Josh Billings on Ice Part 5

The fare waz kept up for 10 daze, and sum red hot time waz made.

I think 2 minnits and 10 sekunds waz made, (if my memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.)

I forgot tew say that thare was two yoke ov oxens on the ground, beside sevral yokes ov sheep and a pile ov carrots, and some worsted work, but they didn't seem to attrakt enny simpathy.

The people hanker fur pure agrikultural hoss-trots.

XI.

JOSH BILLINGS DEFINES HIS POSITION.

DEAR WORLD:--

I got yure letter by acksident, and reply verry mutch az follers:

I am a black Republican, with white antycedents.

I alwus waz agin slavery ov enny kind; not bekause it was const.i.tutional, but bekause it waz unG.o.dly.

I don't beleave the best judges ov color kan pick out a negro's soul in the Kingdom ov Heaven.

I believe in the doktrine ov secession--if i don't like my home, and am 21, i have a rite tew go oph, but i haint got enny rite tew take the old man's farm or hiz tin-ware with me.

I am in favor ov being made Post-master in our city, but i am about the only man that iz, which speaks well for the disinterestedness ov our citizens.

I am also in favor ov short stories, when a man haint got mutch tew say.

Yours, tenderly,

JOSH BILLINGS.

XII.

COLD PIECES.

It don't appear tew me that envy kan pay well, for those whom we envy most are alwus envying somebody else.

Hope often cheats us, but yet how eazy it is tew forgiv the sa.s.sy jade.

Men ov talents kan be criticised, but a genius kant,--criticism is a mere string and plummet,--the eagle roosts too hi for tape lines.

Mi idee ov fust-rate poetry iz that kind that reads just exactly az I should have wrote it.

Yu kant phool a wise man with praise that aint true.

Persekution will make even kanada thissells grow.

If you trade with a Yankee, steal hiz jack-knife fust; for if he gits tew whitling, yu are gone in spite of thunder.

Pa.s.sion makes more mistakes than ignorance duz.

Fools don't kno their strength; if they did, they would keep still.

Buty iz a dangerous gift; for it is seldum accompanied with much virtue, energy, or wisdum.

Most ennyboddy kan slide down hill: thare iz only now and then one who can slide up hill.

A man may be a very good judge ov a county court, and yet be a very poor judge ov himself.

What a c.u.mfort it iz tew be pittyed by a 200-thousand-dollar friend!

tew be told that better daze are coming! that perseverance will overk.u.m all obstakles! such a warm friend iz just about az much use to you az a painted sun, on a garden wall, would be to ripen sa.s.s with, in a cloudy day.

One ov mi ideas ov a perfect gentleman iz, the man who is eazy to please.

I kno ov no love, that is so much love, and nothing else, az the love ov a father for a daughter.

I love the old primeval forests. I love them bekause they kant be cut up tew enny advantage into village lots.

I hav got a dreadful poor memory, and think I aint sorry for it, for mi experiences in life, thus far have 2 thirds ov them been more pleasant tew forgit than tew remember.

Tru happiness seems tew consist in wanting awl that we kan enjoy, and then gitting awl we want.

I don't belief in total abstinence, enny more than I belief in total blindness, but I do belief in the reasonable gratification ov awl the desires that G.o.d haz given us.

Politeness iz dreadful simple if yu take the ceremony out ov it, but, in sifting out the ceremony, yu will often sift out the politeness.

The most selfish persons I hav ever known hav been those who are alwus professing grate luv for others.

Prudery iz virtue, always willing to be tempted.

Thare iz nothing that will hu a man tew a sharp point like adversity,--adversity iz the hunger ov the soul.

Gold iz the standard ov value, but wisdum iz the standard ov perfekshun; united, they are the standard-bearers ov the world.

XIII.

LETTER FROM JOSH BILLINGS.