Josh Billings on Ice Part 34

_Friday, 7th._--Fred Dougla.s.s nominated for president by the demokrats; black clouds in the west; wind brewing; grate scare in Na.s.sau street; a man runs over a horce; Docktors Pug and Bug in immediate attendance; horce not expekted tew live. Rain and snow and wind and mud, about equally mixt.

_Sat.u.r.day, 8th._--Horce more easier this morning; mint julips offered, but no takers. About these days expect wind; wind from the northwest; a good day for wind mills. Half-past 5 o'clock, P.M., the following notis appears on all the bulletin boards. "Doctor Pug thinks the horce, with the most skillful treatment at the hands ov the attendant physicians, may possibly be rendered suitable for a clam waggon, and Doctor Bug corroborates Pug, _provided_, the oleaginous dipthong that connects the parodial glysses with the nervaqular episode, is not displaced; if so, the most consumit skill ov the profes.h.i.+on will be requisite to restore a secondary unity." Later--"The horce has been turned out tew gra.s.s."

_Sunday, 9th._--This is the Sabbath, a day that our fathers thought a good deal ov. Mutch wind (in sum ov the churches); streets lively, bissiness good; prize fight on the palisades; police reach the ground after the fight is aul over, and arrest the ropes and the ring. Wind sutherly; a lager-beer spring discovered just out ov the limits ov the city; millions are flocking out to see it.

_Monday, 10th._--A gale, mile stuns are torn up bi the rutes; fight for 700 dollars and the belt, at Red Bank, Nu Jersey, between two well known roosters; oysters fust eaten on the half sh.e.l.l 1342, by Don Bivalvo, an Irish Duke; sun sets in the west.

_Tuesday, 11th._--Roosters still fighting; indications ov wind; counterfeit Tens in circulashun on the Faro Bank; look out for them; milk only 15 cents a quart; thank the Lord, "the good time," has finally come; Don Quixot fights his first wind mill, 1510, at short range, and got whipped the second round; time 14 minnits.

9:30 P.M.--Torch-lite procession at Red Bank, in honor ov the winning rooster.

_Wednesday, 12th._--Sum wind, with wet showers; showers smell strong ov dandylions and gra.s.s; gold 132 17-16; exchange on Brooklin and Williamsburgh, one cent (by the ferry boats.)

_Thursday. 13th._--Bad day for the alminak bissiness; no nuze, no wind; no cards; no nothing.

_Friday, 14th._--Wendal Phillips tares up the const.i.tushun ov the United States; "alas! poor Yorick;" rain from abuv; strawberries, watermillions and peaches, gitting skase; rain continners, accompanied with thunder and slight moister; mercury abuv zero.

_Sat.u.r.day, 15th._--Grate fraud diskovered in the custom house--3 dollars missing; fifty subordinates suspended; a wet rain sets in; robbins c.u.m, and immediately begin tew enquire for sum cherrys.

_Sunday, 16th._--Henry W. Beecher preaches in Brooklyn by partickular request; dandylions in market only 15 cents a head.

_Monday, 17th._--Plant sum beans; plant them deep; if yu don't they will be sure tew c.u.m up. Robinson Cruso born 1515, all alone, on a dest.i.tute iland. Warm rain, mixt with wind; woodchucks c.u.m out ov their holes and begin tew chuck a little.

_Tuesday, 18th._--Look out for rain and yu will be apt tew see it; wind sow bi sow west; ice discovered in our Rus.h.i.+on purchiss; miners rus.h.i.+ng that way; geese are seen marching in single phile, a sure indicashun ov the cholera; musketose invented by George Tucker, Esq., 1491; patent applied for but refused, on the ground that they might bight sumboddy.

_Wensday, 19th._--A mare's nest discovered in Ontary county; a warm and slightly liquid rain; thousands ov people hav visited the nest; windy; the old mare is dredfull cross and kickful; hens average an egg a day, beside several cackels.

_Thursday, 20th._--Appearance ov rain; plant corn for early whiskey; frogs hold their fust concert--Ole Bullfrog musical direcktor--matinee every afternoon; snakes are caught wriggling (an old trick ov theirs); a warm and muggy night; yu can hear the bullheads bark; United States buys the iland ov Great Brittain.

LXXII.

SUM NATRAL HISTORY.

"THE CLAM."--The claim iz a bulbous plant, and resides on the under side ov the water. He iz born az the birds are, but don't c.u.m out ov his sh.e.l.l. He iz deserted by his parents, at a young and tender age, but don't bek.u.m clamarous on this akount, but sits still, and keeps watch with hiz mouth, for sumthin tew c.u.m along.

Hiz temper iz sed tew be cold, and clammy, but he must have a relish for sumthing, for hiz mouth waters aul the time. He iz the life ov the kompany at a clam-bake, and sumtimes may be seen sunning a half bush.e.l.l ov himself, in front ov a grocery, and quite often 13 ov them, under the temporarious excitement ov salt and peppersas, hav bin known tew peal, and pitch into a man belo the belt, and kick up-a devil ov a muss with him.

The clam and the oyster are cuzzins, but the oyster haz the best edukashun ov the two; their habits are simlar, but thare iz a grate diffrence in the thickness ov their skulls, and in the softness ov their brains; the oyster would s.h.i.+ne az a poet, in the collums of the monthly * * * * *, while the clam might do the fish market report for the New York daily * * * * *.

Thare iz nothing more docile than the clam, and altho they sumtimes git into a stew, they are az eazy tew lay yure hand on, and ketch, az a stun, but they are like an injun, not very talky; they hav got an impediment in their noize; their lips open with too much t.i.teness, and their mouth iz tew full ov tongue tew be glib.

Thare iz az mutch diffrence in the breed ov clams, az thare iz in the breed ov christians; sum are so tender; and sum are so tuff,--sum are good on the half sh.e.l.l, at a minnitt's notis, and sum want az mutch biling az a hoss shu, and then will stand a good deal ov chawing besides.

Clams were fust diskovered, az the meazles waz, by being caught. How long a clam kan live I don't beleaf they kan tell themselfs, probably 5 thousand years, but a large share ov this time iz wasted; a clam's time aint worth mutch, only tew grow tuff in; it is jiss so with sum other folks I kno ov.

"THE CRAB."--Natur is fond ov a joke.

She must have felt full ov fun, when she made a soft sh.e.l.l crab. The strongest emotion the crab haz iz tew bite. They aint afrade tew bite a sawlog, or a black bear. They are born in the water, but they kan live out doors on the land as long az they kan find ennything tew bite.

They hav several leggs, which are aul lokated on the starboard side ov their person. Crabs liv under cover, like the mud turtles, but they move evry fust ov May, into a new one.

They are sed tew be good eating, but you wouldn't think so tew stand and look at them; it would bother a stranger tew tell where tew begin; it would be a good deal like trying tew make a sudden dinner out ov a kross kut saw.

They are biled in a pot, about 3 bushels ov them, until they stop biting, and then they are done, and are et by throwing away the boddy, and sucking the pith out ov the limbs. It is a good deal like trieng tew get the meat out ov a gra.s.shopper's leggs. It is considered a good day's work to git one dinner out of biled crabs; I think perhaps a person mite sustane life on them, but he would hav tew work nite and day to do it, and keep a smart man biling crabs aul the time. Crabs bite with their feet, and hang on like a country couzin.

LXXIII.

MONOGRAFFS.

THE INQUISITIVE MAN.

Thare iz no commerce which men and wimmin indulge in, that haz so much plezure in it, and at the same time iz subjeckt tew such peculiaritys and abuses, az askin questions.

I hav seen people who could ask questions awl day long, and not looze enny flesh.

Theze kind are like 2 inch augers--espes.h.i.+lly ordained.

They don't seem tew have enny difinite objeckt in view, and therefore seldum git satisfied, but if they ever do git satisfied, they are then awl reddy to begin agin.

They are something like the festiff-muskeeter, they kan liv on nothing, if it iz necessary, but they don't like tew be idle, and the best way to drive them oph, iz tew let them settle, and git full.

The inquisitive man don't seem tew be aktuated by maliss, or envy; he iz only dry, and asking questions iz the only thing that will wet hiz drouth.

They most alwus live tew a good old age, and often die ritch and even virtuous, but never satisfied; yu might az well undertake tew blow up a shad net with wind, az tew fill a genuine quidnunker with nuze.

THE LAZY MAN.

Self-preservashun iz the fust law ov natur, and laziness iz the sekund.

Laziness iz a kind ov moral dispepshee, or a species of virtuous gout.

It iz just az natral for a man tew be lazy, az it iz tew be born.

I never knu a lazy man tew really want ennything, wanting things iz just what spiles a man for laziness. Awl kinds ov laber requires an insentive; thare aint but now and then a man who is anxious tew saw dri hickory wood twice in 2 awl day long jist for fun.

Even boys hav tew be larnt how tew work, just az a dorg haz tew be lernt how to churn b.u.t.ter, and i hav known dorgs, after they had got well lernt, to hide under the barn churning days.