Autobiography of a Pocket-Handkerchief Part 17

"The interest, then, would be $3,500. Now 27 multiplied by 130--" here Tom took out his pencil and began to cypher--"make just 3510, or rather more than the whole amount of the interest. Well, when you come to deduct taxes, charges, losses and other things, the best invested estate of $3,500 per annum, will not yield more than $3,000, nett.

Suppose a marriage, and the husband has ONLY $1,000 for his pocket, this would bring down the ways and means to $2,000 per annum; or less than a hundredth part of the expense of keeping ONE pocket-handkerchief; and when you come to include rent, fuel, marketing, and other necessaries, you see, my dear Miss Monson, there is a great deal of poetry in paying so much for a pocket-handkerchief."

"I believe I understand you, sir, and shall endeavor to profit by the lesson. As I am wanted, you will now excuse me, Mr. Thurston--my father's step is in the hall--" so Julia, in common with all other Manhattanese, called a pa.s.sage, or entry, five feet wide--"and to him I must refer you."

This was said merely as an excuse for quitting the room. But Tom received it literally and figuratively, at the same time.

CHAPTER XVIII.

Accustomed to think of marrying as his means of advancement, he somewhat reasonably supposed "refer you to my father" meant consent, so far as the young lady was concerned, and he determined to improve the precious moments. Fortunately for his ideas, Mr. Monson did not enter the room immediately, which allowed the gentleman an opportunity for a little deliberation. As usual, his thoughts took the direction of a mental soliloquy, much in the following form.

"This is getting on famously," thought Tom. "Refer you to my father--well, that is compact and comprehensive, at the same time. I wish her dandruff had got up when I mentioned only $50,000. Seriously, that is but a small sum to make one's way on. If I had a footing of my own, in society, $50,000 MIGHT do; but, when a fellow has to work his way by means of dinners, horses, and et ceteras, it's a small allowance. It's true, the Monsons will give me connections, and connections are almost--not quite--as good as money to get a chap along with--but, the d--l of the matter is, that connections eat and drink. I dare say the Monson set will cost me a good $500 a year, though they will save something in the way of the feed they must give in their turns. I wish I had tried her with a higher figure, for, after all, it may have been only modesty--some women are as modest as the d--l. But here comes old Monson, and I must strike while the iron is hot."

{dandruff = dander--but while "dander" can mean dandruff as well as temper, the reverse is not true}

"Good morning, Mr. Thurston," said the father, looking a little surprised at seeing such a guest at three o'clock. "What, alone with my daughter's fine pocket-handkerchief? You must find that indifferent company."

"Not under the circ.u.mstances, sir. Every thing is agreeable to us that belongs to an object we love."

"Love? That is a strong term, Mr. Thurston--one that I hope you have uttered in pure gallantry."

"Not at all, sir," cried Tom, falling on his knees, as a school boy reads the wrong paragraph in the confusion of not having studied his lesson well--"adorable and angelic--I beg your pardon, Mr.

Monson,"--rising, and again brus.h.i.+ng his knees with some care--"my mind is in such a state of confusion, that I scarcely know what I say."

"Really, I should think so, or you could never mistake me for a young girl of twenty. Will you have the goodness to explain this matter to me?"

"Yes, sir--I'm referred."

"Referred? Pray, what may that mean in particular?"

"Only, sir, that I'm referred--I do not ask a dollar, sir. Her lovely mind and amiable person are all I seek, and I only regret that she is so rich. I should be the happiest fellow in the world, Mr. Monson, if the angelic Julia had not a cent."

"The angelic Julia must be infinitely indebted to you, Mr. Thurston; but let us take up this affair in order. What am I to understand, sir, by your being referred?"

"That Miss Julia, in answer to my suit, has referred me to you, sir."

"Then, so far as she herself is concerned, you wish me to understand that she accepts you?"

"Certainly--she accepted, some time since, with as heavenly a 'yes' as ever came from the ruby lips of love."

"Indeed! This is so new to me, sir, that you must permit me to see my daughter a moment, ere I give a definite answer."

Hereupon Mr. Monson left the room, and Tom began to THINK again.

"Well," he thought, "things DO go on swimmingly at last. This is the first time I could ever get at a father, though I've offered to six-and-twenty girls. One does something like a living business with a father. I don't know but I rather overdid it about the dollar, though it's according to rule to seem disinterested at first, even if you quarrel like furies, afterwards, about the stuff. Let me see--had I best begin to screw him up in this interview, or wait for the next? A few hints, properly thrown out, may be useful at once. Some of these old misers hold on to every thing till they die, fancying it a mighty pleasant matter to chaps that can't support themselves to support THEIR daughters by industry, as they call it. I'm as industrious as a young fellow can be, and I owe six months' board, at this very moment.

No--no--I'll walk into him at once, and give him what Napoleon used to call a demonstration."

The door opened, and Mr. Monson entered, his face a little flushed, and his eye a little severe. Still he was calm in tone and manner. Julia had told him all in ten words.

"Now, Mr. Thurston, I believe I understand this matter," said the father, in a very business-like manner; "you wish to marry my daughter?"

"Exactly, sir; and she wishes to marry me--that is, as far as comports with the delicacy of the female bosom."

"A very timely reservation. And you are referred?"

"Yes, Mr. Monson, those cheering words have solaced my ears--I am referred. The old chap," aside, "likes a little humbug, as well as a girl."

"And you will take her without a cent, you say?"

"Did I, sir? I believe I didn't exactly say that--DOLLAR was the word I mentioned. CENTS could hardly be named between you and me."

"Dollar let it be, then. Now, sir, you have my consent on a single condition."

"Name it, sir. Name five or six, at once, my dear Mr. Monson, and you shall see how I will comply."

"One will answer. How much fortune do you think will be necessary to make such a couple happy, at starting in the world? Name such a sum as will comport with your own ideas."

"How much, sir? Mr. Monson, you are a model of generosity! You mean, to keep a liberal and gentlemanly establishment, as would become your son-in-law?"

"I do--such a fortune as will make you both easy and comfortable."

"Horses and carriages, of course? Every thing on a genteel and liberal scale?"

"On such a scale as will insure the happiness of man and wife."

"Mutual esteem--conjugal felicity--and all that. I suppose you include dinners, sir, and a manly compet.i.tion with one's fellow citizens, in real New York form?"

"I mean all that can properly belong to the expenses of a gentleman and lady."

"Yes, sir--exceedingly liberal--liberal as the rosy dawn. Why, sir, meeting your proposition in the spirit in which it is offered, I should say Julia and I could get along very comfortably on $100,000. Yes, we could make that do, provided the money were well invested--no fancy stocks."

"Well, sir, I am glad we understand each other so clearly. If my daughter really wish to marry you, I will give $50,000 of this sum, as soon as you can show me that you have as much more to invest along with it."

"Sir--Mr. Monson!"

"I mean that each party shall lay down dollar for dollar!"

"I understand what you mean, sir. Mr. Monson, that would be degrading lawful wedlock to the level of a bet--a game of cards--a mercenary, contemptible bargain. No, sir--nothing shall ever induce me to degrade this honorable estate to such pitiful conditions!"

"Dollar for dollar, Mr. Thurston!"

"Holy wedlock! It is violating the best principles of our nature."

"Give and take!"

"Leveling the sacred condition of matrimony to that of a mere bargain for a horse or a dog!"

"Half and half!"