Josh Billings on Ice Part 30

SUM NATRAL HISTORY.

The _Alligator_ iz not a natiff ov Nu England; he iz too useless a critter tew be born thare.

He belongs down South, and resides in the same swamp that the copperhead duz.

He lives upon raw pig, and don't hesitate tew take them whole, if thare don't happen tew be a smaller one handy.

He iz also fond ov a little negro, once in a while, by way ov a fresh.

They are amphibicus, and sevral other kinds ov cuss too plenty to menshun.

What on earth they are good for, i don't seem to know, unless it iz tew watch for pigs.

Their hides kan be tanned into leather, but they are az hard tew skin az a beech tree iz; and the leather, when tanned, iz just about as limber az a cooking-stove. But one pair ov boots, made out ov alligator, will last az long az a man's name duz; the only way tew wear them out iz tew heave them away.

Alligator meat iz not luscious. If yu ask for it at the fust-kla.s.s hotels, they will alwus tell yu "that they are jist out." It tastes az i should think the beef ov a mule would, who had been worked forty years in a brick-yard, and then been struk with lightning, to git rid ov him.

When an alligater's mouth iz wide open, hiz head iz just about in the center ov hiz boddy; but they hav one virtew i came verry near forgitting--they make a verry still noize, altho they hav more jaw than enny other critter i kno ov.

These are sum ov the heavyest fakts i hav been able tew gather about the alligater.

The alligator seems tew be a second edition ov the krokadile, made out ov what waz left.

I think the krokodile usually lays eggs when they want sum more krokadiles, but i don't kno whether i think the alligatur duz or don't; but if they do, and i ever find the nest, and the old feller aint on the nest, i shouldn't hesitate tew hatch out the eggs myself--with a klub.

This iz all i kno at prezent about the alligatur.

The Ren iz the smallest thing surrounded with feathers, except the humming bird.

He iz about the size ov a horse chestnutt.

He iz ov a dark brown color, and bilds hiz nest in not holes, out ov little bits ov stix.

He iz az gritty az a mud pie, and will fight a hen turkey.

Rens are little pirates; i hav seen them drive a blu-bird out ov his house, and sett up bizziness on hiz stock in trade.

They lay an egg about the size ov a marrow fat p, and hatch out at least a half dozen children at a setting.

A young ren iz the funniest little package i ever see done up; they aint much bigger, and look verry mutch like a small-sized semicolon.

Rens are long-lived, but if they should live tew be az old az Methuseler, they wouldn't be az bigg az a b.u.t.ter-nutt.

They liv on the bug and worm family, and spend their winters south.

They are not profitable to eat--i would az soon dress a b.u.mble bee, and one ren pot pie would use up the whole breed.

THE CROW.

Next to the monkey, the crow haz the most deviltry to spare. They are born verry wild, but kan be tamed az eazy az the goat kan, but a tame crow iz aktually wuss than a sore thumb.

If thare iz enny thing about the house that they kant git into, it iz bekause the thing ain't big enuff. I had rather watch a distrikt skool than one tame crow. Crows live on what they kan steal, and they will steal enny thing that aint tied down.

They are fond ov meat vittles, and are the first tew hold an inquest over a departed horse, or a still sheep. They are a fine bird tew hunt, but a hard one tew kill; they kan see you 2 miles first, and will smell a gun right through the side ov a mountain.

They are not songstirs, altho they hav a good voice to cultivate, but what they do sing, they seem to understand thoroughly; long praktiss has made them perfekt.

The crow iz a tuff bird, and kan stand the heat like a blacksmith, and the cold like a stun wall.

They bild their nest among a tree, and lay twice, and both eggs would hatch out, if they was laid in a snow bank,--thare aint no such thing as stopping a young crow.

Crows are very lengthy; i beleave they live always i never knu one to die a natral deth, and don't believe they kno how.

They are alwus thin in flesh, and are like an injun rubber shew, poor inside and out.

They are not considered fine eating, altho i hav read sumwhare ov biled crow, but still i never heard ov the same man hankering for sum biled crow 2 times.

This essa on the crow is copied from natur, and if it is true, i aint tew blame for it; natur made the crow, i didn't; if i had i would hav made her more honest and not quite so tuff.

The b.u.mble Bee is one ov natur's sekrets.

They probably hav a destiny to fill, and are probably necessary, if a fellow only knew how.

They liv apart from the rest ov mankind, in little circles numbering about 75 or 80 souls.

They are born about haying time, and are different from enny bug i know ov; they are the biggest when they are fust born. They resemble sum men in this respekt.

Their principle bizziness is making poor honey, but they don't make enny to sell.

Boys sumtimes rob them out ov a whole summer's work; but thare is one thing about a b.u.mble bee that boys alwus watch dreadful cluss, and that iz their _helm_.

I had rather not hav awl the b.u.mble bee honey that is between here and the city ov Jerusalem, than tew hav a b.u.mble bee hit me with his helm when he c.u.ms round suddin.

They are different from other war vessels; the helm alwus minds the b.u.mble bee.

LXVI.

SLIVVERS OV THOUGHT.