Newton Forster Part 47

A few mornings after this colloquy with his uncle, Newton was very busy perambulating the streets of London, in search of various requisites for his trip to India, when his hand was seized before he had time to call to mind the features of the party who shook it with such apparent warmth.

"My dear Mr Forster, I am so delighted to see you, so happy to hear of your gallant adventure with the French squadron. Mrs Plausible will be quite pleased at meeting her old s.h.i.+pmate; she often talks about you. I must make sure of you," continued the doctor, drawing from his pocket a large packet of cards, and inserting, at the top of one of them, Newton Forster's name with his pencil. "This is an invitation to our _conversazione_ of to-morrow night, which you must do us the honour to accept. We shall have all the scientific men of the day, and a very pretty sprinkling of n.o.bility, if not something more. However, you will see. Shall I tell Mrs Plausible that you will come, or will you disappoint her?"

"Why," replied Newton, "if I possibly can I will. I presume the hour is not very precise?"

"O no, from nine until two or three; but if you wish to see great people, about eleven is the exact time."

"Well, then," replied Newton, "the time which suits great people also suits me. I hope Mrs Plausible is quite well."

"Quite well, I thank you. Good-bye;" and Dr Plausible hurried off so quickly, that Newton was induced to look after him, to ascertain what could induce such precipitation. He perceived Dr Plausible shaking hands warmly with another gentleman, and after a few seconds, the packet of cards was again pulled out of his pocket, and the pencil in requisition. It will be necessary to go back a little, to acquaint the reader with what had occurred since the acceptation of Dr Plausible by Miss Tavistock, when they were on board of the Bombay Castle. On their arrival at Madras, Miss Tavistock's early and dearest friend, who resided in the up-country, had commissioned an acquaintance to receive Miss Tavistock until they could make arrangements for her journey to the interior. By this female acquaintance Miss Tavistock was kindly welcomed, and received into her house; but Miss Tavistock's prospects having altered, so had all her devoted attachments to the friend of her early years. She wrote, announcing her intended change of condition, and regretting that Dr Plausible's affairs, requiring his immediate presence in England, would prevent her having the delight of embracing one, who was so entwined round her heart. The letter was nevertheless very cold, and Miss Tavistock was very much abused by her dearest friend, who, disappointed in her expectations, did not even condescend an answer. In a week Miss Tavistock was united to Dr Plausible, and in less than a fortnight afterwards they were on their pa.s.sage home. Dr Plausible found that his wife's report of her circ.u.mstances was correct, and that now he had the means of keeping his carriage and of seeing company in moderation. Shortly after their return Dr Plausible took the lease of a house in a betwixt and between fas.h.i.+onable street, and not wis.h.i.+ng to remain idle, attempted to get into practice as an accoucheur; for although the fortune brought by his wife was considerable, still, to keep his carriage in London, he was obliged "to sail nearer to the wind," in other points than he found agreeable: moreover he was ambitious. A night-bell, with "night-bell" in capital letters over it, that people might be aware in the broad day that it was a night-bell, which of course they could not read in the dark, was attached to one side of the street door. It was as loud as an alarum-bell, and when rung, was to be heard from Number 12 to Number 44, in the street where Dr Plausible resided.

There are little secrets in all trades; and one is, how to obtain practice as a medical man, which whole mystery consists in making people believe that you have a great deal. When this is credited, practice immediately follows; and Dr Plausible was aware of the fact. At first setting off the carriage drew up to the door occasionally, and stood there for some time, when the doctor made his appearance, and stepped in. He then took a round of about three hours through every fas.h.i.+onable part of the town, sitting well forward, that every body might see him, apparently examining his visiting-book. At times he would pull up at some distinguished person's door, where were two or three carriages before him, and getting out, would go in to the porter to ask some frivolous question. Another _ruse_ was, to hammer at some t.i.tled mansion, and inquire for another t.i.tled person, by mistake. This occupied the morning; after which Doctor Plausible returned home.

During the first month the night-bell was rung two or three times a week by the watchman, who was fee'd for his trouble; but after that period it increased its duties, until it was in motion once, if not twice, every night, and his disturbed neighbours wished Doctor Plausible and his extensive practice at the devil. The carriage also was now rattled to the door in a hurry, and Doctor Plausible was seen to enter with his case of instruments, and drive off with rapidity, sometimes twice a day.

In the mean time Mrs Plausible did her part, as she extended her acquaintance with her neighbours. She constantly railed against a medical husband; declared that Doctor Plausible was never at home, and it was impossible to say at what hour they might dine. The tables also were strewed with the cards of great and fas.h.i.+onable people, obtained by Doctor Plausible from a celebrated engraver's shop, by a douceur to the shopman, when the master was absent. At last Doctor Plausible's instruments were used in good earnest; and, although not known or even heard of in the fas.h.i.+onable world, he was sent for by the would-be fas.h.i.+onables, because they imagined that he was employed by their betters. Now it so happened that in the same street there lived another medical man, almost a prototype of Doctor Plausible, only not quite so well off in the world. His name was Doctor Feasible. His practice was not extensive, and he was inc.u.mbered with a wife and large family. He also very naturally wished to extend his practice and his reputation; and, after many fruitless attempts, he at last hit upon a scheme which he thought promised to be successful.

"My dear," said he, one morning to his wife, "I am thinking of getting up a _conversazione_."

"A _conversazione_, my love!--why, is not that a very expensive affair?"

"Why, not very. But if it brings me practice, it will be money well laid out."

"Yes, my love, if it does, and if we had the money to lay out."

"Something must be done. I have hardly a patient left. I have an idea that it will succeed. Go, my dear, and make up this prescription, and let the boy take it to Mrs Bluestone's. I wish I had a couple of dozen of patients like her.--I write her prescriptions, take my fee, and then, that I may be sure that it is properly made up, I volunteer to take it to the chemist's myself."

"Pray, what is the complaint of Mrs Bluestone, my love?"

"Nothing; she over-eats herself--that's all. Abernethy would cure her in twenty-four hours."

"Well, but, my love, about this _conversazione_?"

"Go, and make up the prescription, my dear, and we'll talk the matter over afterwards."

They did so. A list of the people they were acquainted with was drawn out, the expense calculated, and the affair settled.

The first point to be considered was the size of the cards.

"These, my love," said Mrs Feasible, who came in from a long walk with her bonnet still on, "these are three s.h.i.+llings and sixpence a hundred; and these, which are a size larger, are four-and-sixpence. Which do you think we ought to have?"

"Why, really, my dear, when one sends out so many, I do not see why we should incur unnecessary expense. The three-and-sixpenny ones are quite large enough."

"And the engraving will be fourteen s.h.i.+llings."

"Well, that will only be a first expense. _Conversazione_, in old English, of course."

"And here, my love, are the ribbons for the maid's caps and sashes; I bought them at Waterloo House, very cheap, and a very pretty candle-light colour."

"Did you speak to them about their gowns?"

"Yes, my love; Sally and Peggy have each a white gown, Betty I can lend one of my own."

The difference between a _conversazione_ and a rout is simply this:--in the former you are expected to talk or listen; but to be too ethereal to eat. In the latter, to be squeezed in a crowd, and eat ices, etcetera, to cool yourself. A _conversazione_ has, therefore, a great advantage over the latter, as far as the pocket is concerned, it being much cheaper to procure food for the mind than food for the body. It would appear that tea has been as completely established the beverage of modern scientific men, as nectar was formerly that of the G.o.ds. The Athenaeum gives tea; and I observed in a late newspaper, that Lord G--- has promised tea to the Geographical Society. Had his lords.h.i.+p been aware that there was a beverage invented on board a s.h.i.+p much more appropriate to the science over which he presides than tea, I feel convinced he would have subst.i.tuted it immediately; and I therefore take this opportunity of informing him that sailors have long made use of a compound which actually goes by the name of _geograffy_, which is only a trifling corruption of the name of the science, arising from their laying the accent on the penultimate. I will now give his lords.h.i.+p the receipt, which is most simple.

Take a tin-pot, go to the scuttle-b.u.t.t (having obtained permission from the quarter-deck), and draw off about half a pint of very offensive smelling water. To this add a gill of vinegar and a s.h.i.+p's biscuit broke up into small pieces. Stir it well up with the fore-finger; and then with the fore-finger and thumb you may pull out the pieces of biscuit, and eat them as fast as you please, drinking the liquor to wash all down.

Now this would be the very composition to hand round to the Geographical Society. It is not christened geography without a reason; the vinegar and water representing the green sea, and the pieces of biscuit floating in it, the continents and islands which are washed by it.

Now, my lord, do not you thank me for my communication?

But we must return to the _conversazione_ of Doctor and Mrs Feasible.

The company arrived. There was rap after rap. The whole street was astonished with the noise of the wheels and the rattling of the iron steps of the hackney-coaches. Doctor Feasible had procured some portfolios of prints: some Indian idols from a shop in Wardour Street, duly labelled and christened, and several other odds and ends, to create matter of conversation. The company consisted of several medical gentlemen and their wives, the great Mr B---, and the facetious Mr C---. There were ten or twelve authors, or gentlemen suspected of authors.h.i.+p, fourteen or fifteen chemists, all scientific of course, one colonel, half-a-dozen captains, and, to crown all, a city knight and his lady, besides their general acquaintance, unscientific and unprofessional. For a beginning this was very well; and the company departed very hungry, but highly delighted with their evening's entertainment.

"What can all that noise be about?" said Mrs Plausible to her husband, who was sitting with her in the drawing-room, reading the Lancet, while she knotted, or _did not_.

"I am sure I cannot tell, Mrs Plausible."

"There, again! I'm sure if I have heard one, I have heard thirty raps at a door within this quarter of an hour. I'm determined I will know what it is," continued Mrs Plausible, getting up and ringing the bell.

"Thomas, do you know what all that noise is about?" said Mrs Plausible, when the servant answered the bell.

"No, ma'am, I doesn't."

"Well, then, go and see."

"Yes, ma'am."

The impatience of Mrs Plausible, during the absence of Thomas, increased with the repet.i.tion of the knocks.

"Well, Thomas?" said she, as the footman entered. "If you please, ma'am, Mr Feasible has got a conwersation--that's all."

"Got a what?"

"A _conversazione_ he means, my dear. It's very strange that Mr Feasible should pretend to give such a thing!"

"I think so too," replied the lady. "He keeps no carriage. What can be his inducement!"

"I perceive," replied Dr Plausible, "he wants to get practice. Depend upon it that's his plan. A sprat to catch a mackerel!"

Husband and wife were again silent, and resumed their occupations; but the Lancet was not read, and the knotting was all in knots, for they were both in a brown study. At last Mrs Plausible commenced--

"I really do not see, my dear, why we should not give a _conversazione_ as well as Dr Feasible?"

"I was just thinking that we could give them much better; our acquaintance now is very numerous."

"And very respectable," replied the lady; "it will make us more known in the world."

"And add to my practice. I'll soon beat Doctor Feasible out of the field!"