Josh Billings on Ice Part 15

I hav got so poor an opinion ov mankind in general (as far as i hav got) that if i was in a dest.i.tute condishun i would rather trust tew mi luck than tew my virtue for sunbeams.

In relation tew that chunk ov skripture which yu ask me about, "Be yee as wise as a sarpient, but harmless as a deer," don't mistake it for a dose of catnip tea or herb drink; it warn't meant for a weak prescription; it is a kind ov iron-klad missionary s.h.i.+p, and means sharp work, on the sly.

Yure idee about the friends.h.i.+p ov the world is 4 miles tew leeward ov the channel; friends.h.i.+p is like the magnetic needle, thare is certin causes that will make it vary sideways sumtimes, but when it settles down tew stiddy work it alwus pints tew the pole--and the fellow that owns the needle owns the pole.

And as for human happiness, Nimrod, don't hunt for it, and yu may acksidentally c.u.m across sum ov it. Hunting happiness is a good deal like hunting crows; when yu haint got yure gun with yu, yu kan alwas git a grate deal nearer tew the crows.

x.x.xV.

NUZE CUTS FROM OUR EXCHANGES.

The "_Shanghi Dispatch_" advertises for "a Devil, not over 14 years ov good moral karacter.--References exchanged.--The young Devil will be expekted tew board with his father, espes.h.i.+ly during the cold weather."

The "_Nevada Brick_" says, "thare will be a total eklips of the moon, next month, visibel with the naked eye, only tew the subskribers ov the "_Brick_." Send in your subskriptions for the year at onst."

The "_Mock Turtle Bulletin_" learns "that onions in his lokality won't be more than half a crop, owing tew the number ov akers sewed, and the small size of the seed," and advises hiz patrons "tew lay in their a.s.syfedity now, for the winter, while it iz low."

The "_Mohunk Ledger_" "highsts the name ov John tyler, solitary and alone, for the next president, and gives hiz reasons."--(We doubt the polisy of this nominashun, for he haz bin run into the ground onse already.)

The "_Mutton Hollow Day Book & People's Register_" thus reports the acksident, ov a moral karacter, on the Peuterville railroad. "The konduktor ov the 10.15 train going east, when he got tew the end ov his route, had 19 dollars he couldn't account for. This iz the fust acksident ov the kind, ever diskovered on the road, and we kan a.s.sure the traveling publik, will probably be the last."

The "_Reedsburgh Journal_" "learns from good authority, that the wife ov a laborer, in that vicinity, gave birth tew six fine healthy children," and then adds, "but not awl tew onst."

The "_Olive Branch_" a black republikan sheet, sez, "the gra.s.shoppers, having et up everything green thing in our naberhood, hav pitched onto things blue, sech az whetstones, and demokrats, and are dieing oph bi the thousands, in consequentz."

The "_Oakville Banner_" don't beleave in the above akount, and adds, "the fackt that the editor of the "_Olive Branch_" still lives, iz proof enuff that the green things aint all destroyed yet."

In the colums of the "_Weekly Bred_" of date Oct. 16, we see it announced, that "the sorrel Hen ov deakon Abijeir Phillips lade an egg which weighed, after it waz kold, 7 pounds with an affidavit tew it, before Square Sturgiss, justis of peace." And then the editor goes on to say, "the hen haz bin dewing better ever sinse."--(We should think it would be hard work for her tew do mutch better.)

The "_Monthly Reckord_" learns, thru her country correspondent, "that the maple sugar krop will be bigger next year, than for the last 90 years, and that we shall have a dreadful hard winter, for the geese are getting reddy; he never knu them so tuff tew bile, as they are this fall."

The "_Perary Flower_" c.u.ms tew us with a long and Abel artikle on punkin pize. The editor sez, "he waz early from konnekticut, and waz born on punkin pi, and would be willing tew die on them almost, with nutmeg in them. He remembers distinktly, how hiz grate grandmother used tew mix them up, and how he used tew dip into the mix, on the sli." He further winds up bi saying, "that it iz az natural for a yankee tew stand on a punkin pi, az it iz for a setter dorg tew sett on a woodc.o.c.k, or a Frenchman tew point on a frog's hind legs." (I agree with this feller fully; i waz onse from Nu England myself, and punkin pize waz the fust real sa.s.s ov mi boyhood, and at this late time ov day, seems to be the principle swivel in the chain, that binds me tew the land whare ba.s.swood punkin seeds, and wooden nutmegs, are grown only for exportation.)

x.x.xVI.

DEAD BEATS.

No man ever jumps az fur az he kan, but once.

If the wicked really stand on slippery places, the best thing the rightyus kan do is to keep oph from the ice.

Thare is no religion in simply travelling 4 miles an hour, nor enny actual sin in a 2.40 gate.

"Position is everything;" position of a comma, for instanse. "Thare is a divinity that shapes our ends rough, hew them as we will."

If I was called upon to say how I thought the Devil looked and ackted, i should kompare him to the man who sells rum by the gla.s.s, and never drinks enny himself.

Wits are like hornets,--they hav but few intimates.

Thiefs are remarkabel for their taking _ways_;

Ragmen for their light _weighs_;

Dairymaids for their sweet _wheys_;

Boston for her _byways_.

Courting,--home on a furlough.

I maid up mi mind, more than 6 months ago, that this world wa'n't made for phools; and when i see a man determined tew go to the devil, i generly let him went.

Crippels ar always cross; thay ar nature's libels. I konsider marrying for money no better than stealing it.

I hav seen sum awful bad throte disseases completely cured in 3 days by simply jineing a temprance sosiety.

A pun, tew be irresistable, don't ought to flavor ov malis aforethought; but wants tew c.u.m sudden and apt, like a rat out ov his hole.

How menny men thare is who argy, just as a bull dus, chained tew a post; they beller and paw, but they kant git away from the post.

Monuments are poor investments--the bad don't deserve them, and the good don't need them.

Thare is a grate menny stricktly honnest folks in this world; they wouldn't take a cent from enny man that didn't belong tew them, nor giv enny man a cent that didn't belong to them.

I consider cerimony princ.i.p.ally an effort ov vanity, or a kind ov fas.h.i.+onable golden rule, which stimulates folks to do unto others as they would hav others do unto them.