Tales From the Darkside Part 25

"Total recall?" I asked.

He said, sputtering with eagerness, "The up welling of the unconscious!

The ability to remember everythinga"the eidetic memory of an idiot savant and the indexing system of a quiz winner. You want to know the first six kings of England? Egbert, Ethelwulf, Ethelbald, Ethelbert, Elthelred and Alfred. You want to know the mating call of a ruff-necked grouse?" He demonstrated the call of the ruff-necked grouse.

"Oh," said Margery, coming back into the room with the freshly diapered baby. "Bird imitations."

"And more!" cried Winnie. "Do you know about the time the United States had two presidents?

"No, buta""

"March the third," he said. "Eighteen seventy-seven. Rugherford B.

Hayesa"I'd better say Rutherford Birchard Hayesa"was about to succeed Grant, and he was sworn in a day early. I ought to explain thata""

"No," I said. "Don't explain."

"Well, how about this? Want me to name the ABC bowling champions from 1931 to date? Clack, Nitschke, Hewitt, Vidro, Brokaw, Gagliardi, Andersona"oh, wait a minute. I forgot 1936. That's Warren. Then Gagliardi, Anderson, Daneka""

"Winnie," I said, "cut it out, will you? This has been a tough day."

"But this is the key to conquering the world!"

"Hah," I said. "You're going to bore everybody to death by naming bowling champions."

"Knowledge is power, Harlan." He rested his head on his palms briefly.

"But it does make my head ache."

I took my hand off the k.n.o.b of the door.

I said grudgingly, "Sit down, Winnie. I admit you've got me interested.

I can't wait to hear what the swindle is."

"Harlan!" warned Margery.

Winnie said: "There's no swindle, I promise you. But think what it can mean! Knowledge is power, Harlan, as I say. Why, with my superbrain we can outwit the rulers of any country anywhere. We can own the world!

Anda"money, you say? Knowledge is money too. For instance"a"he winkeda""worried about taxes? I can tell you the minority opinion in U.S.

Government versus Oosterhagen, 486 Alabama 3309. There's a loophole there you could drive an armored truck through!"

Margery sat down with a cigarette in the long, long holder I'd bought her to square a beef the year after we were married. She looked at me and then at the cigarette; and it penetrated, and I raced over with a match.

"Thank you, darling," she said throatily.

She had changed herself as well as the baby. She now wore something more suitable for a coheiress of a big fat hunk of money entertaining an ex-husband. It was a gold lame housecoat, and she had bought it, within an hour of the time the a.s.sociated Press man had called, on a charge account we'd never owned until the early editions of the papers. .h.i.t the stores around Levittown.

And that reminded me. Money. Who needed money? What was the use of inheriting all that loot from Uncle Otto if I couldn't throw Winnie out on his ear?

Politeness made me temporize: "All this is very interesting, Winnie, buta""

"Harlan, the baby!" Margery yelled. "Get him out of the pretzels!"

I did, while Winnie said faintly behind me: "The shape of a pretzel represents children's arms folded in prayera"or so it was thought in the seventeenth century. A good pretzel bender can bend more than thirty-five a minute. Of course, machines are faster." I said, "Winniea""

"Like to know the etymology of the word navvy? Most people think it has something to do with sailors."

"Winnie, listen to mea""

"It doesn't, though. It comes from the laborers on the Inland Navigation Ca.n.a.lsa"eighteenth-century England, you know. Well, the laborersa"" I said firmly, "Winnie, go away."

"Harlan!"

"You stay out of this Margery," I told her. "Winnie's after my dough, that's all. Well, I haven't Had it long enough to want to throw it away. Besides, who wants to rule the world?"

"Well . . ." Margery said thoughtfully.

"With all our money?" I cried. "Who needs it?"

Winnie clutched at his head. "Oh," he moaned. "Wait, Harlan. All I need is a stake. I've got the long-term cycles of every stock on the Exchange down in my heada"splits and dividends and earnings records since 1904! I know the private brokers' hand signals on the Curba"wave up for buy, wave down for sell; look, see how my fingers are bent? That means the spread between bid and asked is three-eights of a point. Give me a million dollars, Harlan!"

"No."

"Just a million, that's all. You can spare it! And I'll double it in a week, quadruple it in a montha"in a year we'll have a billion. A billion dollars!"

"I shook my head. "The taxesa""

"Remember U.S. Government versus Oosterhagen!" he cried. "And that's a bare beginning. Ever think what a billion dollars could do in the hands of a supergenius!" He was talking faster and faster, a perfect diarrhea of words, as though he couldn't control the spouting. "Here!" he yelled, clutching at his temple with one hand, pulling something out of his pocket with the other. "Look at this, Harlan! It's yours for a million dollarsa"no, for a hundred thousand. Yes, a hundred thousand dollars and you can have it! I'll sell it for that, and then I won't split with youa"we'll both be supergeniuses. Eh? Fair enough?"

I was trapped by my own curiosity. "What is it?" I asked. He waved it at mea"a squat little bottle half filled with pale capsules.

"Mine," he said proudly. "My hormone. It's a synapse relaxer. One of these and the blocks between adjoining cells in your brain are weakened for an hour. Three of them, for every twenty pounds of body weight, and you're a supergenius for life. You'll never forget! You'll remember things you think have pa.s.sed out of your recollection years ago! You'll recall the postpartum slap that started you breathing, you'll remember the name of the nurse who carried you to the door of your father's Maxwell. Oh, Harlan, there is no limit toa""

"Go away," I said, and pushed him.

Patrolman Gamelsfelder appeared like a genie from a lamp.

"Thought so," he said somberly, advancing on Winnie McGhee. "Extortion's your game, is it? Can't say I blame you, brother, but it's a trip to the station house and a talk with the sergeant for you."

"Just get rid of him," I said, and closed the door as Winnie was challenging the cop to name an opera by Krenek, other than Johnny Spielt Auf.

Margery put the baby down, breathing hard.

She said: "Scuffling and pus.h.i.+ng people around and bad manners. You weren't like this when we were married, Harlan. There's something come over you since you inherited that money!" I said, "Help me pick these things up, will you?" I hadn't pushed him hard, but all the same, those pills had gone flying.

Margery stamped her foot and burst into tears. "I know how you feel about poor Winnie," she sobbed, "but it's just that I'm sorry for him.

Couldn't you at least be polite? Couldn't you at least have given him a couple of lousy hundred thousand dollars.?"

"Watch the baby," I warned her. At the head of the stairs Gwennie appeared, attracted by the noise, rubbing her eyes with her fists and beginning to cry.

Margery glared at me, started to speak, was speechless, turned her back and hurried up to comfort Gwennie.

I began to feel the least little bit ashamed of myself.

I stood up, patting the baby absentmindedly on the head, looking up the stairs at the female half of our household. I had been, when you stopped to think of it, something of a clunk.

Item: I had been rough on poor old Winnie. Suppose it had been I who discovered the hormone and needed a few lousy hundred thousand, as Margery put it so well, as a stake in order to grasp undreamed-of wealth and power? Well, why not? Why shouldn't I have given it to him? The poor fellow was evidently suffering the effect of the hormone wearing off as much as from any hangover. I could have been more kind, yes.

And, item: Margery did have a tough time with the kids and all, and on this day of all days she was likely to be excited.

And, item: I had just inherited a b.l.o.o.d.y mint!"

Why wasn't Ia"the thought came to me with a sudden, appalling claritya"using some of Uncle Otto's money to make life easier for all of us?

I galloped up the steps two at a time. "Margery," I cried. "Margery, I'm sorry!"

"I think you shoulda"" she began and then looked up from Gwennie and saw my face.

I said: Look, honey. Let's start over. I'm sorry about poor Winnie, but forget him, huh? We're rich.

Let's start living as though we were rich! Let's go out, just the two of usa"it's early yet! We'll grab a cab and go into New Yorka"all the way by cab, why not? We'll eat at the Colony, and see My Fair Lady from the fifth row on the aislea"you can get quite good seats, they tell me, for a hundred bucks or so.

Why not?"

Margery looked up at me, and suddenly smiled. "Buta"" she patted Gwennie's head. "The kids. What about them?"

"Get a baby-sitter," I cried. "Mrs. Schroop'll be glad of the word."

"But it's such short noticea""

"Margery," I said, "we don't inherit a fortune every night. Call her up."

Margery stood up, holding Gwennie, beginning to smile. "Why," she said, "that sounds like fun, Harlan!

Why not, as you say? Onlya"do you remember Mrs. Schroop's number?"

"It's written down," I told her.

"No, that was on the old directory." She frowned. "You've told it to me a thousand times. It isn't listed in her own namea"it's her son-in-law's. Oh, what is that number...?"

A thin voice from down the stairs said:"Ovington 8-0014. It's listed under Sturgis, Arthur R., 41 Universe Avenue.

Margery look at me, and I looked at Margery.

I said sharply: "Who the devil said that?"

"I did, Daddy," said the owner of the voice, all of eighteen inches tall, appearing at the foot of the steps.

He had to use one hand to steady himself, because he didn't walk so very well; in the other hand he held the squat gla.s.s bottle that Winnie McGhee had dropped.

The bottle was empty.

Well, we don't live in Levittown anymorea"of course.

Marjorie and Gwennie and I have tried everythinga"changing our names, dyeing our hair, even plastic surgery once. It didn't work, so we had the same surgeon change us back.

People keep recognizing us.

What we mostly do now is cruise up and down the coast of the U.S. in our yacht, inside the twelve-mile limit. When we need supplies we send some of the crew in with the motor launch. That's risky, yes. But it isn't as risky as landing in any other country would be; and we just don't want to go back to J.I.a"as they've taken to calling it these days. You can't blame us. How would you like it?

I wish he'd leave us alone.

The way it goes, we just cruise up and down, and every once in a while he remembers us and calls up on s.h.i.+p-to-sh.o.r.e. He called yesterday, matter of fact. He said: "You can't stay out there forever, Daddy.

Your main engines are due for a refit after eleven months, seven days of running and you've been gone ten months, six. What are you using for dairy products? The load you s.h.i.+pped in Jacksonville must have run out last Thursday week. There isn't any point in your starving yourself.

Besides, it's not fair to Gwennie and Mom. Come home. We'll make a place for you in the government."

"Thanks," I said, "But no thanks."

"You'll be sorry," he warned, pleasantly enough. And he hung up.

Well, we should have kept him out of those pills.

I guess it was my fault. I should have listened and when old Winniea"heaven rest his soul, wherever he isa"said that the lifetime dose was three tablets for every twenty pounds of body weight. The baby only weighed thirty-one pounds thena"last time we'd taken him to the pediatrician; naturally, we couldn't take him again after he swallowed the pills. And he must've swallowed at least a dozen.

But I guess Winnie was right. At the very least, the world is well on its way to being conquered now.

The United States fell to Juvens Imperator, as he calls himself ( and I blame Margery for thata"I never used Latin in from of the kid) in eighteen months, after his sensational coup on the $256,000 Question, and his later success in cornering soybean futures and the common stock of United States Steel. The rest of the world is just a matter of time. And not very much time, as that.

And don't they just know it, though; that's why we daren't land abroad.

But who would have thought it?

I mean, I watched his inauguration last October, on the television. The country has had some pretty peculiar people running it, no doubt. But did you ever think you'd live to see the oath of office administered to my little boy, with one hand upraised and the thumb of the other in his mouth?

HUs.h.!.+.

by Zenna Henderson.