: Yeah, we're talking about you. It's time for you to study yourself, see how you act, critique, and correct. As discussed in Chapter 3, it's important to track your progress so you can see how far you have come and how far you have to go. Keep notes. This way you can flip back to the appropriate lesson whenever you run into a roadblock. Being a successful a.s.shole is now up to you. Make us proud.

Questions to Think About * Come back to this question one week after being an a.s.shole-how has your life changed?

* Come back to this question one month after being an a.s.shole- how has your life changed?

* Come back to this question three months after being an a.s.s-hole- how has your life changed?

What You Should Have Learned Don't listen to your critics.

It's going to get s.h.i.+tty at times, but you have to roll with the punches.

Don't be afraid to push the envelope.

The a.s.shole's journey never ends.

You must continue to learn, evolve, and pa.s.s on your knowledge.

Part IV.

A Guide to Recognizing Your Fellow a.s.sholes.

While Chapter 4 gave a few prime examples of typical a.s.sholes, this section will serve as a field guide of sorts to the everyday a.s.sholes you will run into. Learn about them and learn from them. Their ability to succeed in adopting the a.s.shole att.i.tude and using it to their advantage should educate and inspire. They pull it off. You can too.

The Political a.s.shole The Neighborhood a.s.shole The Volunteer a.s.shole The Online a.s.shole The Coffee-Shop a.s.shole The a.s.shole Bartender The Gym a.s.shole The a.s.shole Dad The a.s.shole Friend The a.s.shole Professor The Party a.s.shole The a.s.shole Traveler The Nature a.s.shole The Yuppy a.s.shole The Writer a.s.shole The Political a.s.shole DISTINGUISHABLE CHARACTERISTICS.

A copy of The Economist's usually tucked under his arm by mid-morning as he heads out for a coffee (fair-trade only); his fingers are likely smudged with ink from the dailies he breezed through (Times, Journal, etc.) before dipping into the glossy. He's certain to have a pair of reading gla.s.ses on him even if his eyesight's a perfect 20/20. It helps him look well read and ready for a debate.

WHERE YOU'LL FIND HIM