Josh Billings on Ice Part 20

XLIV.

ESSA ON SWINE.

Hogs generally are quadriped.

The extreme length ov their antiquity haz never been fully discovered; they existed a long time before the flood, and hav existed a long time since.

There iz a grate deal ov internal revenew in a hog, thare ain't mutch more waste in them than thare iz in a oyster.

Even their tails can be wurked up into whissells.

Hogs are good quiet boarders; they alwus eat what iz set before them, and don't ask enny foolish questions.

They never hav enny disseaze but the meazles, and they never hav that but once; once seems to satisfy them.

Thare iz a grate menny breeds amongst them.

Sum are a close corporation breed, and sum are bilt more apart, like a hemlock slab.

They used to hav a breed in New England, a few years ago, which they called the _striped hog_ breed. This breed waz in high repute among the landlords; almost evry tavern keeper had one, which he used tew show tew travelers, and brag on him.

Sum are full in the face, like a town clock, and some are az long and lean az a cow-catcher, with a steel pinted noze on them.

They kan awl rute well; a hog that kant rute well, haz bin made in vain.

They are a short lived animal, and generally die az soon az they git fatt.

The hog kan be larnt a grate menny cunning things, such az highsting the front gate off from the hinges, tipping over the swill barrells, and finding a hole in the fence to git into a cornfield, but thare ain't enny length tew their memory; it iz awful hard work for them tew find the same hole to git out at, espeshly if yu are at all anxious they should.

Hogs are very kontrary, and seldom drive well the same way yu are going; they drive the most the other way; this haz never bin fully explained, but speaks volumes for the hog.

XLV.

ON SOWING MACHINES.

DEAR MORSE--I this morning had makrel for brekfast, and also yure letter, enklosing a prospektus uv yure "Improved swivel st.i.tch and back action sowing masheen," and must say i am tickled tew deth with her.

It strikes me that it must be equal tew a small drove uv nu milk cows in a family.

If the masheen iz only one quarter az good az the prospektus iz, yure fortune iz az certain and lasting az the rocks.

Don't hesitate tew send me one ov the masheens, and i will return the prospektus.

I hav now 3 sowing masheens on hand; one i hav had 24 years, the other two about 20 & 18 years respektivly.

The old masheen iz a gem, and will sow on a patch quicker than the hole was made.

The other two are smaller, and are halleluger itself on worsted work and ornamental blister.

I would part with the 2 younger ones if enny fust rate chance offered, and furnish a prospektus that would beat the Song ov Solaman.

Az for the old one, munny won't buy her. I intend to stick tew her till evry thread breaks, for she iz wuth a dozen nu-fangled ones.

I got her in Ma.s.sachusetts, by the side ov the road, at the foot ov a mountain, from a good old Baptiss deakon, who lived in a nice white farm-hous, with green blinds and a hoss-block by the door, and a pen-stock ov never failing water, and a wood pile as bigg az a straw stack.

The 2 little ones are on exhibishun now, at mi rooms. Kards ov admishun can be prokured ov the proprietor bi presenting the proper vouchers.

Full warrantees will be given with each masheen.

Princ.i.p.als only delt with; no agent need apply.

Again, dear Morse, I kant help but thank yu for yure prospektus--it iz so limber and full ov good advise; but i kant help but say that if you should see mi sowing masheens and see them at wurk, yu would tare up yure prospektus in disgust, and either git one ov mi kind, or be miserable till you did.

Morse, fairwell.

In the meantime, yures truli,

JOSH BILLINGS.

XLVI.

SUM ADVISE.

Mi yung friend, yu are about tew begin life, and altho it may seem dredful impossibel tew yu, nevertheless yu will be liabel tew make sum mistakes while yu are scoring, or during the fust mile or two.

Let me mix up a little advise for yu tew take till yu git tew trotting stiddy.

Yu will observe the advise iz designed for yung gentlemen who show sum sighns ov speed, and also that i reazon right from the shoulder.

1. Treat the old man and the old woman as yure equals; smile when they exhort, and laff when they intreat, for no yung man kan hope for suckcess in ornamental walks ov life who don't wear the belt at home.

2. If yu kant raize a mustash, commit suiside at once and begin agin; for it iz better tew die than tew suffer disgrace.

3. Cultivate impudense--impudense iz a good subst.i.tute for bravery--only be a littel kerful tew pick yure customers when yu tri it on.

4. Keep a trotter and a fiteing rooster. Theze animals will let yu into the konfidense ov men who will watch over yure morals and nuss yure genius.

5. Avoid the old fogys; they are a miserabel set ov cowardly croakers, who, like a third-rate dorg, hav larnt what little they kno about virtew bi simply being overmatched in a fair fight.

6. Suspekt aul femail virtew. This will giv yu an eazy flow ov ambiguous language while in the sosiety ov the ladys, and enabel yu tew awake confusion, which yu kan kall sumthing else.