Josh Billings on Ice Part 25

A verry large share ov our happiness iz derived from antic.i.p.ation; i kan rekoleckt now ov having tremenjus fun, years ago, in the western wilderness, hunting bees, and also hav a lively reminiscence ov gitting awfully stung, when i found the bees.

Upon the whole, after weighing the matter camly, i hav c.u.m tew the sanguine konklusion, that the hight ov human happyness in this life, consists in being unhappy, and not kno it.

LVII.

PHILOSOPHEE OV THE BILLINGS FAMILEE,

AS SOT DOWN BI JOSH.

I pray you, never seem tew want enny thing.

If you hav not got even a wheelbarrow, talk with grate ease about a horse and carriage.

If you are caught with a rent in yure coat, be az mutch serprised at first as he who diskovers it, (a rent iz but the episode ov a moment,) but do not be mortified, even if he iz curious.

If questioned about yure ansesstors, remember that the further back you go, the more safely you may lay yure claims--you had just az menny relashuns in Knower's ark, az enny body kan show.

Eat puddin and milk simply becaus it is healthy. Hire a back seat in the church, so az tew be the first out, in kase ov fire.

Your wife and children never look so well tew you, az in a "s.h.i.+llin a yard."

If spoken ov for offiss, take notiss ov this or that growin evil; suggest no plan; wear a careful plaster over your mouth, and talk about the capasity and integrity of yure opponent--if beaten, praze the right ov suffrage, publickly, but dam the whole plan, privately, as mutch az you are a mind to.

If you would borry a sum ov munny, ask for it as you would for a yesterday's nuzpaper.

If invited tew dinner--hessitate, but yield upon reflekshun, remarkin, "that yure own table is provided with oysters, and needs no carver."

Make az menny frends as you kan--never, but as a last resort, use one.

Always sing, for thus you may get the envy ov the world, while yure tears would seek in vain for their pity.

Live in the world az one ov its most familyer people, but really hav but little to do with it.

Never argu, and never be convinced.

But chiefly, never want ennything; for thus you giv tung tew yure poverty.

Menny a man haz died rich, and ben kalled wize, by simply holding hiz tung.

When you are asked tew admirate an equipage, dew it warmly, but suggest that you never indulge in horses, on akount ov their liability tew glanders.

If you are poor, ask Alexander tew stand out ov your suns.h.i.+ne. If you are rich, ask him tew stand in it.

Dew not envy ennything on arth, not even a man's virtues, for them you kan git az well az he.

Talk familiarly ov wealth--deceave every one but yourself.

Never show the world mutch ov yure hart; keep that for Him who made it, and knose its impulses.

N.B.--This philosophee has made the Billings family what they am.

LVIII.

AMERIKANS.

Amerikans love caustick things; they would prefer turpentine tew colone-water, if they had tew drink either.

So with their relish of humor; they must hav it on the half-sh.e.l.l with cayenne.

An Englishman wants hiz fun smothered deep in mint sauce, and he iz willin tew wait till next day before he tastes it.

If you tickle or convince an Amerikan yu hav got tew do it quick.

An Amerikan luvs tew laff, but he don't luv tew make a bizzness ov it; he works, eats, and haw-haws on a canter.

I guess the English hav more wit, and the Amerikans more humor.

We havn't had time, yet, tew bile down our humor and git the wit out ov it.

The English are better punsters, but i konsider punning a sort ov literary prost.i.tushun in which futur happynesz iz swopped oph for the plezzure ov the moment.

Thare iz one thing i hav noticed: evryboddy that writes expeckts tew be wize or witty--so duz evrybody expect tew be saved when they die; but thare iz good reason tew beleave that the goats hereafter will be in the majority, just az the sheep are here.

Don't forget _one_ thing, yu hav got tew be wize before yu kan be witty; and don't forget _two_ things, a single paragraff haz made sum men immortal, while a volume haz bin wuss than a pile-driver tew others--but what would Amerikans dew if it want for their sensashuns?

Sumthing new, sumthing startling iz necessary for us az a people, and it don't make mutch matter what it iz--a huge defalkashun--a red elephant--or Jersee clams with pearls in them will answer if nothing better offers.

Englishmen all laff at us for our sensashuns, and sum ov them fret about it, and spred their feathers in distress for us, az a fond and foolish old hen, who haz hatched out a setting ov ducks' eggs, will stand on the banks ov a mill pond, wringing her hands in agony to see her brood pitch in and take a sail. _She_ kant understand it, but the _Ducks_ know awl about it.

N.B.--Yu kan bet 50 dollars the Ducks know all about it.

N.B.--Yu kan bet 50 dollars more that it makes no difference who hatches out an Amerikan, the fust thing he will do, iz to pitch into sumthin.

N.B.--No more bets at present.

LIX.

JOSH CLEANS OUT HIS PIGEON-HOLE OF CORRESPONDENTS.