Josh Billings on Ice Part 10

_Number Three_--Iz kompletely furnished with ga.s.s fixtures and meether, and ile cloth in the front hall, and pegs in the closets, and back verandy. This delightful property iz now occupied bi a phisician, ("whose sands ov life hav about run out,") and sum ov the rent would be took in boarding the phisician ("whose sand iz about run thru,") and hiz wife, and wife's oldest sister, and her unkle, and the 9 children, who are awl lite eaters, havin bin kept for the laste 6 months on sperm kandle soup. Tew a tenant who could loan the phisician $1,500 or two thousand dollars, and take a first mortgage on the furniture in the hous, a liberal rent would be named, payable quarterly in advanse.

P.S.--fust c.u.m, fust git.

_Number Four_--Iz the property ov a two-millionaire, who iz about going tew Urope with hiz entire family, tew spend sum munny. This hous haz one ov Chickering's 10 oktave, iron-frame, overstrung ba.s.s, rosewood, round kornered, pearl keyed, pianners, built expressly for the owner bi Mr. Chickering himself, after the design ov the pantheon in Rome, (Italy,) and also haz a hole cut thru the roof, from which the North star kan be distinktly seen with the naked eye. Rent iz no objeck--tew a small family ov one or two persons, this hous could be had, if applied for within 2 daze, at the nominal prise ov 20,000 dollars a month, reckoning 26 working days tew the month.

_Also_--A superb hoss ov a black culler, warranted 16 hands hi, ov grate enduranse, tew stand without tieing, and kan trot in 2:53; would make a good card for a hea.r.s.e hoss.

XXII.

LAUGHING.

It never haz been proved, that enny ov the animal kreation hav attempted tew laff, (we are quite certain that none hav succeded;) thus this deliteful episode and pleasant power appears tew be entirely within the province ov humans. It iz the language ov infancy--the eloquense ov childhood,--and the power tew laff is the power to be happy. It is becoming tew awl ages and conditions; and (with the very few exceptions, sakred tew sorrow) an honest, hearty laff iz always agreeable and in order. It iz an index ov karakter, and betrays sooner than words.--Laffing keeps oph sickness, and haz conquered az menny diseases az ever pills have, and at mutch less expense.--It makes flesh, and keeps it in its place.--It drives away weariness and brings a dream ov sweetness tew the sleeper.--It never iz covetous.--It ackompanys charity, and iz the handmaid ov honesty.--It disarms revenge, humbles pride, and iz the talisman ov kontentment.--Sum have kalled it a weakness--a subst.i.tute for thought, but really it strengthens wit, and adorns wisdum, invigorates the mind, gives language ease, and expreshun elegance.--It holds the mirror up tew beauty; it strengthens modesty, and makes virtue heavenly. It iz the light ov life; without it we should be but animated ghosts. It challenges fear, hides sorrow, weakens despair, and carries haff ov poverty's bundles.--It costs nothing, comes at the call, and leaves a brite spot behind.--It iz the only index ov gladness, and the only buty that time kannot effase.--It never grows old; it reaches from the cradle clear tew the grave. Without it, love would be no pashun, and fruition would show no joy.--It iz the fust and the last suns.h.i.+ne that visits the heart; it was the warm welk.u.m ov Eden's lovers, and was the only capital that sin left them tew begin bizzness with outside the Garden ov Pardise.

XXIII.

LYING.

As easy az it iz to lie, I am astonished that thare are so few engaged in the bizzness, and that so few fust-rate lies are ever told.

I am not prepared to say how mutch real sin thare iz in what iz kalled a light-colored lie, that haz no maliss or evil result in it, but I have alwus notised that the heft ov mankind love to excel in awl they undertake, and I can't tell how long a man would be willing to tell white lies for fun when he might be turning an honest penny for himself by telling black ones.

Men don't generally bek.u.m drunkards by confinning themselfs stricktly tew sweet sider.

Lieing is the lowest grade of sin,--it is more cowardly than stealing, bekause thare is less risk in it--it is more demoralising than burglary, bekause there is no cure for it,--it is more dangerous than swareing, bekause swareing don't hurt enny boddy else,--it waz the fust sin committed, bekause it was the easiest and most natral, and it will probably be the last one committed, bekause no man ever gits so poor and degraded but what he kan tell quite a respectabel lie.

Lieing is said tew be const.i.tus.h.i.+onall in sum folks,--so is the itch const.i.tus.h.i.+onall, because folks hang around whare it is, and won't doktor for it after they git caught by it.

Finally--I might as well own it--I hav told a few very fair lies myself, but i kant reckollect ov one that I feel proud ov now.

XXIV.

PERKUSSION CAPS.

I hold that a man has jist as mutch rite tew spel a word as it is p.r.o.nounsed, as he has tew p.r.o.nounse it the way it aint spelt.

Sticking up our nose don't prove enny thing, for the most sensitiff person in the world, when he is away from his kittles, is a bone biler.

But fu sights, in this life, are more sublime and pathetick, than tew see a poor, but virtuous yung man, full ov christian fort.i.tude, struggling with a mustatch.

Common sense is most ginnerally dispised bi those who haint got it.

If I was asked which was the best way, in these days ov temptashun, tew bring up a boy, i should say--bring him up the back way.

It don't require enny edukashun tew tell the truth, but tew lie well dus.

We are told "that an honest man is the n.o.blest _work_ ov G.o.d"--but the demand for the _work_ has been so limited, that i hav thought a large share ov the fust edishun must still be in the author's hands.

Men don't seem never tew git tired ov talking about themselfs, but i hav heard them when i thought they showed signs ov weekness.

If yu would make yurself agreeable, wherever yu go, listen tew the grivences ov others, but never relate yure own.

Sum folks are always trieing tew see thru a millstone edgeways, when, if they would only turn it over on the flat side, they could look rite thru the hole.

Buty is like a ranebow--full ov promis, but short lived.

It aint best tu swop with yure relashuns, unless yu kan afford tew giv them the b.u.t.t end ov the trade.

Amung the blu laws ov Konnekticut, (which are now obsolute,) are this--"No man shall chaw turbakker on Sunday, unless he swallers the spit."

Also, "No yung woman shal hav a rite tew git marrid, who kant make a donut that will keep at least one year, without loseing its twist."

I beleave in the universal salvashun ov men, but I want tew pick the men.

I beleave in suggar coated pills.--I also beleave that virtue and wisdum kan be smuggled into a man's soul bi a good natured proverb, better and deeper than tew be mortised into it with a wormwood mallet and chissell.

The pure don't gro old enny more than a mountain spring dus.

I don't think thare is enny rule for long life. I hav known men tew die before they was 40, from the effek ov a vegatabel diet, and i hav known others tew liv 75 years on salt pork and sider brandy, and then quit the pork on akount ov their helths, and live 15 years longer on the sider brandy alone.

"Give me liberty, or giv me deth"--but ov the 2 I prefer the liberty.

As in a game ov cards, so in the game ov life, we must play what is dealt tew us, and the glory consists, not so mutch in winning, as in playing a poor hand well.

The time tew pray is not when we are in a tight spot, but jist as soon as we git out ov it.

"The Lord tempers the wind to the shorn lamb," but it is man's bissiness tew see that he don't shear the lamb tew cluss.

XXV.

ONE WEEK FROM MY DIAREE.

MONDAY.--Had suckers for breakfast. Suckers and sussagis are the 2 luxuries ov life; the other luxury iz eazy boots. Answered several letters ov grate moment.