Two Burlesques of Lord Chesterfield's Letters Part 3

LORD CHESTERFIELD'S

ADVICE TO

HIS SON,

VERSIFIED.

[a] "Sufficiently master of Latin and Greek,"

You now, with the Graces, acquaintance must seek, On Ida, we're told, the fair G.o.ddesses dwell, Invoke them by strong incantation, and spell, Your incense once paid, on their candour rely, "[b] With ardour pursu'd, they of course will comply; "[c] So well know the poets their use my good friend, "They make 'em, all three, upon Venus attend; "And surely, if Venus, attractions cou'd need, "Minerva, ungrac'd, cannot hope to succeed;"

Courage! mon garcon, throw the pedant aside, And 'stead of friend [1]Harte, adopt me for your guide, In courts, at ruells, you can ne'er hope to s.h.i.+ne, Unless with the virtues, the Graces combine: [a] Page 5. second volume.

[b] Page 92. second volume.

[c] Page 33. ditto.

I beg you'll acquire, or we ne'er shall agree, The air, the _tournure, de la bonne compagnie_, "[d] This soon among people of fash'on you'll catch, "If careful you are, their behav'our to watch; "Observe their address, and pray likewise contrive, "Deep into the springs of their actions, to dive: "'Bove all things, have art to discover each failing, "Their merit particular, weakness prevailing; "This accomplish'd, advantage you'll infinite reap, "And may safe of their heads, and their hearts, take a peep."

Form friends.h.i.+ps, but let it be only with those On whose fond credulity you may impose; Their confidence gain'd, unsuspected you'll soon, Discover their secrets, and make them your own; 'Tis of honor no breach, to betray thus a friend, If you find, to your int'rest, 'twill visibly tend: These maxims, thro' life, I wou'd have you pursue, I practis'd them once, and now hand them to you; Successful they were, they brought honors and fame, For still I had art to preserve my good name; "[e] 'Twere wrong to suppose, what the polish'd world say; "That in manners, and carr'age, you're horrid _outre_;"

"Your air [2]Pollisson, and the taste of your cloaths, "Makes you pa.s.s for a Bourgeois that n.o.body knows; "In short, that you want, since the truth I must own, "[3]_Tous ces pet.i.ts riens qui donnent le bon ton_."

"[f] I happen'd, by chance, to step in tother day, "To a print-shop, that luckily, stood in my way, "Where a print, for your use, I took pains to select, "And hope to my taste, you will pay due respect; "'Tis of drawing the school, from a famous design "Of Carlo Marratti, who stood first in the line "Of eminent painters, in Europe that drew,"

Admir'd, by all lovers of taste, and Virtu: "In the grey-headed sage the great master you see, "His scholars he points to, in this you'll agree.

"Their several studies, on which he must speak, "Are Perspective, Geometry, and statues antique:"

Of each, you a specimen fair will behold.-- But matters, so obvious, you scarce need be told.

[d] Page 53. second volume.

[e] Page 17. second volume.

[f] Page 101. second volume.

"On the two former subjects, be pleas'd to observe, "That quantum sufficit, of either, will serve; "With regard to the latter, he clearly hath shewn, "That never enough on that head can be known:"

But now to my favourite, much admir'd theme, For which, I the Artist, immortal esteem To you, with instruction divine it is fraught, Not Apelles could more have excell'd in the thought.

"At top of the piece, in the clouds you will see, "With dignity seated, the Graces All Three; "And over them written this sentence quite plain,-- "Without us, depend on't, all labour is vain."

"Thus much for description, the print I shall send, "With all possible speed by the hands of a friend,"

"And beg, adoration you will to it pay, "Such as Catholics use to their saints when they pray: "An ear, to my precepts, I hope you will lend, "[g] Nor think, that those Graces, so oft' I commend, "Must only [4]_les jours de grand Gala_ be worn, "Since each word, and action, they're meant to adorn."

[g] Page 106. second volume.

"Your coffee to see you ungracefully sip,"

I know, beyond measure, would give me the hyp, "If, by holding it aukward, your cloaths you should slop,"

In a fit, off my chair, I shou'd suddenly drop; Nor less shou'd I feel, were I destin'd to view, "A b.u.t.ton'd up coat, or a wry buckled shoe: "Good G.o.d! how excessively shocking my doom, "If when I first see you come into my room; "[h] Two aukward left legs, and a taylor-like air, "My sight shou'd accost,"--by the Graces I swear, All ties of affinity I shou'd disclaim, And deem you, henceforth, a disgrace to my name.

[h] Page 218. second volume.

"Your dress to correct, and your carriage to mend, "Let _le Tailleur_, and what's more [5]_Marcel_ stand your friend; "_Marcel_, I'm persuaded, will soon teach you how, "To turn out your toes, and to make a good bow; "Nor do I despair, but he'll fashon outright, "Your arms too, and legs, which are both in sad plight: "Attend on his lessons, with diligent care, "Of him you'll acquire, _tous les Graces, les manieres_;"

More useful, than cla.s.sical knowledge, this art "To deceive, we must first gain access to the heart; "[i] The heart once engag'd," mind your mood, and your tense, "And I'll venture my life you impose on the sense; "This doctrine is orthodox, practis'd by me, "--Address, is with Statesmen, the true master-key.

"[j] I greatly am chagrin'd, to find that you still "Are absent, distrait, and present yourself ill,"

"That napkin, and bread, your knife, fork, and spoon, "Where ever you dine, are thrown constantly down;"

To the infinite terror, I'm sorry to say, Of the company's legs, that within their reach lay: "Your dress and your person, you likewise neglect,"

A proof that my counsel you mean to reject; From which I infer, that you ne'er will acquire, "That _tournure_, those Graces," I so much admire: "With the dead, I a thousand times better am pleas'd, "Than a man who with fits of distraction is seiz'd; "For tho' the defunct, no amus.e.m.e.nt can give, "From him I no mark of contempt shall receive; "So absent you seem, I am led to surmize, "You seldom make use of your ears or your eyes; "It therefore seems highly expedient to me, "A flapper shou'd rouze you from this reverie;"

"But mark, on the subject, a word _entres nous_-- "For this new domestic I pay not a sous: "That office, friend [6]Christian, must gratis discharge,"

Nor suffer you, solus, to wander at large, Least strangers, that seldom their censure restrain, Viva voce, shou'd deem you--a person insane: "The use of those flappers, in Swift you may read, "Of them the Laputans, your allies, stood in need; "Whose minds, like to yours, by intense speculations, "Were too much ingross'd to have useful sensations; "And but for those flappers, I think there's no doubt "Their brains 'gainst the posts, they had fairly beat out;"

The sum of my doctrine is [7]_point des grimaces Et point de distraction, mais souvenir les graces_.

"[k] If you, at my table, shou'd meet Mr. L.

"A fatal catastrophy I can foretell,"

"Your heads, 'gainst each other, you'll merciless. .h.i.t, "And you'll haggle your fingers, instead of the meat; "'Tis probable too," this deponent here saith, "You both, may in winter, be scalded to death, "By th'hasty infusion of soup boiling hot;"-- But more, on this head, this deponent says not.

[i] Page 227. second volume.

[j] Page 216. ditto.

[k] Page 262. second volume.

I oft' from my memory seek to erase An hour, unto you, big with shame and disgrace; But vain the attempt, it will uppermost be, Good heav'n forefend! I the like shou'd e'er see: For certain it is, as I now am alive, Another such shock I cou'd never survive: [8]The fact I allude to you'll easily guess, 'Twas when with some friends of esteem'd _politesse_, With me you once din'd, to my grief be it said, And no little hole in your manners then made: _Blanche mange_, which you doat on, was part of our fare, Abhorr'd! be the minute, when first it came there.-- Henceforth, for your sake, I _Blanche mange_ shall detest, 'Tho of colour the whitest, and flavour the best; For when, you close siege, to a pyramid laid, No respect was to persons, or decency paid: You not only ate, 'till you cou'd eat no more, But with it, disfigur'd your visage all o'er: Your portrait was that, if a likeness you'd have, Of a man ready lather'd, just going to shave: Transported with rage, I cou'd scarce keep my seat, And words, only found, to advise a retreat; And order your servant to wash your face clean, Since so dirty a spectacle never was seen: Where then were the Graces?--that hour sound they slept, Or else on mount Ida a jubilee kept.

To acquire the _bon ton_, and excel in address, Are points upon which I must ever lay stress; So useful they are, of importance so great, You'll find 'em, through life, so essential a bait; That without them as soon may you hope to succeed, As a man teach the Cla.s.sicks that never could read: My counsel is sterling, pray bear it in mind, A Statesman I was, and belov'd by mankind; In pleasure, or bus'ness, _les grace_, _les manieres_, Ensure one success, with the grave, or the fair.

"Your manners to polish, and time to amuse, "I hope you have chosen a good [9]_decrotteuse_; "[l] While aukward and gauche, which at present I fear"

You must not, the hem of my garment come near; "Great merit esteem will procure it is true, "But merit alone, be a.s.sur'd will not do.

"[m] Your riding and dancing I hope will conduce "To fash'on your limbs, and to teach them their use;"

I'd have you describ'd, by your air _degagee_, In order to which, _il vous faut degourdis_,[10]

Of women, you best, _les agrement_ will learn, But be sure, in your choice, that you rightly discern, 'Twixt the dissolute fair, that wou'd ruin your fame, And her, that real l.u.s.tre will add to your name: My joy were compleat, could I hear the world say, Ah! _comme il est galant ce pet.i.t Anglois_!

[l] Page 92. second volume.

[m] Page 18. ditto.

"[n] At Paris arriv'd, you must take 'special care, "To dress as the people of fash'on do there; "This does not in finery so much consist, "As the manner of wearing your cloaths, and the taste.

"Employ the best taylor the place will afford, "Since much will depend on your _premier abord_, [11]_Comme un homme du grand monde il vous faut habille_[B]

[12]_Toujours a la mode, et bien proprement mis_: "Pray find a good _frisieur_ to do your hair well, "Since that of your dress, is a part material: "[o] Apropos, of your legs,--garter well up your hose, "Lest careless they hang o'er the tops of your shoes; "For nought gives a man a more slovenly air, "Than aukward dress'd legs, and a rough head of hair "[p] Be powder'd, be feather'd, be lac'd I entreat,"

From the crown of your head, to the soles of your feet; They must not of fas.h.i.+on, an atom neglect, That hope, from the women, to challenge respect; "Whose suffrage to gain, I must beg you'll aspire, "Since only of them you can l.u.s.tre acquire."

[n] Page 73. third volume.

[o] Page 220. second volume.

[p] Page 332. second volume.

"[q] My diamond buckles I fully propose, "Your feet shall adorn, mine they now wou'd expose;"

"Of all things in nature I mostly abhor,"

A Beau, on the verge, of years fifty and four: Accept them, I beg, with injunction severe, "[r] To buckle them straight," since to me 'tis not clear, But one on the outside your foot may be plac'd, And one on the in, as a proof of your taste; If this, of a certainty, I cou'd but know, Without shoes, or buckles, for me you should go.

[q] Page 181. ditto.

[r] Page 66. third volume.

"[s] Of swords, canes, and snuff boxes, might I advise, "If elegant, one may of each well suffice:"

There are, who will lavish, on baubles like these, A sum wou'd procure independence and ease: Such Beings, alas! not a s.h.i.+lling would lend, To save from despair, a poor indigent friend: Oh! shut not your ear, 'gainst the cry of distress, May the sense of their woes, prove their means of redress: Tho' chance, in your favour, some difference has made, No distinction to rank, will hereafter be paid: Sufficient that thought, human pride to subdue, Pray let it not pa.s.s unregarded by you.

[s] Page 220. second volume.

"[t] [13]_Comment vont les Graces_, prithee how do they fare, "Of them have you studied [14]_le grand art de plaire_?

"If you, in the _beau monde_, success would ensure, "[u] In your manners attend to a certain _douceur_: "The French, this _douceur_, do most highly esteem, "'Tis in short [15]_l'aimable, le tout chose_ with them; Acquire it, dear Phil, or I fair warning give,-- I ne'er wish to see you as long as you live.

[t] Page 153. third volume.

[u] Page 108. third volume.

"[v] In your person be cleanly, I humbly intreat, "And attend to your teeth, that your breath may be sweet, "Your nails too keep par'd, I outrageous should be, "If them, tipt with black, I should happen to see.

"By you, may these hints, not improper be held, "[w] Since once, 'bove your fellows, in dirt you excell'd; "And oft', when a lad, have you suffer'd disgrace, "For neglecting to wash both your hands, and your face:"

'Tho trifling these matters, to you, may appear, With me, they weigh more than the gold of Ophir; Since a dunce well accomplish'd more merit can boast, Than a book-worm that smells of the deep college rust.

A father, I am, to your faults nothing blind, And claim a free licence for speaking my mind; "By this lecture on cleanliness, all I propose is, "[x] That you may not offend peoples eyes, or their noses."

[v] Page 74. third volume.

[w] Page 74. ditto.

[x] Page 182. second volume.

"[y] A bill I receiv'd, but the truth to confess, "It puzzl'd me much at the drawer to guess; "No advice you had given of such an intent, "From which I suspected, a fraud might be meant; "Since always in matters of business, like these, "'Tis usual the party in time to apprize: "And what more confirmed these suspicions, my friend, "It did not appear to have ever been sign'd: "The person that brought it, desir'd me to look, "Again at the bottom, where what I mistook "For somebody's mark, by the help of a gla.s.s, "Your name really prov'd,--to my sorrow, alas!