The Works of Charles and Mary Lamb Volume IV Part 54

LANDLORD What is done can't be undone; you can't make a silken purse out of a sow's ear.

MR. H.

As you say, Landlord, thinking of a thing does but augment it.

LANDLORD Does but _hogment_ it, indeed, Sir.

MR. H.

_Hogment_ it! d.a.m.n it, I said, augment it.

LANDLORD Lord, Sir, 'tis not every body has such gift of fine phrases as your Honour, that can lard his discourse.

MR. H.

Lard!

LANDLORD Suppose they do smoke you--

MR. H.

Smoke me?

LANDLORD One of my phrases; never mind my words, Sir, my meaning is good. We all mean the same thing, only you express yourself one way, and I another, that's all. The meaning's the same; it is all pork.

MR. H.

That's another of your phrases, I presume. _(Bell rings, and the Landlord called for.)_

LANDLORD Anon, anon.

MR. H.

O, I wish I were anonymous.

[_Exeunt several ways._]

SCENE.--_Melesinda's Apartment_.

(_MELESINDA and Maid._)

MAID Lord, Madam! before I'd take on as you do about a foolish--what signifies a name? Hogs--Hogs--what is it--is just as good as any other for what I see.

MELESINDA Ignorant creature! yet she is perhaps blest in the absence of those ideas, which, while they add a zest to the few pleasures which fall to the lot of superior natures to enjoy, doubly edge the--

MAID Superior natures! a fig! If he's hog by name, he's not hog by nature, that don't follow--his name don't make him any thing, does it? He don't grunt the more for it, nor squeak, that ever I hear; he likes his victuals out of a plate, as other Christians do, you never see him go to the trough--

MELESINDA Unfeeling wretch! yet possibly her intentions--

MAID For instance, Madam, my name is Finch--Betty Finch. I don't whistle the more for that, nor long after canary-seed while I can get good wholesome mutton--no, nor you can't catch me by throwing salt on my tail. If you come to that, hadn't I a young man used to come after me, they said courted me--his name was Lion--Francis Lion, a tailor; but though he was fond enough of me, for all that, he never offered to eat me.

MELESINDA How fortunate that the discovery has been made before it was too late.

Had I listened to his deceits, and, as the perfidious man had almost persuaded me, precipitated myself into an inextricable engagement, before--

MAID No great harm, if you had. You'd only have bought a pig in a poke--and what then? Oh, here he comes creeping--

_Enter_ MR. H. _abject_.

Go to her, Mr. Hogs--Hogs--Hogsbristles--what's your name? Don't be afraid, man--don't give it up--she's not crying--only _summat_ has made her eyes red--she has got a sty in her eye, I believe--(_going_.)

MELESINDA You are not going, Betty?

MAID O, Madam, never mind me--I shall be back in the twinkling of a pig's whisker, as they say. [_Exit_.]

MR. H.

Melesinda, you behold before you a wretch who would have betrayed your confidence, but it was love that prompted him; who would have tricked you by an unworthy concealment into a partic.i.p.ation of that disgrace which a superficial world has agreed to attach to a name--but with it you would have shared a fortune not contemptible, and a heart--but 'tis over now. That name he is content to bear alone--to go where the persecuted syllables shall be no more heard, or excite no meaning --some spot where his native tongue has never penetrated, nor any of his countrymen have landed, to plant their unfeeling satire, their brutal wit, and national ill manners--where no Englishman--(_Here Melesinda, who has been pouting during this speech, fetches a deep sigh_.) Some yet undiscovered Otaheite, where witless, unapprehensive savages shall innocently p.r.o.nounce the ill-fated sounds, and think them not inharmonious.

MELESINDA Oh!

MR. H.

Who knows but among the female natives might be found--

MELESINDA Sir! (_raising her head_).

MR. H.

One who would be more kind than--some Oberea--Queen Oberea.

MELESINDA Oh!

MR. H.

Or what if I were to seek for proofs of reciprocal esteem among unprejudiced African maids, in Monomotopa.

_Enter Servant_.

SERVANT Mr. Belvil. [_Exit_.]

_Enter_ BELVIL.

MR. H.

In Monornotopa (_musing_.)

BELVIL Heyday, Jack! what means this mortified face? nothing has happened, I hope, between this lady and you? I beg pardon, Madam, but understanding my friend was with you, I took the liberty of seeking him here. Some little difference possibly which a third person can adjust--not a word--will you, Madam, as this gentleman's friend, suffer me to be the arbitrator--strange--hark'e, Jack, nothing has come out, has there? you understand me. Oh I guess how it is--somebody has got at your secret, you hav'n't blabbed it yourself, have you? ha! ha! ha! I could find in my heart--Jack, what would you give me if I should relieve you--

MR. H.

No power of man can relieve me (_sighs_) but it must lie at the root, gnawing at the root--here it will lie.

BELVIL No power of man? not a common man, I grant you; for instance, a subject--it's out of the power of any subject.

MR. H.

Gnawing at the root--there it will lie.