Assholeology. Part 12

The Online a.s.shole DISTINGUISHABLE CHARACTERISTICS.

Over 1,000 Twitter followers, more Facebook friends than your city has people, and the latest smart phone in hand, on which he's checking websites you won't hear about for months.

He's telling you what to read,

what to buy, and what

sites to visit.

WHERE YOU'LL FIND HIM

Tweeting, 'Booking, and blogging-he's telling you what to read, what to buy, and what sites to visit. This guy was re-Tweeting the new must-watch viral video before you even accepted your first Friendster connection.

WHAT HE'S ALL ABOUT

He's completely wired and not afraid to let you know just how out of date you are. With the World Wide Web at his fingertips, he can correct anyone. Wrong stat. Wrong score. Wrong year. Everything he says, however, is right. And everything he does online will be the "right now" in about a year.

GREATEST a.s.sET.

Knowing what's cool. Everyone looks to him when they want to know what they should be doing. He is the people's connection to what's in-and he knows it.

WHAT HE CAN TEACH YOU.

Stay on the cutting edge. People will listen to you and come to you if you prove yourself. The Online a.s.shole has proven himself. Pretty soon, he won't even be the Online a.s.shole because he knows of something better than online.

The Coffee-Shop a.s.shole DISTINGUISHABLE CHARACTERISTICS.

He has a cup of coffee-not a latte, nor a cappuccino, nor a chai- next to his laptop and smart phone, but he's paying attention to neither because he's busy smirking at the barista and striking up casual conversations with the people around him. He looks important but approachable.

WHERE YOU'LL FIND

HIM Not going to answer that.

WHAT HE'S ALL ABOUT

Conversation and caffeine. There's plenty of room and coffee in his own home, but the Coffee-Shop a.s.shole chooses to bring his weekend work to the neighborhood shop. Why? Because it makes him look cool. No, not because he has a laptop. Because he's ignoring his laptop. Therefore that wink at the cute girl behind the bar or the quick recap of last night's game with the guy next to him carries more weight. He doesn't care about work. He cares about socializing. What a bada.s.s.

GREATEST a.s.sET.

A carefree att.i.tude. What work? The Coffee-Shop a.s.shole prefers to spend his time talking to you and sipping on this strong, caffeinated brew.

Work doesn't rule an

a.s.shole's life.

WHAT HE CAN TEACH YOU.

Always seem busy, but never too busy to talk. Work doesn't rule an a.s.shole's life. Living life is what he cares about. And if that can be shown off at a place where that serves a good cup of joe, more power to you.

The a.s.shole Bartender DISTINGUISHABLE CHARACTERISTICS.

Skills at working bottles and gla.s.ses as well as people. The a.s.shole Bartender can pour and muddle your mojito before you can blink-or realize that you're laughing at his joke about what a p.u.s.s.y you are for ordering a mojito.

WHERE YOU'LL FIND HIM

Behind the bar.

WHAT HE'S ALL ABOUT A

good time. He doesn't go to the party. He is the party. People come and sit at his bar so they can get served a stiff drink and a good laugh. His ability to blur the lines of appropriateness with alcohol allows him to say what he really means, yet still receive a big tip.

GREATEST a.s.sET A.

fast hand and a fast mouth. Not only does he serve up your Maker's Mark Manhattan quicker than you can count to three, he's holding multiple conversations with all of his patrons. The a.s.shole Bartender works fast. Before you realize he's poured you a second shot of Patron, he's busy talking to your date about what she's doing after last call.

THE HOLE TRUTH.