Burlesques Part 19

"But there's a tumminus to hevery Railway. Fred's was approachin: in an evil hour he began making TIME-BARGINGS. Let this be a warning to all young fellers, and Fred's huntimely hend hoperate on them in a moral pint of vu!

"You all know under what favrabble suckemstanses the Great Hafrican Line, the Grand Niger Junction, or Gold Coast and Timbuctoo (Provishnal) Hatmospheric Railway came out four weeks ago: deposit ninepence per share of 20L. (six elephant's teeth, twelve tons of palm-oil, or four healthy n.i.g.g.e.rs, African currency)--the shares of this helegeble investment rose to 1, 2, 3, in the Markit. A happy man was Fred when, after paying down 100 ninepences (3L. 15s.), he sold his shares for 250L. He gave a dinner at the 'Star and Garter' that very day. I promise you there was no Marsally THERE.

"Nex day they were up at 3 1/4. This put Fred in a rage: they rose to 5, he was in a fewry. 'What an a.s.s I was to sell,' said he, 'when all this money was to be won!'

"'And so you WERE an a.s.s,' said his partiklar friend, Colonel Claw, K.X.R., a director of the line, 'a double-eared a.s.s. My dear fellow, the shares will be at 15 next week. Will you give me your solemn word of honor not to breathe to mortal man what I am going to tell you?'

"'Honor bright,' says Fred.

"'HUDSON HAS JOINED THE LINE.' Fred didn't say a word more, but went tumbling down to the City in his Broom. You know the state of the streets. Claw WENT BY WATER.

"'Buy me one thousand Hafricans for the 30th,' cries Fred, busting into his broker's; and they were done for him at 4 7/8.

"Can't you guess the rest? Haven't you seen the Share List? which says:--

"'Great Africans, paid 9d.; price 1/4 par.'

"And that's what came of my pore dear friend Timmins's time-barging.

"What'll become of him I can't say; for n.o.body has seen him since. His lodgins in Jerming Street is to let. His brokers in vain deplores his absence. His Uncle has declared his marriage with his housekeeper; and the Morning Erald (that emusing print) has a paragraf yesterday in the fashnabble news, headed 'Marriage in High Life.--The rich and beautiful Miss Mulligatawney, of Portland Place, is to be speedily united to Colonel Claw, K.X.R.'

"JEAMES."

JEAMES ON THE GAUGE QUESTION.

"You will scarcely praps reckonize in this little skitch* the haltered linimints of 1, with woos face the reders of your valluble mislny were once fimiliar,--the unfortnt Jeames de la Pluche, fomly so selabrated in the fashnabble suckles, now the pore Jeames Plush, landlord of the 'Wheel of Fortune' public house. Yes, that is me; that is my haypun which I wear as becomes a publican--those is the checkers which h.o.r.n.yment the pillows of my dor. I am like the Romin Genral, St.

Cenatus, equal to any emudgency of Fortun. I, who have drunk Shampang in my time, aint now abov droring a pint of Small Bier. As for my wife--that Angel--I've not ventured to depigt HER. Fansy her a sittn in the Bar, smiling like a sunflower and, ho, dear Punch! happy in nussing a deer little darlint totsywotsy of a Jeames, with my air to a curl, and my i's to a T!

* This refers to an ill.u.s.trated edition of the work.

"I never thought I should have been injuiced to write anything but a Bill agin, much less to edress you on Railway Subjix--which with all my sole I ABAW. Railway letters, obbligations to pay hup, ginteal inquirys as to my Salissator's name, &c. &c., I dispize and scorn artily. But as a man, an usbnd, a father, and a freebon Brittn, my jewty compels me to come forwoods, and igspress my opinion upon that NASHNAL NEWSANCE--the break of Gage.

"An interesting ewent in a n.o.ble family with which I once very nearly had the honor of being kinected, acurd a few weex sins, when the Lady Angelina S----, daughter of the Earl of B----cres, presented the gallant Capting, her usband, with a Son & hair. Nothink would satasfy her Ladys.h.i.+p but that her old and attacht famdyshamber, my wife Mary Hann Plush, should be presnt upon this hospicious occasion. Captain S---- was not jellus of me on account of my former attachment to his Lady. I cunsented that my Mary Hann should attend her, and me, my wife, and our dear babby acawdingly set out for our noable frend's residence, Honeymoon Lodge, near Cheltenham.

"Sick of all Railroads myself, I wisht to poast it in a Chay and 4, but Mary Hann, with the hobstenacy of her s.e.x, was bent upon Railroad travelling, and I yealded, like all husbinds. We set out by the Great Westn, in an eavle Hour.

"We didnt take much luggitch--my wife's things in the ushal bandboxes--mine in a potmancho. Our dear little James Angelo's (called so in complament to his n.o.ble G.o.dmamma) craddle, and a small supply of a few 100 weight of Topsanbawtems, Farinas.h.i.+ous food, and Lady's fingers, for that dear child, who is now 6 months old, with a PERDIDGUS APPAt.i.tE.

Likewise we were charged with a bran new Medsan chest for my lady, from Skivary & Morris, containing enough Rewbub, Daffy's Alixir, G.o.dfrey's cawdle, with a few score of parsles for Lady Hangelina's family and owsehold: about 2000 spessymins of Babby linning from Mrs. Flummary's in Regent Street, a Chayny Cresning bowl from old Lady Bareacres (big enough to immus a Halderman), & a case marked 'Gla.s.s,' from her ladys.h.i.+p's meddicle man, which were stowed away together; had to this an ormylew Cradle, with rose-colored Satting & Pink lace hangings, held up by a gold tuttle-dove, &c. We had, ingluding James Hangelo's rattle & my umbrellow, 73 packidges in all.

"We got on very well as far as Swindon, where, in the Splendid Refreshment room, there was a galaxy of lovely gals in cottn velvet spencers, who serves out the soop, and 1 of whom maid an impresshn upon this Art which I shoodn't like Mary Hann to know--and here, to our infanit disgust, we changed carridges. I forgot to say that we were in the seeknd cla.s.s, having with us James Hangelo, and 23 other light harticles.

"Fust inconveniance: and almost as bad as break of gage. I cast my hi upon the gal in cottn velvet, and wanted some soop, of coa.r.s.e; but seasing up James Hangelo (who was layin his dear little pors on an Am Sangwidg) and seeing my igspresshn of hi--'James,' says Mary Hann, 'instead of looking at that young lady--and not so VERY young neither--be pleased to look to our packidges, & place them in the other carridge.' I did so with an evy Art. I eranged them 23 articles in the opsit carridg, only missing my umberella & baby's rattle; and jest as I came back for my baysn of soop, the beast of a bell rings, the whizzling injians proclayms the time of our departure,--& farewell soop and cottn velvet. Mary Hann was sulky. She said it was my losing the umberella.

If it had been a COTTON VELVET UMBERELLA I could have understood. James Hangelo sittn on my knee was evidently unwell; without his coral: & for 20 miles that blessid babby kep up a rawring, which caused all the pa.s.singers to simpithize with him igseedingly.

"We arrive at Gloster, and there fansy my disgust at bein ableeged to undergo another change of carridges! Fansy me holding up moughs, tippits, cloaks, and baskits, and James Hangelo rawring still like mad, and pretending to shuperintend the carrying over of our luggage from the broad gage to the narrow gage. 'Mary Hann,' says I, rot to desperation, 'I shall throttle this darling if he goes on.' 'Do,' says she--'and GO INTO THE REFRESHMENT room,' says she--a s.n.a.t.c.hin the babby out of my arms. Do go,' says she, youre not fit to look after luggage,' and she began lulling James Hangelo to sleep with one hi, while she looked after the packets with the other. Now, Sir! if you please, mind that packet!--pretty darling--easy with that box, Sir, its gla.s.s--pooooty poppet--where's the deal case, marked arrowroot, No. 24?' she cried, reading out of a list she had.--And poor little James went to sleep.

The porters were bundling and carting the various harticles with no more ceremony than if each package had been of cannonball.

"At last--bang goes a package marked 'Gla.s.s,' and containing the Chayny bowl and Lady Bareacres' mixture, into a large white bandbox, with a crash and a smash. 'It's My Lady's box from Crinoline's!' cries Mary Hann; and she puts down the child on the bench, and rushes forward to inspect the dammidge. You could hear the Chayny bowls clinking inside; and Lady B.'s mixture (which had the igsack smell of cherry brandy) was dribbling out over the smashed bandbox containing a white child's cloak, trimmed with Blown lace and lined with white satting.

"As James was asleep, and I was by this time uncommon hungry, I thought I WOULD go into the Refreshment Room and just take a little soup; so I wrapped him up in his cloak and laid him by his mamma, and went off.

There's not near such good attendance as at Swindon.

"We took our places in the carriage in the dark, both of us covered with a pile of packages, and Mary Hann so sulky that she would not speak for some minutes. At last she spoke out--

"'Have you all the small parcels?'

"'Twenty-three in all,' says I.

"'Then give me baby.'

"'Give you what?' says I.

"'Give me baby.'

"'What, haven't y-y-yoooo got him?' says I.

"O Mussy! You should have heard her sreak! WE'D LEFT HIM ON THE LEDGE AT GLOSTER.

"It all came of the break of gage."

MR. JEAMES AGAIN.

"DEAR MR. PUNCH,--As newmarus inquiries have been maid both at my privit ressddence, 'The Wheel of Fortune Otel,' and at your Hoffis, regarding the fate of that dear babby, James Hangelo, whose primmiture dissappearnts caused such hagnies to his distracted parents, I must begg, dear sir, the permission to ockupy a part of your valuble collams once more, and hease the public mind about my blessid boy.

"Wictims of that nashnal cuss, the Broken Gage, me and Mrs. Plush was left in the train to Cheltenham, soughring from that most disgreeble of complaints, a halmost BROKEN ART. The skreems of Mrs. Jeames might be said almost to out-Y the squeel of the dying, as we rusht into that fashnable Spaw, and my pore Mary Hann found it was not Baby, but Bundles I had in my lapp.

"When the Old Dowidger Lady Bareacres, who was waiting heagerly at the train, herd that owing to that abawminable Brake of Gage the luggitch, her Ladys.h.i.+p's Cherrybrandy box, the cradle for Lady Hangelina's baby, the lace, crockary and chany, was rejuiced to one immortial smash; the old cat howld at me and pore dear Mary Hann, as if it was huss, and not the infunnle Brake of Gage, was to blame; and as if we ad no misfortns of our hown to deplaw. She bust out about my stupid imparence; called Mary Hann a good for nothink creecher, and wep, and abewsd, and took on about her broken Chayny Bowl, a great deal mor than she did about a dear little Christian child. 'Don't talk to me abowt your bratt of a babby'

(seshe); 'where's my bowl?--where's my medsan?--where's my bewtiffle Pint lace?--All in rewing through your stupiddaty, you brute, you!'

"'Bring your haction aginst the Great Western, Maam,' says I, quite riled by this crewel and unfealing hold wixen. 'Ask the pawters at Gloster, why your goods is spiled--it's not the fust time they've been asked the question. Git the gage haltered aginst the nex time you send for MEDSAN and meanwild buy some at the "Plow"--they keep it very good and strong there, I'll be bound. Has for us, WE'RE a going back to the cussid station at Gloster, in such of our blessid child.'

"'You don't mean to say, young woman,' seshe, 'that you're not going to Lady Hangelina: what's her dear boy to do? who's to nuss it?'

"'YOU nuss it, Maam,' says I. 'Me and Mary Hann return this momint by the Fly.' And so (whis.h.i.+ng her a suckastic ajew) Mrs. Jeames and I lep into a one oss weakle, and told the driver to go like mad back to Gloster.

"I can't describe my pore gals hagny juring our ride. She sat in the carridge as silent as a milestone, and as madd as a march Air. When we got to Gloster she sprang hout of it as wild as a Tigris, and rusht to the station, up to the fatle Bench.

"'My child, my child,' shreex she, in a hoss, hot voice. 'Where's my infant? a little bewtifle child, with blue eyes,--dear Mr. Policeman, give it me--a thousand guineas for it.'