Six One-Act Plays Part 27

KING--I came back for my cane, and I'm not going to leave without it.

(_Horn blows again._)

GENTLEMAN--Hang it all, we'll be dreadfully late.

SELINA--(_In an ecstasy of fear._) No, no, stay here till they go.

(_Leans against screen, which shakes, and almost falls over._)

MISS BROWN--What's back of that screen? I saw it move!

(_Goes toward screen. Bart and King make a bolt for the door, and Officer stops them._)

MISS BROWN--(_Discovering Selina and Gentleman._) Pipe these two dolls, will ye?

(_Selina draws scarf over face, and hurries toward door._)

OFFICER--(_Detaining her._) Not so fast please, I want to see you first.

GENTLEMAN--We're all right officer, just waiting here out of the cold, while my car was being--

OFFICER--(_With easy familiarity to Selina._) h.e.l.lo kid, where did you hook the gown?

GENTLEMAN--Officer!

OFFICER--Easy, boy, easy.

SELINA--Let me pa.s.s, you have no right to detain me.

GENTLEMAN--This is an outrage. I'll report you.

OFFICER--(_To Selina._) Some style to you now, kid. Who you workin'?

Must have money to rig you out like that!

SELINA--Let me pa.s.s, I tell you, let me pa.s.s!

OFFICER--You're a wonder, Lena. Your own mother wouldn't know you.

BART--My gos.h.!.+

GENTLEMAN--How dare you insult this lady?

OFFICER--Say, what are you b.u.t.tin' in for? Who are you anyway? What's it matter to you?

GENTLEMAN--Everything. I'll not let you bulldoze a lady who's going to be my wife.

OFFICER--She's not going to be your wife while I'm alive, Clarence.

GENTLEMAN--What do you mean?

OFFICER--I don't believe in divorce, and--

SELINA--(_In suppressed rage._) Keep quiet, will you!

OFFICER--(_Coolly._) And she happens to be _my_ wife.

(_General consternation._)

GENTLEMAN--Good heavens!

BART--Great fis.h.!.+

KING--I'll be darned!

MISS BROWN--They're all dotty. The whole fool ranch is dotty.

GENTLEMAN--(_Tensely, to Selina._) Is this true, tell me, is this true?

SELINA--(_Shrugging shoulders._) Oh, what's the use!

OFFICER--Sure, it ain't any use, Lena, but if you're havin' a good time, go to it. Gawd knows I don't want any more of ye.

(_Horn blows again._)

GENTLEMAN--I must be going.

SELINA--Would you mind dropping me at my apartments?

GENTLEMAN--(_Coldly._) Certainly not, if you wish.

(_Exeunt Selina and Gentleman. Bart, King and Officer bow to her with mock courtesy as she pa.s.ses them._)

OFFICER--She's got her nerve, all right. Knew I picked a pippin' when I married her. She'll cook up some story to hoodwink him before they get to her apartments. (_Stands in doorway, meditatively._)

KING--Died in her mother's arms! And I've been keeping the fict.i.tious old lady eight years.

BART--I'll put no flowers on her grave, the siren.

KING--She worked us all very nicely, didn't she?

BART--(_Suddenly._) King, our hands are bloodless. We have not murdered Selina!

(_King and Bart fall into one another's arms, overcome with emotion.

Miss Brown watches them a moment in supreme disgust._)

MISS BROWN--(_To Boy._) Put on a fox trot, Jimmie, maybe it'll bring them to, the poor prunes!

(_Boy puts on record._)

(_CURTAIN_)