The Parent's Assistant Part 24

_Lord J._ As much a mistake as your singing it, sir, I presume----

_Rory._ Just as much. 'Twas all a mistake. So now don't you go and make a mistake into a misunderstanding. It was I made every word of the song _out o' the face_[10]--that about the back that never was bent, and the ancestors of the oyster, and all. He did not waste a word of it; upon my conscience, I wrote it all--though I'll engage you didn't think I could write such a good thing. (_Lord John turns away._) I'm telling you the truth, and not a word of a lie, and yet you won't believe me.

[10] From beginning to end.

_Lord J._ You will excuse me, sir, if I cannot believe two contradictory a.s.sertions within two minutes. Mr. Talbot, I thank you (_going_).

(_Rory tries to stop Lord John from going, but cannot.--Exit Lord John._)

_Rory._ Well, if he _will_ go, let him go then, and much good may it do him. Nay, but don't you go too.

_Talb._ O Rory, what have you done?--(_Talbot runs after Lord J._) Hear me, my lord.

(_Exit Talbot._)

_Rory._ Hear him! hear him! hear him!--Well, I'm point blank mad with myself for making this blunder; but how could I help it? As sure as ever I am meaning to do the best thing on earth, it turns out the worst.

_Enter a party of lads, huzzaing._

_Rory_ (_joins_). Huzza! huzza!--Who, pray, are ye huzzaing for?

_1st Boy._ Wheeler! Wheeler for ever! huzza!

_Rory._ Talbot! Talbot for ever! huzza! Captain Talbot for ever! huzza!

_2nd Boy._ _Captain_ he'll never be,--at least not to-morrow; for Lord John has just declared for Wheeler.

_1st Boy._ And that turns the scale.

_Rory._ Oh, the scale may turn back again.

_3rd Boy._ Impossible! Lord John has just given his _promise_ to Wheeler. I heard him with my own ears.

(_Several speak at once._) And I heard him; and I! and I! and I!--Huzza!

Wheeler for ever!

_Rory._ Oh, murder! murder! murder! (_Aside._) This goes to my heart!

it's all my doing. O, my poor Talbot! murder! murder! murder! But I won't let them see me cast down, and it is good to be huzzaing at all events. Huzza for Talbot! Talbot for ever! huzza!

(_Exit._)

_Enter_ WHEELER _and_ BURSAL.

_Wheel._ Who was that huzzaing for Talbot?

(_Rory behind the scenes_, 'Huzza for Talbot! Talbot for ever!

huzza!')

_Burs._ Pooh, it is only Rory O'Ryan, or the roaring lion, as I call him. Ha! ha! ha! Rory O'Ryan, _alias_ O'Ryan, the roaring lion; that's a good one; put it about--Rory O'Ryan, the roaring lion, ha! ha! ha! but you don't take it--you don't laugh, Wheeler.

_Wheeler._ Ha! ha! ha! Oh, upon my honour I do laugh; ha! ha! ha! (_It is the hardest work to laugh at his wit--aside._) (_Aloud._) Rory O'Ryan, the roaring lion--ha! ha! ha! You know I always laugh, Bursal, at your jokes--he! he! he!--ready to kill myself.

_Burs._ (_sullenly_). You are easily killed, then, if that much laughing will do the business.

_Wheel._ (_coughing_). Just then--something stuck in my throat; I beg your pardon.

_Burs._ (_still sullen_). Oh, you need not beg my pardon about the matter; I don't care whether you laugh or no--not I. Now you have got Lord John to declare for you, you are above laughing at my jokes, I suppose.

_Wheel._ No, upon my word and honour, _I did_ laugh.

_Burs._ (_aside_). A fig for your word and honour. (_Aloud._) I know I'm of no consequence now; but you'll remember that, if his lords.h.i.+p has the honour of making you captain, he must have the honour to pay for your captain's accoutrements; for I shan't pay the piper, I promise you, since I'm of no consequence.

_Wheel._ Of no consequence! But, my dear Bursal, what could put that into your head? that's the strangest, oddest fancy. Of no consequence!

Bursal, of no consequence! Why, everybody that knows anything--everybody that has seen Bursal House--knows that you are of the greatest consequence, my dear Bursal.

_Burs._ (_taking out his watch, and opening it, looks at it_). No, I'm of no consequence. I wonder that rascal Finsbury is not come yet with the dresses (_still looking at his watch_).

_Wheel._ (_aside_). If Bursal takes it into his head not to lend me the money to pay for my captain's dress, what will become of me? for I have not a s.h.i.+lling--and Lord John won't pay for me--and Finsbury has orders not to leave the house till he is paid by everybody. What will become of me?--(_bites his nails_).

_Burs._ (_aside_). How I love to make him bite his nails! (_Aloud._) I know I'm of no consequence. (_Strikes his repeater._)

_Wheel._ What a fine repeater that is of yours, Bursal! It is the best I ever heard.

_Burs._ So it well may be; for it cost a mint of money.

_Wheel._ No matter to you what anything costs. Happy dog as you are! You roll in money; and yet you talk of being of no consequence.

_Burs._ But I am not of half so much consequence as Lord John--am I?

_Wheel._ Are you? Why, aren't you twice as rich as he!

_Burs._ Very true, but I'm not purse-proud.

_Wheel._ You purse-proud! I should never have thought of such a thing.

_Burs._ Nor I, if Talbot had not used the word.

_Wheel._ But Talbot thinks everybody purse-proud that has a purse.

_Burs._ (_aside_). Well, this Wheeler does put one into a good humour with one's self in spite of one's teeth. (_Aloud._) Talbot says blunt things; but I don't think he's what you can call clever--hey, Wheeler?

_Wheel._ Clever! Oh, not he.

_Burs._ I think I could walk round him.

_Wheel._ To be sure you could. Why, do you know, I've _quizzed_ him famously myself within this quarter of an hour?

_Burs._ Indeed! I wish I had been by.